On friday, we saw a marriage counselor together and I told the therapist that it was over. That I couldn't tear down the walls I have erected over the last decade to protect myself and my sanity. On saturday, my wife came crying and begging to me to stay. She is scared. I am too. This is a radical life change. What will we do with the 4 bedrooms of kids stuff? There won't be a home for them all to be together in at the holidays. She thinks she will live in a hovel even though she earns 6 figures. I feel bad about this.
I still care for her and what happens to her, but I just want to find happiness and happily ever after. She says that she can and will change. I believe she is sincere. But I worry that if I tear down my wall, I will find that the changes are short-lived and last only long enough to keep me around, and then everything will be back to the way that it was. I am torn. I have not filed yet, she asked for 2 weeks to look for an attorney and I said ok. She is not a bad person. She has a good heart.
In the last 8 years we have been intimate only 5 times. She is good looking, but I don't know that I can be intimate with her again even though I had desired intimacy for oh so many years. The wounds of rejection are ever so slow to heal. Where will our 18 year old live? While the other kids are all off away at college, my bipolar child lives with us. How will the divorce affect her and the other kids. Who will she live with and can one of us handle her by ourselves if she has a manic episode.
Why do I feel so bad for someone who is just a roommate to me? Why can't I just let go? She has done nothing bad recently. She says that her spending days are over since her bankruptcy but I have heard that story in the past. She says she is cured of spending just like I am of my alcoholism. But I have a program to keep me sober, she doesn't. And I know that alcoholics pick up again for no reason whatsoever except that it seemed like the thing to do at the time. And we have a program. I can't go through that rollercoaster again.
So why am I finding it so hard to break away? Perhaps it is those future times that I will miss, times with the grandkids when the kids finally have them, christmases at two different houses. Definitely different. She is trying hard to keep us together. The touching in bed at night.....the trying to come on to me.....the offering to do ANYTHING that I want to do, even if she hates it. She is trying so hard. But where were these things this past decade? Where was the cuddling, the touching, the endless making out, the sex, the playfulness? Why was the answer always no til I spoke the D word? I am confused. I don't know what the right answer is.
I want out so bad I can taste it, yet I feel drawn back in by the siren song of for the family and the kids . It is a song that brings honor, but not happiness. Don't we all deserve to be happy? Can a leapord really change it's spots?? This is tearing me apart inside. I know that I have caused my wife tremendous pain. She wonders what is so terrible about her that I don't want to be married to her anymore. She can't seem to understand that it is not necessarily about her, but about a marriage that has been a marriage in name only for the last decade. She is afraid of being alone, so am I.
But I know I can find someone, not necessarily better, but someone different. Someone who will face issues and discuss them instead of ignoring them and letting them fester, someone who wants to be intimate. I just hope and pray that all turns out for the best for everyone involved, my wife, myself, and my children.