I have this problem and its painful. I was married for 35 years. the entire time, I ignored his lies--about little things, big things...from "I don't take blood pressure meds" to "I don't smoke" to "I didnt mow the lawn"..."I put something on layaway" whatever...a thousand lies. And, he spent money like a bad bleed with nothing to show for it but, I could track his day by checking our bank account...and he was spending about 200 a week at convenience stores. We discussed those two things so many times during our marriage...and it started out that he'd fix those two problems for months at a time...and then it became weeks, then days, then just words.
in April 2018 I told him I was done trying to make it work and he had to fix those 2 things or, in May 19 when our last exchange kid left, He was leaving to. first words out of his mouth were "My work doesnt offer help like that" I checked the next day...his work does indeed offer employee assistance for that. but I figured it was a learning curve since he'd been doing it for so long...by January, I knew it wasn't ever going to stop. I didn't want to ruin our exchange kids year, so I told my ex that I'd wait till may 19 and then we would go to counseling...his words were "My work doesn't offer counseling anymore." so I made appointments thru my employee assistance program for June 19.
I'd informed the councilor assigned about our problems and how I'd be willing to work it out if I could learn to deal with or he would fix those two things...35 years is a long time to work and then quit. In counseling...the first appointment, the councilor asked him the same question 4 different ways and each time he answered it was a different answer. I knew if he lied during counseling, he wouldn't ever try to change that. He also told me I was selfish because I was thinking only of myself...well there was a lot during that one session and i knew divorce was the only solution unless I wanted to live the rest of my life like that. Now, I did have a friendship with a guy at work (we've worked together for 10 years at the time)...we were friends and he did tell me he loved me (the January before but I told him we were both married and there was no place for that to go but I didn't share that with my ex--until in counseling)...during counseling, I also said my fears that my kids would be angry because I divorced their dad and that I could lose the house. I filed for divorce a week later and he went to all 4 of our adult children and told them I filed for divorce because I was having an affair and in counseling, I accused him of being a compulsive liar...oh there was so much-basically he used everything in counseling that I said I was afraid of...which made me regret going to counseling with him. he pulled everyone into it including my bosses. I decided before I filed, to keep it only to myself-I only involved on of my lifelong friends and she said, "he never has treated you right" ...I didn't even tell my mom until right before the announcement came out in the paper because I live in a small town and I didnt want her to hear it in the paper...but she'd already heard it because he dragged everyone into it...and my kids...part of the reason I stayed with the ex so long is because I wanted the kids to have the advantage of a two parent home and my ex, aside from the lying and spending, wasn't awful...but my kids, in a matter of seconds, stopped speaking to me completely and joined all those other people who think a divorce is their business...(some of who I thought were friends--one friend sent me some terrible text messages and I had to actually block her--she also refused service to me at the local post office--shes the postmaster--and so i told her I was going to her boss and she said "go ahead" and I did...and then she told everyone I lied about it...thank god I sent her terrible texts about consulting her heart and friends and my embarrassing behavior made her think I needed to go to a post office 12 miles away from now on-to her boss-but, the side of town who sided with that side still believes I lied about her to her boss) well, its just been a mess...and my kids, after almost 2 years, still hardly speak to me...I try..I call and text and visit...but I'm getting damn tired of getting treated like an intrusion that Im about ready to give up. I'm not invited to grandkids bdays--if I want to see the grandkids, Its like a big deal--and lots of stupid hoops to jump thru..."we arent having a bday party for such and such" only for me to find the pictures of bday parties posted on facebook by someone who went...holidays, same. this last sunday, easter, i went to one daughters house and said, "If you arent doing anyting, we're having dinner at grammas (My moms) and she said she'll be there...so I texted the time and dinner came around and she wasn't there so I texted her and "I've got a headache" and then I found pictures on facebook posted by my youngest sons girlfriend and they went there instead...My mom had a gift for my granddaughter and took it to their house and had to leave it in the doorway because, of course, they weren't home, they were at my other sons house. so I texted my daughter and said, sorry you had a headache and couldn't come...gramma left grandbabys present in your door way. I hope your headache got better wherever you went. It continues to be painful...and I'm ready to just give up--my youngest boy wants to get in at the company where I work...and he's actually not bad to me...but I said to him yesterday i saw that his dinner with his girlfriends family involved his brother and sisters and my ex as well-even though the day before he said it was just his girlfriends family--and I won't be bothering them anymore. He said, "No that's not it mom. Reallly not it." but I don't want to do this anymore. I just can't keep shoving myself in where they don't want me hoping that someday they'll realize divorce is two sides and I keep thinking I should have just involved everyone like my ex did...I would have at least told the truth. On a good note-I continued with that councilor for 5 more sessions and, that friend at work..he got a divorce...shortly after I did. he was unhappy in his marriage for years and years for a lot of reasons. and we are dating and its good and since we were friends for lots of years, I know him well and I can trust him.
