The responses to my post about my stbx who keeps asking me for sex were welcomed. I don't know why he thinks that we should still have sex. I know he just wants a connection but he's asked about 4 times in 2 months and each time I tell him no.
My stbx became an alcoholic about 2-3 years ago. It destroyed my love and respect for him. I tried everything to get him to stop. Being nice, bitchy, ignoring it. Nothing worked. He told me repeatedly he could stop when he wanted, and he wasn't letting me tell him what to do. He wasn't abusive to me when drinking, more to our kids when I wasn't home. They would tell me how dad was always yelling at them. My son even said once that he felt his dad didn't like him. Then he cheated on me. That about killed me. He went out one nite with friends.
The next day I found a text message on his phone. Which ironically, I had never checked up to that point but he had been acting strange the nite before so I followed my instincts. He denied it at first. But when I found the woman's name, address, her husband's name and threatened to confront her, he fessed up that she had given him a BJ. He's told me a couple of times that he wasn't drunk either when it happened. He apologized, said it only happened once, would do anything to keep me. Except he didn't quit drinking.
After six more months of him drinking and hiding it, I told him I wanted a divorce. Then he quit drinking, but I feel it's too late. I've already filed and my divorce is almost over. He keeps telling me how much he loves me and he'll do ANYTHING to keep me and our family together. But as many of you know, you never really get over the lying and cheating. It's not the first time either. We've been together 19 years, married 9. He cheated on me about 12 years ago. I just can't get over all of it. The pain or uneasiness will always be there. I will never fully love or trust him and I don't want to or feel like I should have to live my life like that. Now he's sick.
The mandatory waiting period is over and all we have to do is settle on the house, child support, etc. He needs my insurance, now especially. I make more than double what he does. But I still don't want to be married to him. Does this make me the monster? I'm so sick of feeling like I'm the devil because he destroyed my love and trust, but because he's sorry I should just forgive him? I feel like I've been under his thumb for years and now am so close to being free. Why do I feel so guilty? He's not a bad person. I just don't want to be with him. I don't want him to touch me. I don't want to play house with him. He won't freakin move out until the divorce is final. And everyday, I feel pissed, sad, and guilty.