Should I stay with a person that I am not in love with just because he's a decent husband?

[blessed]

I love my husband, but am not in love with him. I don't think that I ever really was. We started dating when we were only 20 and I had just gotten out of a relationship. I thought we were just having fun, but he wanted it to be a serious relationship. I realized that if I didn't make some kind of commitment to him then that I would lose a good guy. And he is a good guy, but I just don't feel as if he is the guy for me. I nearly called the wedding off because it didn't feel right to me.

Fast forward 10+ years and I feel like I am stuck. I am so tired and so lonely that I don't know what to do or where to turn. The few times that I have alluded to wanting to leave my husband, my friends didn't take it seriously and implied that I'd be crazy to leave a good man. I keep saying he is a good man because it is mostly true, but he does have his faults. He can be very mean at times, not to mention annoying and boring.

He is very good looking and has an excellent physique, but I am not very attracted to him sexually. I don't like the way he kisses and don't usually enjoy sex. There is just no spark there for me. I have been thinking of leaving for so long that I wish I could just rip the band-aid off and do it already. I know that my reasons for not leaving are just excuses so that I can keep putting it off because I am scared. I am scared that if I leave I will regret it, but am pretty sure that I will regret it even more if I don't... I just want to be happy.

The biggest problem for me is the house. I know that if we separate, the house will go into foreclosure. Neither of us can afford the house individually and likely wouldn't cover the mortgage by getting a roommate. It pains me that if I leave to be happy, I will ruin my credit and everything that we established over the last 10+ years. We don't have children which is good for the divorce, but my biological clock is ticking like a time bomb.

I sometimes think I should stay and have kids and then divorce later so that I don't miss my opportunity to have children. But, then that wouldn't be fair to the children either... All my life, I've done what everyone else wanted me to do. I want to do what I want before it's too late and I've missed all of my opportunities.

Am I crazy to leave a decent husband? Should I just accept that this might be the best that I can have? Any advice is appreciated, especially if you are in a similar situation. Thanks!

[p1955]

I have a friend that is basically where you are.
She loves her husband cause he's a good dad..but there really is nothing else.
I guess she's staying for the kids..

[p1955]

Don't stay for a MAYBE future....that will ruin you. You will hate yourself and him.
Agree that it should not have happened and move on...maybe i will later with him.
To bring kids into this isn't fair for them.

[Pureheart]

Have you looked into personal counselling? I think its foolish to leave a good man, remember there was a point where you thought he was great enough that YOU said I do to spending the rest of your life with him. Not being a good kisser, annoying and boring are juvenile issues. You seem to be having some inner issues because according to you he is a decent man. Keep in mind that the next mate you choose will not be perfect and you will eventually hit a point in the relationship where you begin to realize all the negatives about them. Happiness is a personal decision. YOU are the reason you're not happy. Look towards finding fulfillment in other areas of your life. If he doesn't support you looking for healthy personal fulfillment (not immature things like going out) then that would be a real reason to walkaway. But if you haven't been honest with him (or yourself) about the things you need then you are destroying a marriage for no good reason. Being "in love" with someone is a feeling that you must constantly nurture. Think about when your relationship was so good you walked down the aisle. You have an opportunity to one day have your kids AND grand kids come over for Thanksgiving dinner versus crippling your credit and losing your house. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Remember the grass isn't greener on the other side, its green where you water it

[Baylover]

You don't know what you want yet..... 10yrs together and you are still confused? You want a guy that will kiss you well and set you on fire right? That fire will send you to your early rest...

[Melissa]

I was in your situation 4 years ago. I left. I then met and married a narcissist who gave me a ton of passion I was missing. Now I regret every day I left my good husband who would never hurt me and has moved on to remarry. I am now Day 2 after filing divorce with my narcissistic husband after only 8 months of marriage. I realize now there were issues in me from my childhood that was causing me to only find charming narcissistic (abusive) types attractive and not actually normal good men. I would suggest you look deep inside yourself and make sure it’s not unhealed parts of you causing lack of attraction before you move on. I followed my heart into hell.

so

[Zham]

Wow, I felt like I was reading my own story just minus the mortgage part. I am in the same boat sort of and I'm having the same kinds of doubts and insecurities. I'm not sure if I'm craving a life that doesn't exist or just exists in movies. I have no idea what to do.

[Zham]

Wow I needed to hear that.