I am a divorced mother of two fantastic little girls. I am now in a long-term relationship with another man and see a pattern forming. I pick men poorly. It is now obvious to me that unless all men possess the poor qualities illustrated within the two examples that I have picked, then it is my choices that have sabotaged most of my adult life. I have a father, and he was a fine example of a husband, father, and adult. Yet, I did not seek out a man with similar qualities. Instead, I tended to allow the men I choose to manipulate me and make me feel that they needed me. Family problems, rough life, poor me.... I run full steam ahead screaming along the way "Poor guy just needs a chance!"
I have only had two relationships in my life. The one I am currently in and my marriage that ended in divorce. My track record although minimal shows me a pattern I can not deny. And although I ended up caring for both men deeply, quite frankly, I should have had the common sense to run the other way when issues first arose in both relationships. Should have, could have, would have just doesn't work in life. Reality is I made my choices and I have to deal with the consequences. Yes, I was young the first time around. Maturity was not something I was honestly armed with. But, by the second time around? No excuse.
Anymore, as my current relationship deteriorates, I have more and more sleepless nights. My mind churns with my position, my goals, and my hopes. Sometimes my mind chews on my insane choices that have led me to this position in life. And in the mornings in a dazed fog as I drone through daily routines with these things still weighing on my mind...I still have to face reality, that my position does not allow for me to make decisions one moment and moves the next. This is a sobering fact for me. I am not in physical danger. So I will plan for the future with all these things in my mind. This will be my driving force. I am breaking the cycle of self-destruction; I am choosing quality in my life I am choosing to change my patterns so never to repeat history again.