Cohabitation: Breaking Up Can Be Just as Emotional for the Non-Married
Living together instead of marrying will not make breaking up any easier emotionally. In fact, many of the same emotions arise during the end of a cohabitating couples’ relationship as those that arise at the end of a marriage, said Roger Lake, a marriage and family therapist in San Francisco, Calif., who has been in practice more than 20 years. “Emotionally, if you look at what people go through in a breakup that seemed securely attached, they go through same emotional dilemma,” Lake said.
The people outside the couple, family and friends, may be more blase, or casual about the breakup because the couple did not commit to marriage, Lake said. “But the couple will still be reeling from the emotional upheaval of moving out. Essentially, at the level of individual feelings, I think it is pretty similar,” Lake said.
Lake said that when the emotions of a breakup run high, therapy is the answer. Talking to a professional about the hurt and frustration can help keep one’s emotions in check, Lake said. “And if not therapy, then talk to a trusted friend or family member, he said. You need to step back and look at this and get some perspective,” Lake said.
Being leery of the breakup of a marriage may play a role in choosing to live together instead, Lake said. “Some of the people he sees in his practice were emotionally wrenched by their parents’ divorces, and they are unwilling to join into holy matrimony themselves. Some people, for emotional issues, don’t think of marriage as a particularly happy state of being,” Lake said.
Some people choose to live together for philosophical issues, and some for political perspectives, he said. Some live together because they legally cannot marry, he said. And there are more still cohabitating because they want a close, intimate relationship, but the finality of committing to marriage is more than they can manage, he said.
COHABITION OUT OF CONVENIENCE
Couples are not be choosing cohabitation over marriage because they are trying to test the waters, according to Sharon Sassler, assistant professor in the College of Human Ecology at Cornell University. Since 2000, Sassler has been studying the reasons couples choose to cohabitate, and she has found consistently that couples choose more practical reasons to live together. “They are not living together mainly as a precursor to marriage”, she said.
“My research finds that marriage may be a latent reason for moving in together, but is generally not the main reason given for cohabiting. By that I mean that respondents sometimes talk about moving in to see if the relationship might lead to marriage, though they generally mention other reasons first, convenience, finances, the need for a place to live, for example,” Sassler said.
“That may be”, she said, “because people tend to move in together earlier in their relationships than they would feel comfortable talking about marriage said she specifically asks her participants why they decide to move in together, and they rarely say it is to see what marriage will be like.”
“Many people move in together relatively quickly in their relationship — five months, or eight months. That seems to be too soon to marry, though not too soon to live with someone,” Sassler said. “One person may not yet feel ready for marriage, even if the other partner is.”
BREAKING UP IS HEARTBREAKING
Marshall Miller, cofounder of the Alternatives to Marriage Project (http://www.unmarried.org), said that such a large segment f the population is cohabitating without getting married, that there needed to be an organization that provides advocacy for unmarried people. The Alternatives to Marriage Project provides information and support to those who are single and in unmarried relationships about the legal and philosophical issues that face them.
He said that he is seeing that many couples who have been previously married and divorced choose to cohabitate rather than remarry. “It’s a feeling of been there, done that,” Miller said, and instead, couples are finding their way into happy relationships outside the bonds or marriage.
“These couples really wanted to be in a loving relationship, but they didn’t want to involve themselves with the legalities of marriage, he said. This is particularly true for people who felt like they had gotten raked over the coals by the legal system,” Miller said.
“But choosing cohabitation may not alleviate the kind of emotional tumult in a marital breakup, he said. The emotional breakup can be just as painful as a legal divorce, he said.He contends that it may even feel worse in some instances because there is less support from family and friends. It is easy to recognize the emotional trauma of a divorce”, he said, “but many don’t acknowledge the same kinds of feelings in a cohabitators’ breakup. You have all of the emotional pain with less of the support from family and friends, which can make the whole thing worse,” Miller said.
The emotions that one feels in both a divorce and in the breakup of a cohabitating relationship are sadness at the end of the relationship and the loss of a future together, and anger at the partner for whatever precipitated the breakup.
He said he cautions those considering cohabitating to take their time in making the decision. “Couples rush into living together, and treat the emotions involved more casually than they would if they were marrying”, Miller said. “Being more careful about the decision to move in together can save some of the emotional heartache if the relationship ends”, Miller said. “It is so much easier to move your CD collection in,” Miller said, “than it is to pack up your collection and move your heart out.”
About the author: Michele Bush Kimball has a Ph.D. in mass communication with a specialization in media law. She has spent almost 15 years in the field of journalism, and she teaches at American University in Washington, D.C. She recently won a national research award for her work. She can be reached at m.kimball@Wevorce.com
