Parenting: Should Stepmom Insist that Her Husband Assume More Responsibility?
Dear Lisa:
I listened to your Stepfamily Talk Radio show, “The Stepparent’s Role,” and I understand that you feel that the stepparent should only be there to oversee the children. I am a stepmother of an 8-year-old and 4-year-old, who beginning last month starting living in our house, instead of their biological mother’s household. I have known the kids since they were 2 and 5, so we have a good history. My husband and I were married about a year ago. I am very lucky because the kids have accepted me as a second mom from the beginning. They even call me Momma sometimes. My husband and I never force that, though. I have told them they can call me whatever they are comfortable with. I am in the situation where my husband steps back from the day to day raising of the children and mostly relies on me to act as a full-time mom to the children. The kids don’t seem to have a problem with this, either. I also have a 4-year-old son.
Here’s my question: How do I take a step back and become the overseer of my stepkids rather than a second mom, and get my husband to actually fulfill his role. If I don’t get the kids in the bath by 8 p.m. then he won’t do it until late; if I don’t say it is bedtime, then he will let the kids stay up watching TV until 10 p.m.; my husband doesn’t help our 8-year-old with her homework very much, and when he does, he is very harsh with her. Basically, my husband expects me to step up and take the mom role for all the day-to-day tasks for the kids. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind doing this as long as he works with me for the best of the kids, but it sounds from your interview with Margorie Engel that you don’t recommend this. I don’t want my stepkids to resent me as they get older for being in this role.
Thanks.
M.S.
Dear M.S.:
First of all, I want to say that if your stepfamily works, don’t change it! There are lots of ways to be a stepparent; you need to pick the role that works best for you. The Stepfamily Talk Radio audio you heard focuses mostly on why immediately acting like a “parent” to stepkids can spur resentment in stepchildren. In your case, it sounds like your stepkids don’t resent you.
However, it’s unclear to me whether you resent having this role imposed on you by your husband.
You might want to read James Bray’s book, “Stepfamilies.” He and co-author John Kelly supply the results of a 10-year study of stepfamilies, and categorize stepfamilies into three general types: neotraditional, matriarchal and romantic. The authors present the pros and cons of each style of raising a stepfamily, and describe a number of advantages to your type of stepfamily, which sounds like it’s “matriarchal.”
Again, however, it sounds like you and your husband did not work together to carve out a role for you as stepmom (and a role for him as stepdad to your child).
Dr. Margorie Engel, president of the Stepfamily Association of America (the subject of the Stepfamily Talk Radio interview you heard), says that stepmoms need to look at their expectations, learn about common stepfamily problems, and define their roles.
If the dad hands over all the parenting responsibility to his new wife, his children may worry that they’re going to lose their connection with their father, she adds.
You may also want to think hard about whether you resent caring for your stepkids on a day-to-day basis. Often, stepmoms take on too much, and then resent it later, says Jeanette Lofas, president of the Stepfamily Foundation, Inc., based in New York City. This can cause a lot of tension in stepfamilies.
If you decide that you feel resentful about being asked to serve as “Mom” to your stepkids, it’s time to have a chat with your husband. Or you could visit a counselor together.
Good luck.
Please let me know how everything goes!
Best,
Lisa
