I woke up this morning, 3:30 am, (slept about 5 hours again, yeah!) and my whole relationship now seems like a dream. As if it existed behind some kind of veil or fog. I guess that is what happens when all you have is a past with someone and no present or future.
Our trip to London last winter, when we walked the city for hours each day, talking and laughing, it seems like it was 2 different people that took that trip. Better versions of ourselves that maybe never really existed. Talking about every little thing throughout the day, playing Yahtzee and watching Top Chef, going to museums, symphony and plays. Walking the farmer's market and picking out dinner. It all seems like something I conjured up. But it was real and I need to remember that I didn't fabricate what we had. We were in love and I believed we would always be, despite the glitches along the way.
In the end, he was cold and distant, I was scared and needy. It was ugly in the end. He denied the significance of what we had and that has been plaguing me. But I am realizing that for him, it is a way of denying any sadness, any need for self-examination. A way to just drop back into his life and not feel any loss or pain.
I guess I will have to take the pain. It goes hand in hand with loving someone fully. It goes hand in hand with wanting to get it right the next time.