It surprises me how jaded I can be in one moment and how utterly naive I can be in the next. Especially when dealing with people that surround me. My co-workers, my family, my relationship they all have the ability to burrow under my skin and after every incident; I think never again. But, somehow it still happens regardless of my struggles to not allow it too. Now, I am at the point where I don't feel comfortable talking to any of the people in my life about anything but trivial things. I am a mother, a daughter, a divorcee, a fiance, a friend to everyone, and a dedicated employee. But, mostly I am alone. My father passed away a year ago and my mother moved to be closer. She has been a disaster but as patiently as possible and with the most understanding I could muster, I have tried to help her. Although I have formed a unique relationship with her after many many years of a strained one; it is definitely one sided. She comes and goes, yells and screams, laughs and cries, and makes snap decisions. It is now my place to try to gently guide her and not lose my head. I don't have an opinion or a feeling at all in her world. Especially one that contradicts her own. I can not make one decision in my life anymore without her telling me all that I am not. I am not college educated. I am not plentiful on money. I am not in a position I can make choices in. You can not just keep doing all this at your job. Your kids this and that. Your, You, Your, You. She looks down on me because I have not finished my education yet. I did everything in reverse. Husband, babies, divorce, single parenting working and going to school. My fiance is extremely self-centered, doesn't help with the kids or the house and does not work toward a future. His concern is for his fun and his wants ever since we bought a house together. I know we are now at the end of our relationship but also know that I am not in a position just to walk away and not worry about the financials. I have two little girls, one is Autistic. I work for a church and the young pastor has some major issues the other staff member is a woman in her fifties and she is hot and cold, your friend your enemy, and you never know who you are dealing with. So at work, I am constantly on guard and unfortunately, with seeing all the behind the scenes craziness and all the church politics it makes it hard for me to go to church anymore because it isn't usually about God anymore. I am so tired of just struggling with everything and having no control in my life. I made my bed and now have to lay in it but I am so tired of feeling like I am all alone. Some days I feel like it is all I can do not to snap because of the stress. I am so tired. I don't know what to do anymore and I am feeling so beat down. I am overwhelmed and its just not getting better.