Parents often ask why their child doesn’t want to spend time with their former spouse. It’s a common enough concern that it has been the subject of professional research. Kathryn Kuehnle, PhD and Leslie Drozd, PhD made it the topic of their article, Allegations and Rejection of a Parent in High Conflict Custody Cases: Is it Child Abuse, Alienation, and/or Estrangement? Their article and perspective notes state that there may be three reasons why children wish to spend time with one or the other parent: 1. It may be a normal developmental stage; 2. It may be the result of actual abuse or neglect by a parent; or 3. One of the parents, inadvertently or purposefully, is neglecting to encourage the child to have a relationship with the other parent.
Let’s touch on these possibilities one by one.
1. A Normal Developmental Stage
Many of us recall an instance in which a child goes through a stage of wanting a particular parent. Often a baby will be reluctant to be away from mom or dad during periods before age one. A toddler may go through times when only one parent can soothe them, and they may cling to that parent in public and not wish to move very far away. As children age, there are times when a girl or boy may feel especially bonded to the parent of the same sex as they adapt their own behaviors to growing up as a member of that sex. Then there are times when the same children might express favoritism towards the parent of the opposite sex as they again learn how to engage in relationships that will carry over into adulthood. This is considered normal as long as parents recognize it for what it is and do not internalize feelings of rejection and disappointment. These periods are generally intermittent through the child’s life and can be acknowledged for what they are and accepted.
2. Abuse or Parental Neglect
In this instance, there may be real concerns that need to be addressed. The issues of abuse and neglect are serious and require expert help to determine what is really going on and how best it should be addressed. Parents who have genuine concerns need to be sure they are working with professionals to correctly verify concerns and develop clear boundaries and guidelines. The tricky piece of this discussion comes when parents in custody battles use allegations of abuse and neglect to try to sway a decision about custody, without honestly basing their argument on anything more than a difference of opinion on child-rearing practices. One of the reasons that courts get filled up with divorce and custody cases is that the judges must ferret out truth from fiction in these kinds of cases, and parents who have high-conflict personality types tend to be unable to look objectively at what is going on. This then leads to suspicion when allegations are made and an over-excited response occurs. The bottom line with this kind of situation is that parents must get professional assistance to clearly define what is happening. These kinds of allegations cannot and should not be taken lightly. However, parents must not use these kinds of allegations simply for their own self-interest.
3. Poor Parenting Skills
A third reason for children to say they do not wish to spend time with the other parent is described as poor parenting, because in this instance, one parent fails to encourage the child to spend time with their other parent. A child may have internalized one parent’s negativity towards the other, or be fearful of liking one parent due to a belief that the other parent will no longer love them. When parents separate and/or divorce, children hear that they no longer love each other, and they often believe that the parent who says such a thing about another parent might also say that about them. If a child feels happy with one parent and comes home to a parent who gets upset seeing that happiness, the child may be afraid to go and have a happy time again for fear of losing the love of the upset parent.
It is a commonly recognized by experts that children will try to get closer and be more agreeable with a parent whose love is uncertain. This often feels uncomfortable to the stable parent who has a secure relationship with the child and may not realize that the child is working to confirm closeness with the other parent to assure their safety with that parent. This often looks like turning his or her back toward the parent with whom the child feels secure and assured of love. This is also an underlying root of difficult behavior in children when parents remain in conflict over time.
For this reason, some courts are looking closely at whether or not parents actually take a proactive role and encourage their children to have a relationship with the other parent. If it is serious enough, there are times when judges have changed custody to the parent who allows for a more open relationship with the other parent, in spite of many other considerations. Today’s psychological information about parenting is strongly in favor of both parents remaining involved in the lives of their children. Gone are the days when mothers were assumed to be the best primary caretakers. Science has confirmed that both parents are necessary to a child’s healthy development.
Each parent needs to look for the good qualities in the other parent in order to help the child to find them. While the marriage may have been fraught with conflict and disagreement, the fact that two parents are still parents requires that they both continue to learn how to appreciate and communicate with the other parent. Healthy children benefit most from healthy role models, and healthy role models do not separate their children from life, but rather help their children to deal with life on life’s terms. This includes teaching and encouraging children to spend time with both parents.
