Your Kids, Their Choices
Decision making — it’s something many adults struggle with when making big changes in their relationships, but also when it comes to everyday living decisions.
Even after a decision is made, they may change their mind, second guess their decision, or worse, agonize about how their decision is seen by others. (We have seen this time and time again at Wevorce, with spouses who vacillate between staying in an unhappy marriage and making the tough choice to file for divorce.) Sadly, many people have this daily battle with each and every decision they must make, whether large or small, with indecisiveness leaving them unhappy and stressed at every turn.
Then there are the folks who like to do research before each decision, look at every variety and every angle, vet every person involved, and weigh in on every opinion (critical or not) before they can make a decision. It doesn’t matter how long it takes (which can be a problem in itself) as long as they make the best, most intelligent, longest-lasting choice. For quick decision makers, just thinking about this process can be exhausting!
Teaching children good decision-making skills is imperative ;and this education starts when they’re young. It’s a parent’s hope their skills will fall somewhere between the one who agonizes over each decision as it is made and long after (why worry over what you’ve already done?) and the one who obsesses on making the best choice every time (sometimes good enough is just that, good enough). It’s even okay to make the wrong decision on occasion ;and learn from those mistakes.
How do we teach our kids to be good decision makers?
As parents, we want to keep our children safe. There are a lot of things that can harm our kids, so many external influences that may lead them astray. Life isn’t always pretty and clean, and at times it can be downright tough. Instinct may drive parents to want to protect children, stashing them away someplace where all the ugliness in the world can’t touch them.
The truth is, at some point, our children must venture out on their own — and they need to be prepared. Part of this preparation ; means teaching them how to make good decisions. Will they always make the right choices? Probably not. They may get hurt or into trouble. But, as a parent, you will be there to help them back onto their feet if at all possible.
The best time to start the process is when they are young, with age- and developmentally-appropriate decision-making in small doses. They need to learn about consequences and responsibility for their decisions, as well as right and wrong. Begin with choices that really have no right or wrong answer — like picking one color over another, or if they want to eat an apple or orange, or which is best, vanilla or strawberry ice cream.
Be sure to choose these educational opportunities carefully. Sometimes busy, noisy places can be distracting — even upsetting — for children when they are asked to make a thoughtful decision amidst chaos. Also, be aware of how you verbally and physically approach your child. Get down to their level but keep the eye contact to a minimum. Young children have a hard time simultaneously talking eye-to-eye and thinking about the choice to be made.
In an article for A Fine Parent, “Are You Teaching Kids How to Make Good Decisions? Here’s How to Be Sure,” Carson Walker has come up with four suggestions to help make your children good decision makers.
- Make a clear connection between choice and consequences.
- Validate decision-making tools: feelings and thoughts.
- Help them understand the decision-making process.
- Give them experience with decisions, especially the consequences of the decision, even if it includes failure.
Walker goes on to discuss safe-zones.
“Find age-appropriate ‘safe’ areas for your children to make decision and experience consequences, including potential failure.
Pre-school and early grade school. A great one here is clothing choices. Limit their choices to weather-appropriate clothing, but if they mix and match from there, let them have at it.
Later grade school. Clothing here works too, you can actually take it up a level. After multiple lectures, I decided to let my 6th grader go to school in flip-flops with three feet of snow on the ground. I figured she was big enough to make other choices if her feet got cold. She still has all her toes, and wasn’t sent home from school, so it would appear the consequences weren’t too dire.
Resist the urge to do their homework projects for them (especially science fair and art projects!). A better strategy is to let them take in what they did, complete or not.
Middle school/High school. Decisions are getting larger by this point, and can be on par with adults in many cases. Selecting their own class schedules, picking the college, managing their time. See the note above about projects!! Older children are now choosing their own wardrobe and friends. You still have veto power, but use it sparingly. A mini skirt for school? Back to the decision-making process; remember Step 1, and talk about the alternatives and consequences. Let HER [or him] list them. The idea is to get [your child] to think of consequences, not just obey (or rebel against) your ‘rule’.”
Six tips for helping kids learn to make decisions.
According to Shannon Price, family therapist at Seattle Full Circle Counseling, there are additional, practical ways you can help your kids make decisions.
- Modeling is everything. When you’re buying a car, think out loud. Let your kids hear how you process and what goes into making a decision.
- Once in a while, sit down and work through a decision with your child. Let’s say she’s having a party. How does she decide whom to invite? Where to have it?
- Go through situations and teach your children what to consider, what’s important and what kinds of factors come into play when making a decision.
- Sometimes, you can’t give them choices. For example, let’s say you’re at the park and it’s time to go home. They still have a decision to make: They can be happy or sad.
- The more decisions you can let your child make, the better. But remember, there is a place for “no.”
- Healthy decision making requires parents to know they are the ones in power. They provide the structure, and their kids will learn better skills in the long run.
Holding your kids accountable when they make poor choices.
In an article for Psychology Today, “Parenting: Decision Making — Help Your Children Become Good Decision Makers,” Jim Taylor, Ph.D., writes, “Whenever I speak to a group of young people, I ask how many of them have ever done anything stupid in their lives. With complete unanimity and considerable enthusiasm, they all raise their hands. When I then ask how many of them will ever do anything stupid in the future, the response is equally fervent. I also ask children why they do stupid things. Their responses include:
- I didn't stop to think.
- It seemed like fun at the time.
- I was bored.
- Peer pressure.
- I didn't consider the consequences.
- To get back at my parents.
“The fact is it's part of your children's ‘job’ to do stupid things. Bad decision-making is an essential part of their road to maturity. A problem arises, however, if their poor decision-making continues. This usually occurs when parents don't hold them responsible for their poor decisions, instead, bailing them out of the trouble their children get into. These children learn that they aren't responsible for their decisions and can continue to do stupid things without fear of consequences.”
Learning by trial and error.
We don’t always make good decisions, and neither will your children. But life isn’t about doing everything the right way. Probably the best lessons, and the ones we remember most, are those in which we’ve messed up. Making (and fixing) a mistake can be a great learning tool.
It will be the same for your kids. It’s understandable that as parents you want to keep them safe, shield them from things that can be harmful. There’s also a built-in desire to make their life as easy as possible. Unfortunately, if they don’t learn how to make good (wise) decisions and understand the idea of consequences, they’re likely to struggle with even the simplest of everyday life choices. And worse, they could fall prey to the very things you wish to protect them from.
Teaching our kids how to be good decision-makers may be one of the best things we can do to prepare them for the future with confidence and wisdom. Even if by giving over control to do so may be one of the hardest (scariest) things a parent can do.
