I think a lot of people here, who have been cheated on by their spouse, want to know why. I think it’s perfectly normal to want to know why. It’s something that is just there and lingers. Just be carefull of what you ask for, you just might get it. I did. Well, it’s there with me and was lingering very bad. I know that knowing isn’t always wise or healthy for me. It can be something that I would regret. Never the less, I had to know and I had to push this issue with my wife. Something that I just can’t explain was pushing me to find out.
I found out and it was exactly as I suspected why. Last night I confronted my wife about her cheating on me. An issue my wife has never wants to talk about. I was persistent and informed her that I am very aware of her cheating on me. How many people she slept with, how long of a time period she was cheating, even who they were and I have already talked to one of them directly about their sleeping with my wife. I just didn’t know why behind the cheating and I want to know. Surprised me, my wife actually talked to me about why. I did make it clear that this would not lead to me changing my mind about wanting a divorce so there should be no expectations to that. She told me anyways. I think it was something personal she needed to get out. It was a very emotional conversation to say the least. I felt so bad and guilty. As I thought what the reasons were, my wife confirmed them.
I will not share the reasons why openly in this blog, but I was the motivating reason behind her cheating and abusive behavior. I am not excusing or justifying my wife cheating (or being abusive), but I have to be honest and except my role in it. I created the path for her and motivation to do what she did. She made the actual choice, but I created the choice option itself. They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Despite my good intentions, I still went into the wrong direction with my marriage and treatment of my wife. I didn’t have to cheat on her or abuse her to motivate her behavior. I just had to neglect her and abandon our marriage. Something I did long before she ever cheated and started her abuse. I failed to show her and give her the love I actually did feel for her and I left her alone in a marriage I was not really there for. I was too busy trying to do the right things with good intentions to take time out to be with my wife and marriage and to take what I really felt about my wife and actually show it. I neglected my wife and abandon my marriage and all the good intentions do not excuse what I have done and won’t repair the damage. I screwed up and failed as a husband. Sad and so regretful, but very true. I had this woman I loved with absolute truth and commitment. The woman of my dreams and this life I wanted so bad. I had it all in my hands for my dreams came true, but I focused on other things that seem to need my attention more. I had my dream and the one woman to share it with and I fucked it up royally. I am such a dumb ass and failure as a husband. How could I be so stupid.
This woman I love with such truth and the dream I wanted and boom, I fucked it all up. Made it go away. As a husband, I suck. As a person, I’m stupid. As me, I got what I deserved. Unfortunately, my marriage failed because both my wife and me made choices against the marriage and our love for each other. Unfortunately, my marriage can not be saved and is a loss. I don’t know how to explain what I feel all the time, but I don’t feel love for my wife anymore. Not actual hate, just that I feel empty when it comes to love for her. I think of her and I can’t help but think of the fact she had sex with other people year after year. It seems so dirty and disgusting that I don’t want to touch her again. It’s gross. I also don’t feel safe with this woman.
After everything that has happen, I have lost all trust in her and feel unsafe with her. I can’t be with a woman I don’t desire to touch, can’t trust, can’t feel safe with. There is no love there. I don’t expect my wife to feel any better towards me. If anything, I expect her to hate my guts and damn me for what I have done. I also am not judging her for cheating or abusing me anymore. Not justifying what she has done, but with the understanding I have now about why, I have no right to hate or judge her. I am guilty of my own wrong doing. I know why now and it’s not knowledge that chains me or imprisons me. It hurts and will hurt for a wile before I can make peace with it. It’s knowledge that I can learn from so if I ever should get another chance at falling in love with a woman I want a life time with, I won’t make the same mistakes of neglect again. I will learn to talk to the woman I love and express (verbally and quality time wise) how I really feel about her. The knowledge of why is a constructive thing, not a bad thing.
I am so sorry for what I have done and how things turned out. I wish I could turn back time to before all this happen and take this woman I once loved so much back into my life and be her real husband as she deserved to begin with. I can’t. That option isn’t there. So with all my regret, the best I can do is to tell my wife how sorry I am and I hope she can overcome what I have done.
Like I said, our conversation was very emotional, on both ends. She knows I still intend divorce and why, but also without the desire to hurt or attack her. Divorce in peace if possible. My wife still wants to save the marriage, but still refuse marriage counseling. I won’t do it without marriage counseling. I’m sorry, but I won’t. I fucked up and failed as a husband and I am so sorry. Sometimes I can be this incredibly really big idiot. As a husband, I had that time and made the most of it. What an idiot I was (maybe still am.)