Teenage doesn't want to visit

Hi I am new and wanted to ask a question. My husband has been divorced since his daughter ( my step daughter was 2 she is now 15. I am the step mom. We have been together since she was 4. Anyway my husband is having a hell of a time having her come over. We live in the same state but about 40 min away. The arrangement is supposed to be every other weekend. Well that does not happen anymore and when she is here its really really bad. My husband and I have a 4 year old little girl now and it also affects her because she loves her big sister and is confused why she doesn’t see her. So my question.Does he just give up? and have her not come anymore like she never existed? Let her reach out to us or continue going through this misery? Any helpful advice would be appreciated.

@diane0001 What type of issue do you think this is from your experience with the daughter? I see the possible categories as:

1. The biological mom has alienated her affections for the father.

If you can show a pattern over many years, and money is not an issue - hire an attorney to enforce visitation and set up some kind of reunification plan. Different states view parental alienation differently. Therapy is almost always involved to repair the damage. You may even be able to get a flip of custody if the issue is bad enough.

2. She’s being a typical teen and wants to hang out with her friends.

I would just implement some “family time” that she is required to attend. She’ll have a bit of an attitude at first but she will start accepting that “themz the rules.” Make sure you make it easy for her to have her friendship connections during visitation. We allow a limited amount of texting so my stepdaughter doesn’t feel so disconnected. If she says she misses her friends and doesn’t get to see them during visitation offer her a sleepover if you can swing it. The idea is to find a positive way to help get some of her needs met.

3. She has some issue with your household but doesn’t have the emotional maturity to discuss it.

You can tease those kinds of issues out with a regular therapist or maybe just try and sit down with her and talk to her in a way that promises to accept whatever she says. When she opens up to you make a game plan to address her concerns. If she says things like “I’m bored” or anything along those lines - don’t get offended. Try and make some positive changes on your end. It might take a few tries but there is always something you can do to find a way to connect with kids of all ages. There are creative things you can do that don’t have to cost a lot of money. You can join some organization as a family that allows you guys to get out of the house (church, scout programs, sports team, board game clubs, adventure clubs). Try something different every visit until you land on something that sticks. Try Meetup.com for ideas. In our house we focus on activities their mom doesn’t like to do. This has been very effective.

All 3 possibilities will require you and or hubby to really sit down with her and try and find out what’s going on. Your husband should not give up. She’s 15 and she is going to have some degree of immaturity. Even though the kids don’t want to sit down to dinners with conversation in our house we make them do it anyway. It usually ends up being enjoyable. We’ve worked really hard to build up some friendships so they have those friends to look forward to her anytime they come visit. They live 3 hours away from us.

Good Luck!

Thanks for the advice. I guess you can say she is a very emotional child. She’s in therapy with her mom because it’s not any better there. All she does is go on her phone and talk with her friends. We usedto be pretty close but I guess you can say we don’t any more. It’s draining when she’s here. I suggested he start just having dinner with her every other week. My daughter will miss her dearly but I can’t take the stress anymore. I don’t see how we could do counseling since she comes over on Saturday mornings and leaves sundays. But thanks