Wife wants separation and I don't. We had a wonderful marriage and I'm so destroyed

My wife and I have been married for almost 6 years. We had an amazing marriage that all of our friends looked up to. I know we were both head over heals in love and best friends most of all. Over the past 5 weeks she has lost about 25 pounds and claims it’s from eating better and doing a 30 minute workout on her balance ball each morning. She is looking very skinny, and not really in a good way. She’s lost her boobs and her butt, and she’s always been very volumptious and had plenty of both (perfect, actually).

About 5 weeks ago, I noticed her pushing me away, if you will. She was sparking up arguements all of the time and small little sparks would turn into huge fires, if you know what I mean. After about a week of this, I told her I felt she was acting completely out of character and I asked if she was seeing someone else. She told me on 3 different occassions that she was not. Finally, after asking a 4th time, she starting crying and told me that she was. She claimed it was a text messaging relationship with a man she dated for about a year, prior to us meeting. She claimed it was mostly emotional (which I know is bad), and that there had been some heavy petting but no sex. I, of course, cried and cried and told her I wanted her to stay and help to heal our marriage. We did have a talk about some things she said had been bothering her over the past year or so that she knows she never clearly told me about (lack of affection and clear communication). I told her I never knew that she was feeling this way or that I was showing less affection or not communicating as well as I should.

I panicked and drove over to my mom’s house for a good cry. After about 45 minutes, I came home because I felt we should talk more about the affair. She was not there. I knew the guys name so I Google it and found about 5 addresses, all fairly close to the home. I hopped in the car and typed them into the navigation system. The first 4 turned up nothing, but the 5th is where I found our truck parked! I knocked on the door a couple of times and she eventually came out. I cried to her and asked her to come home, that she was my wife, I loved her, and this wall all wrong. She did. We worked on it for a few days, but I knew she was continuing to text him.

A couple of days later, she took some things and left the home. During the past few weeks, I’ve seen her only so that she can get a few things from the house and see that cats. She has turned her back on everything she loves. I now hold separation papers that are based on irreconcilable differences. They state I get pretty much everything, including the house and any equity, one of the cars, and almost all of the furniture and belongings. She is taking almost all of the credit card debt (I am splitting 2 cards with her, the rest I had no part in), a desk, and some bedroom furniture. That’s it.

I love my wife with all of my heart and I have no interest in getting separated or divorced. All the way up to the time we started arguing a few weeks back, all she ever talked about was me. Our friends and family are devastated because the thought we had a model marriage and nobody had any idea that something was wrong. Part of me believes there might be drugs involved due to the weight loss, mood swings, and lack of caring and emotion. I know I’m going to have to sign these papers and move on but this is so hard. I do I deal with this?

She has all the control at this point. Avoid her at all costs. She knows how you feel so you dont need to say anything.This will be the toughest days, weeks, months, years of you life, but you have to let it play out. Seek your inner feelings on how you feel about what she has done, not what your going to do. Do not compromise your self. How can she be the person you married if she has done this to you. The answer she is not.

I would say stop begging. She knows how you feel, you have done all that you can to show her that you are willing to work on things and you want her back.File the separation papers. You don’t have to go thru with the divorce if things would change. It sounds as though she has some issues to work thru and has been putting on a good show of everything being ok. You cannot fix this on your own. You can tell her you love her but if this is what she really wants then you aren’t going to fight it. Give her time to think and see if she changes her mind. If not then file. As I said you can give her full opportunity to stop the process. You can give it as much time as you like. But since she has moved out then at least get it documented with the courts so that she can see you are serious. If you end up getting divorced you will be ok. Almost all of us in here have been thru it. The healing begins when you sign the paperwork. Sometimes the shock though will be enough to shake her into reality.Let us know how things go!

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Sounds like her mind is made-up. She has not shown an remorse for what she’s done and it doesn’t sound like she cares either. It doesn’t sound like she wants this marriage to work. Don’t waste your time. Try to focus on yourself. As BBear said to me Success is the best revenge.

It is a very heart wrenching time. I’ve been there and the problem lies with her checking out of your marriage on all levels. This has probably been a work in progress because I’m sure she wrangled with it for a while. You need a willing partner to rebuild a relationship. If she is vacillating, that’s one thing. If she’s moving in with him, that’s another. I would use this time to prepare for the worst and try to take care of yourself. Preparing includes getting legal counsel. It’s also taking care of yourself mentally and physically. That’s what you have control of in life…you. Join a gym, walk, watch what you eat and perhaps therapy would be beneficial. There’s a myriad of emotions coming. All I can tell you is that the bad stuff doesn’t last either, if you don’t want it to. Keep blogging as it allows you to vent and is a good sounding board while you go through the immediate future. I wish you peace!

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