Wife Blinded me How can a person just Leave

My wife of 4 years and 9 years together total walked out on me. There was no fighting there was no issues and even she agrees. She adopted my daughter from a previous marriage 6 moths ago and will only tell me she has changed and still loves me so much but is not in love with me. She admits never telling me her feelings changed towards me. We have been through alot with her bi-polar, manic, borderline personality disorder. I never once judged her for it held it against her and only treated her like my queen which she acknowledges and agrees with. I have been left a wreck and 6weeks have gone by and I still have nightmares I still cry uncontrolably everyday and through out the day with and with out cause. My life feels like a giant failure and a comedy. I dont eat and have lost 30+ pounds (that is not a bad thing) but dealing with her sudden coldness and offness is killing me. We work in the same building and I live in the same place. Why and how can a person make such promises and not even try to see if things can be changed. I have trouble seeing what was real and who I am looking at today. But this emotional turmoil has me loosing my damn mind and I cant stop it. Any advice is more than welcome.

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Check out marriagebuilders.com Dr. Harley has some great ideas for exactly the situation you are in. There may be some way to salvage things still. But it might take lots of work on your part that you may not emotionally feel like doing.

As far as your wife not being “in love.” That really is a maturity thing in my opinion. Those of us who have been in two marriages sort of get it. Love is a verb. It is something you do every day. It’s not something that magically is bestowed upon you. If you have needs that are not getting met by your partner than the onus is on you to communicate that. I have a sister who spent 25 years chasing that “in love” feeling. Usually at the 2 or 3 year mark the gig would be up and she would need to move on to a new guy. Now that she’s older I think she’s finally figured it out.

All the best!

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I hear you brother, same happened to me nearly as you describe everything. It took 6 months (possibly would have been longer had she not filed a contested divorce which contained nothing but spiteful allegations and all manner of attacks of character) before I could even snap out of the “I love my wife” phase and realized that like it or not, I wasn’t going to be permitted closure that didn’t involve a legal system. We physically saw each other (outside of court) 2 times since she even told me she wanted the divorce and locked me out.

It’s been a year. My business is bankrupt, my attorney quit, and my own support system is entirely wore of even so much as hearing about it. I find myself frustrated in the most mundane of things, and quick to anger in everything else that just seems to be difficult to accomplish. I did seek counseling very quickly; perhaps things would be much worse without.

Ultimately I know all things happen for a reason. It remains a lesson I do not wish to partake in, but one that’s end is still not yet quite near. Most people have told you to move on within the first month. You have to hang on for you and you only. None of it makes sense, but know you have already survived the worst. Find anything that is remotely productive you can occupy your time with and hang on to it like its your best friend. It’s great to vent, but you have to be ever vigilant in reducing the amount of time spent permitting yourself to think about this, because there are no answers and nothing good to come of.

Best wishes.

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I won’t belittle the point but just know you’re not alone… I was left in a horrible situation as well… Wrecked my finances, lost my home and damaged my relationship with my child. You will survive. It takes time. I still have a lot of hurt, anger but spend time in self reflection. If you’re not in counseling, get in it!

Hang in there!

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I feel like I wrote that post myself. 6 years down the drain without warning. She left me, moved out and is filing for divorce just 4 months into our marriage. We got married on New Years for insurance/tax purposes, which wasn’t a big deal because our actual big wedding was supposed by June 1st (5 days from writing this). Needless to say I am in absolute shock and disbelief. I have never felt so abandoned, disregarding and utterly worthless in my entire life. I have a great support system but at the end of the day everyone goes home to their wives, girlfriends and family while I sit here in our now empty apartment. I feel like I am destined to live a life of loneliness and despair. My mother died suddenly when I was in college 10 years ago, my best friend died last year and now my soulmate has a bond ones me to focus on her career and herself.

Shattered. Absolutely shattered. Worst part is I had a dream last night where I was able to get her back only to awaken to the cold empty space next to me. Living a nightmare. I feel like she stole my soul and I’ll never truly be able to love like this again.