I love my husband, but am not in love with him. I don't think that I ever really was. We started dating when we were only 20 and I had just gotten out of a relationship. I thought we were just having fun, but he wanted it to be a serious relationship. I realized that if I didn't make some kind of commitment to him then that I would lose a good guy. And he is a good guy, but I just don't feel as if he is the guy for me. I nearly called the wedding off because it didn't feel right to me.
Fast forward 10+ years and I feel like I am stuck. I am so tired and so lonely that I don't know what to do or where to turn. The few times that I have alluded to wanting to leave my husband, my friends didn't take it seriously and implied that I'd be crazy to leave a good man. I keep saying he is a good man because it is mostly true, but he does have his faults. He can be very mean at times, not to mention annoying and boring.
He is very good looking and has an excellent physique, but I am not very attracted to him sexually. I don't like the way he kisses and don't usually enjoy sex. There is just no spark there for me. I have been thinking of leaving for so long that I wish I could just rip the band-aid off and do it already. I know that my reasons for not leaving are just excuses so that I can keep putting it off because I am scared. I am scared that if I leave I will regret it, but am pretty sure that I will regret it even more if I don't... I just want to be happy.
The biggest problem for me is the house. I know that if we separate, the house will go into foreclosure. Neither of us can afford the house individually and likely wouldn't cover the mortgage by getting a roommate. It pains me that if I leave to be happy, I will ruin my credit and everything that we established over the last 10+ years. We don't have children which is good for the divorce, but my biological clock is ticking like a time bomb.
I sometimes think I should stay and have kids and then divorce later so that I don't miss my opportunity to have children. But, then that wouldn't be fair to the children either... All my life, I've done what everyone else wanted me to do. I want to do what I want before it's too late and I've missed all of my opportunities.
Am I crazy to leave a decent husband? Should I just accept that this might be the best that I can have? Any advice is appreciated, especially if you are in a similar situation. Thanks!