As a mediator, I think a lot about listening. Every day I try to listen better than the day before. Listening really listening to another is an opportunity to give to oneself while giving to another.
It’s not easy. My mind is often host to something else, other things, in addition to what is being told to me. Being with the person who is speaking to the full extent of my being, my experience, was never really necessary until I practiced mediation. It would have been lovely, I’m sure, but was not necessary. For example, in an academic situation it’s possible to learn without giving the subject matter one’s full attention. A lot of life can be lived like that.
The problem is, when you hear that way it’s not listening. You get the plot without the nuance. You bring nothing of yourself, your experience, your empathy to the person speaking. In terms of human understanding, your place can be taken by a crash test dummy. All the wonder, heart and mystery of relating meaningfully to another human being is missing. That is because you are not present.
Being present for another is being present for yourself. If you are thinking and overtly responding in terms of your own experience (“I know how you feel. I felt that way after my auto accident.”), you substitute your experience for the other person’s. In contrast, if you are listening without judgment, receiving the speaker’s truth as it’s spoken, you are present. For example, a young woman who was fired from a firm of consulting engineers said she wanted money to compensate for loss of professional reputation. However, as she spoke and I listened it became clear to us both that the real injury was to her confidence and self-esteem. All the money in the world would be, at best, symbolic. What she really wanted was an apology and a good employment reference.
Listening that way sounds easy, but I don’t find it so. I find it a constant, mindful, exhilarating task that is the greatest gift one human can give another. The reward of giving that gift is, in turn, among the great gifts one can give oneself.
