**Please help in getting the love of my life back, Please**

Hello,

I just found this site and decided to give it a try as I’ve been using Qoura as well to seek help/advice/hope for my current situation. I want to try and get straight to the point as I know people don’t have time to read paragraph after paragraph but I’ll clarify anything if someone asks me too.

My wife and I, of 7+ years of Marriage are going through divorce right now. We married at 20 years of age while I was in the military and she’s been with me through a lot. In my belief, I think our marriage still had the honeymoon stage love all the way throughout our marriage when we were GOOD. We would have many arguments over small things like chores, or whatever that was small that my wife would just make a big deal over but unfortunately I am a type of alpha husband that didn’t like her making me feel like I wasn’t carrying my own weight when it came to husband duties for our marriage.

So, there was no cheating involved ( I’m her first love, first everything), there was no money issues other than having separate accounts(I’ll specify if need be), no gambling, so drinking or smoking or drugs, no kids only 3 dogs, sex was no issue and was amazing still after 7 years, but I did gain weight after the military, I did become lasy as I was more focused on my college assignments then cleaning, and the biggest thing, I was verbally abusive in Most of our arguments. Said a lot of things that I don’t mean in the moment of time during the peak of our arguments as I felt the need to defend myself in a way but obviously it wasn’t right to do and I should’ve just kept my mouth shut and walked away than snap at her brattiness or attitude.

I do suffer from issues from the military (Marine Corps) such as depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts(only during times), I seek behavioral therapy, and also take antidepressants among others for minor things. I always told my wife that if she wouldn’t keep persisting an issue(which were small petty issues) I wouldn’t have to go off on her but I was stupid for saying that and I know I’m responsible for my own behavior. Although I’ve shown through my actions that the things I said during our arguments are not true and I don’t mean, her heart is hardened and she does say that she felt scared that I was going to hit her sometimes when I would snap at her. I never hit her, or laid a hand on her but I know the fear she has is definitely saddening to hear as I know she knows how sweet I am, loving, compassionate, charming, caring, etc.

She separated moved out in April 29 and filed for divorce August 16th and during the whole time we were separated, I begged, pleaded, and looked like a desperate fool. I told her that I’ll do anything to save our marriage whether it’s seeking God together, counseling, therapy, or anything. I told her I know she probably thinks I’m lowering my worth by begging but I told her she knows the Marine I am inside that can protect her and be her strong man but that right now I’m fighting for us, for you, our memories, and our marriage. I told her I’m Christian Grey submitting myself to her because of how much I love and want her to forever me mine only (As I’m her first love). Long story short she declined everything, I’ve tried everything, asked her to go out and just catch up, give me 90 days to see the change in me that I promised or else continue with divorce, seek therapy together, anything and everything. She still filed for divorce without even trying anything and I totally get why, trust me. I’ve had time and more time to reflect my wrongs and see that she’s hardened and I won’t be able to have her back for a long time until her heart softens.

Since getting served divorce papers, I’ve continued my schooling take 25.5 units this semester, I volunteer at my local dog shelter twice a week which provides great therapy, I continue to live on my own and take care of my three dogs, I’m hitting the gym more losing weight, I’m switching off of one of my antidepressants because I don’t want that to show that I can’t handle myself without medication, I’m becoming emotionally more independent of my wife, I stopped texting, calling, or reaching out to her as I’m giving her the divorce she wanted with my absence, I do return her messages when she texts me confidently without saying much or bringing up getting back together, I’m very ambitious to move on and be successful, my attitude now has been upbeat and motivating, I prayer every night for restoration of my marriage, and many other things. Her parents are very supporting of me and send me bible verses and provide advice, they’ve been in the same situation before but physical abuse was done by my father in law but found God and restored his marriage and they’ve been happy sense. They provide us a great example that things can change even when they’re really bad.

I want to keep this short but I feel like I need to give everyone a clear picture of what’s going on.

I love my wife, I love our marriage, I love and cherish her being only mine, I cherish her and all her flaws and insecurities, I’ve self reflected many times and I genuinely have been seeking help to become not just a better person but the husband my wife has always dreamed of having. She knows all my great qualities but my “mental issues” and “disrespect” has made her fall out of love with me.

I know love doesn’t die, it just gets pushed to the back of everything else and I know I can restore our love. When I love my wife, i genuinely pause, look directly at her and tell her how much I love her and how much she means to me. Some say “you don’t love her if you verbally abuse her” I disagree.

I messed up, I love her whether the divorce goes through or not, I hear all the time of people coming back together and remarrying especially when cheating is involved. So I know not all hope is lost.

I’m seeking any advice/wisdom/hope/ anything positive to find my way back to my wife’s heart, no matter how long it takes, just as long as she’s only mine and no other man’s. Please please please don’t just say “move on” or provide no hope, just don’t say anything if you’re going to provide no hope and just say move on. I am moving on, I have been, but I can still have hope for the future of restoration of me and her. Sorry but many people I’ve come across provide no hope and they don’t know what could happen. God makes miracles happen everyday for people far worse than me so don’t bother with any negativity.

I’m truly asking for anything whether it’s advice for reattracting my wife, is there areas I didn’t cover that I should fix or improve on, anything that could provide a better chance to at least get my one last chance with my beautiful wife. I’d really appreciate it and I’m grateful for anyone taking the time to read all this. Sorry for the long story. strong text

I admire your determination. But to be honest, you said several times in your post that you wanted her to be “mine and no other man’s.” That’s possession, not love. That’s control, not love. She’s not chattel, she’s not property to be owned and your post implies that you consider her "your " property. This sounds more about jealousy and possession than true love. Since you go to church you know the proverb that says “love is gentle it is kind it does not keep track of things it’s not possessive etc.” I don’t have any advice on how to get your wife back, she will come back if and only when she decides if it’s worth opening up her heart to you. I left my husband after 25 years of verbal abuse and drinking and even though it’s hard and I still love him, I don’t trust that any changes he would make would last. If reuniting with your wife is truly God’s will and in HER best interest and you have permanently changed, then it will happen. But if it doesn’t meet all three of those criteria, nothing in heaven or on earth will come together to make this work. You truly need to identify and resolve the viewing her as a possession part. Good luck

WOW…Direct and to the heart of the matter.

I’m not trying to be harsh or unkind. Yes I’m being very direct. You have clearly done a lot of work on yourself, but it just seemed to me that you were more concerned about her not being some other man’s then wanting her for all the right reasons. Your post just felt extremely possessive. And jealousy and possessiveness are going to lead you right back to the original problems you had. So I would just suggest that you truly look into your heart and if I met even 1% right, that you consider working on that as well. On another note, I have to tell you that another woman that you reply to her post took your advice. Her name is Stephanie and she wanted to get back with her ex-husband, who was now considering marrying his girlfriend. Your device to her was to open up her heart and tell her husband exactly how she was feeling so that at least if he rejected her, she knew she done everything she could do to get them back. Well guess what? Your advice worked! She told me that at first her husband was dubious and thought she was on the rebound, but then after sometime she kept at it and now they’re trying again and they’re back together. So, you should be feeling very happy that your sage and good advice helped put together a couple who had been broken up and now they’re going to get remarried.

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So my point is, I’m just trying to be very direct and honest with you and giving you advice from my perspective. It doesn’t mean I’m right. It’s an observation. But I did want you to know the good you had done by advising that other woman who posted to be honest with her ex-husband and share her feelings of remorse and wanting to get back together. And that your advice worked !

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One more quick thing I want to touch up on. Women cannot love someone they fear. They want to feel protected and cherished and as if the man in their life would do anything to protect them. So when the person they look too good to be there protector is there tormentor and makes him feel physically and mentally threatened, that’s a real tough not to get over. I would suggest you read the book called “why does he do that? Inside the mind of angry and abusive men”. It was life-changing for me and it also says that verbal abuser is rarely ever change and the only change if they work very hard and continue to work the rest of their lives to show the woman I love that they have permanently changed. It takes more than 90 days or 180 days it’s a lifelong work to undo A temperamental issue that is inbedded inside you. Where it came from, I don’t know and that really doesn’t matter. The fact that matter is verbal abuse is almost worse than physical because it can be excused away as “well if you hadnt said that to me that way I would’ve gotten mad”. Which at least you know it’s nonsense. You stated that only you can control your behavior and that is true. I am giving this perspective to you from the side of a verbally abused woman who watched a loving supportive kind husband turn into a snarling red-faced maniac who use the words to kill our love. There is no going back for me as my former husband will never do the work and years of work and therapy and take responsibility. It sounds like you were willing to do that which is Great. Again, I would urge you to get that book is it really delved into verbal abuse and what it does to a marriage. It’s a tough read for an abuser, but if you truly want to salvage your marriage, it might be helpful to see from the abused’ point of view how you made your wife feel and how you might possibly make amends.

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Hello Kat,

I totally forgot that I wrote this and just now saw your comment. I understand how this might sound as I would love to have my wife remain celibate during separation or divorce because I want to only be hers. I get how it might sound obsessive, as others have agreed with me and have similar opinions to you, it’s truly something that some people understand and others don’t. Trust me, her purity is not the only thing that matters to me and I dislike it when people jump to conclusions that I only view my wife as a trophy with is definitely not it.

I love my wife with all my heart, she was my best friend, my soul mate, and her giving me her virginity is like an honor especially since I’ve stuck by her side for 7+ years even after she gave her virginity up to me way before we even talked about getting married. I truly love everything about her and would love to have her only to myself as I’ve never had to deal with jealousy issues or trust issues. My wife totally understood that point as she had to deal with jealousy issues and trust issues and I was still friends with my first love and still wanted to talk to her and be friends. She had to deal with jealousy and trust issues and it came to the point where she didn’t like that we were still friends on Facebook and she was jealous of what we shared and how she looked.

For me, I don’t want to have to go through that and I get I have no power over her but as a Christian woman, I would hope that she’d reconsider and give our marriage one last opportunity. She hasn’t put in any effort, she feels like the total prize as I begged, cried, pleaded, and all those things that made me look desperate. She made an alpha type, military man, dominant, and manly manly look like a whimpering child trying to save our marriage yet there was no effort on her end whatsoever ever. I always asked her, “What did you try to do in our marriage to make it better?” Because there wasn’t anything that I could think about. I truly feel like I had all the weight of our marriage on my shoulders and I now realize that there’s a difference between being verbally abusive and being provoked to say things we don’t mean. Of course this is no excuse for the words I said to my wife but for so long I called myself a verbal abuser which gave people the image that I was the type of husband like, “Hey get me a beer now bh, hey why isn’t the dishes done you’re so worthless”. That’s not me, nowhere near me. The only times I’d act out was only in some of our arguments over something small that she’d keep persisting the issue whether it was not keeping the house clean, picking up after myself, cleaning the microwave, etc. No matter how calm I was in trying to reason with my wife, she would continue to persist saying, “I guess you don’t care about our house being cleaned.” After awhile of feeling demeaned as a husband and as a man, I would get pushed to my limit and go off telling her all the things I did and how she can’t bh about every small thing when I’m busting my ass. Sometimes I’d even feel so disrespected and worthless that I’d lose it and through stuff at the walls.

This wasn’t our marriage though. It was only 1% of our marriage as we normally were still very much in love like the honeymoon stages yet sometimes I’d feel like we’d be so good, have such a great day together, and then she’d find a way to make it bad by bring up something so small to get us in an argument. So from what I read from other, I’m not in the verbal abusive realm, I just get pushed to my limits when my wife would nag at me yet this still doesn’t mean that I’m saying it’s okay. It’s not okay and I know now to just shut my mouth and walk out the door because it’s not worth losing someone I love so dearly.

Lastly, I get it. It’s just sex right? But for guys like me, it messes with our minds. Cuckolds don’t care if their wives been with 100+ men, but alpha men do care because we want to know our women have been with very few men or now at all. Most importantly though, the reason I put so much emphasis on her being only mine is because I can accept all her flaws and imperfections no matter what the cause is, just as long as she’s only been with me sexually. But if she’s going to start sleeping around during or after divorce, find out that some guys are not faithful or make her laugh or share the same visions, and then decides to want to come back to me, why would I try so hard to be latched down again? Why would I not have fun myself and possible see other girls who are far better that her? Thing is, I can put up with a lot of her flaws, imperfections, lack of being adventurous, lack staying motivated towards her goals, doesn’t have a degree yet, is more of a pretty girl than a girl who doesn’t mind getting a little dirty, lack initiative, and many other things.

When it comes to her being pure and only with me, doesn’t mean I’m looking at her as a trophy or a prize. I look at her as a woman I can trust who’s going to be loyal and devoted to only me, who’s only going to have eyes for me, who’s only going to have fantasies of me inside her head when she thinks about sex, who is 100% all his and not be worried or question whether my kids would be mine or not. I can accept her and love her forever with all her flaws and imperfections because I do truly love her with all my heart but I wouldn’t allow myself to settle if she’s been with other men. I would settle in seeing if there’s a girl who’s an RN, masters degree, adventurous, has a great family environment, takes initiative, can get dirty and still look like a million bucks afterwards.

I hope this clarifies some but your opinion is your opinion.

What do you mean?

Hello Kat,

I could’ve sworn I’ve left a comment replying back to your first response but maybe it was somebody else because I don’t see my previous comment, weird.

Anyways, you’re actually being very helpful and you’re providing constructive criticism with positive feedback which is great compared to other sites I’ve been on especially Quora that people (mostly women) they take the smallest information and jump to conclusions instantly. They said things like “Oh you had your chance, no more chances for you, you didn’t love her enough, you only cared about yourself and your own feelings” which is along the lines of some of the negative feedback that I get from others. It’s very difficult to hear others speak that way because not only am I in a vulnerable state going through my divorce process, but it actually starts making me question whether or not I should give up on relationships or give up on life since I guess no matter how much I provide them with information of the genuine kind hearted man I am, just won’t necessarily matter to build a new relationships in the future or save my current marriage. It’s pretty sad, pretty messed up, and as an alpha type, military man, manly man type of guy, I can’t help but cry thinking that maybe the reason why my marriage is ending really is all my fault and I have no one to blame but myself. It’s very heartbreaking.

You on the other hand provide great advice although I don’t agree with being “possessive” over my wife and the importance of her being with other men. I do want her back for all the right reasons and I can go on and on about what I miss and really cherish from her like us being best friends, being able to have long conversations for hours and hours, to be able to love each other randomly throughout the day, to make each other laugh, to be able to get excited when the other person comes home and meets each other at the door to hug and kiss each other as if we were away for a long time. I just can’t help but want my wife to continue to be the woman I married and that includes her purity as I’m the only man she’s been with. I don’t think there’s many men out there who will be okay with the thought of their ex wife’s sleeping around with other men as we know it will be hard to regain that trust and most likely keep us from loving our spouse the same way as before if they decided to come back after being with other men. I know for women, if the tables were turned and the husband quickly started moving on and sleeping with other women (which I know is more than ok as they are free from marriage), but if they tried to come back to their wives, I doubt the wives would be okay with it as well.

Again, I don’t obsess over her only being mine, I just know that the chances of me taking her back if she ever decided to reconcile while she sees the grass isn’t greener on the other side, her being with other men will play a big factor in ever wanting to build a new marriage or relationship together. I’m sorry I just really valued what we had, the sacredness of our marriage, and knowing she was a very Godly woman enough to wait to lose her virginity to a man who truly loved her and wouldn’t abandon her. She’s not a trophy to me, she’s not a possession to me, she’s just the woman I fell in love with and would hope and pray that she continues to stay that way as we both focus on bettering ourselves and reconciling taking things very slow to build a completely new foundation together.

I’m truly sorry that her being with other men bothers me but it just does. It’s not just a guy thing though, women feel the same way sometimes. How would my wife feel if we got back together and I told her I slept with 50 women while we divorced and I didn’t wear protection? I know she wouldn’t be happy and be just as hurt and just as mind f**ked like me. Perfect example was when me and my wife were dating and she saw my ex who I thought I was going to marry since I gave my ex a promise ring. When my wife saw my ex for the first time, she was jealous and didn’t like me talking to her as friends and didn’t like that I still had her on my Facebook. So, in order to help my wife feel more secure in our marriage, I deleted everything that had anything to do with my ex. As a man who was fortunate enough to marry a woman who was a virgin and provided so much security in our marriage. It’s not that I’m bothered by whether the guys she’s been with are better looking, have bigger penis sizes, or have more money, no! It’s the thought of another man touching and having his way with my wife who was once so pure to me in our marriage.

Just to add, if she does sleep with other men when maybe she has or not, I have suspicions even though we’re still only 3 months into our divorce process, why would I fight so hard to keep her in my life instead of going out and being with other women myself? If she’s already given herself to other men, why should I be trying so hard and crying over her when I should be doing the same? Even though I would love to keep my marriage with her and I love her so much unconditionally that I will probably continue to love for many years, why would I try to get back together right now when she’s obviously experiencing life with other men and I should be doing the same. If we’re meant to be then we’d end up anyway so why fight so hard to save our marriage or relationship right now.

For me, I’m kind of afraid that I will like being able to have the single life I didn’t get to have before marriage and not want to be in a committed relationship again with my wife if she ever wanted to work things out. Her lack of effort in wanting to save our marriage also plays a big part in wanting to reunite with her if she sleeps with other men. Everything she’s done, all the blame she’s placed on me, and the hurtful words and lies she’s made during our divorce are something I could easily let go of if she remained pure. If I sound possessive, I truly don’t mean to but I know others understand where I’m coming from when it comes to this way of thinking and feeling. I don’t have control over her and I don’t have control over what she does but I’d hope that she’d understand that the likelihood of us coming together again will diminish if she’s been with other men especially if I remain celibate during our time a part.

I love my wife so very much that I still love her today unconditionally, I helped her out with money when everyone said not to, I have been finding all sorts of ways I can become a better man to show her that I’m her best option and that I am a man who has the desire to change for himself and for his wife. Sometimes I tell myself it’s okay that she sleeps with other men, I was her first for over 7 years, and if she came back, I can give her babies which is still very valuable to my heart so I am beginning to see that it’s not the end of the world if she does. But still I would hope she’d stay celibate and work on reconciliation as what Christians are encouraged to do.

As for the advice for the woman named Stephanie, it warms my heart to hear about her success for the rebirth of her marriage. I only wish to help husbands and wives save their marriage as I feel for others and feel the pain they are probably suffering from. I see so many people providing negative advice and the thing is, is that we all make mistakes, we all are not perfect, and just because mistakes were made in a marriage doesn’t mean the marriage should be destroyed forever. I want to truly help others in situations just like mine and even worse. Here’s a fact, my wife’s parents are living proof that you can be happy in a marriage that was once verbally and physically abusive yet they both found God and have been together happily ever since with no such things still existing in their marriage. So, I know if those like myself have the desire to evolve themselves to save the loves of their life, it is more than possible.

I’m very pleased to hear I have helped others and I know I would love to continue to provide positivity into others lives to believe in the possibility of restoring their marriages. I would love others to do the same for me as I’m still searching ways to save my marriage, improve myself, and keep faith in reconciling with the love of my life.

I appreciate your feedback and support in everything. Truly grateful.

Yes, I appreciate your support and I appreciate your honesty and being direct in your input.

I hope you receive my other posts as I see that there are 3 pending but I believe it’s because of the holidays. I mentioned that I don’t consider myself to be an “abuser” as many have told me that there’s a difference between being verbally abusive to say harsh things that were not intentional nor used to manipulate or betray my spouse for my own selfish motives.

For the longest time after being called an “abuser” by other people I spoke to way before during the beginning of my separation and I had come to believe that from what I’ve said to her had made me guilty of being an abuser. But after explaining my situation to many of how I would only lose my cool in only SOME of our arguments that were mainly started by my wife over small issues such as the cleanliness of our home. Many times I tried to calm her and reason with her that it wasn’t that big of a deal and that homework (As I’ve been in college after I got out of the military taking upwards of 18-25.5 units a semester which is like 6-7 classes a semester) was priority above doing the dishes or whatever. The more I tried to reason with her, many times she’d keep persisting and provoked me by making me feel like I’m not doing my duties as a husband and as a man to fill my wife’s needs and it was only until I got pushed to a limit, I would yell, cuss, explain all the ways I contribute more than she does, and even throw things at the walls.

In no way am I saying my behavior is excusable. I’m just saying that I’m not a man who intentionally verbally abuses his wife for selfish motives and my behavior was only provoked during persisting arguments that she’d make.
I use to tell my wife that I wouldn’t behavior so angrily if she didn’t keep making big deals out of small issues and keep persisting in making it worse. But during separation, I’ve realize that it doesn’t matter how she is to me, doesn’t matter how she makes me feel less of a husband and man, it doesn’t matter if she is being hormonal (Her words, not mine), or whether she’s being bratty or not, I’m in control of the way I respond to my wife. I take fault for my behavior and should’ve kept my mouth shut and left the house for a couple hours. But I’m a firm believer I am not an “abuser”. I believe whoever is influencing my wife whether it’s coworkers or friends, they’re feeding her negative information that I’ve seen many times on forums that she should leave because they tell her I’m a Verbal Abuser.

I know I’m not and does it hurt like hell to feel my wife thinking this about me? Yes, very much so. It truly hurts me so much that again, I’m a big tall man, alpha type of man who’s humbled, Godly man, very nice to random people, manly man, military tough guy type of guy yet I cry many times over how she describes me to others when I know it’s untrue and constantly have to call her out on the things she’s said about me. I feel like I was a very great guy/husband although I’m not perfect and have small issues here and there.

I when my father committed suicide, when my wife came with me to see my father for the last time before we cremated him, I didn’t cry nor have any tears in my eyes even though I was very sad my father had taken his life. But throughout this process of my wife deciding to not put any effort into saving our marriage with me, I feel helpless and cry randomly throughout the day. I’m not a crier but losing the love of my life and feeling abandoned just kills everything inside me and has destroyed my ability to not cry over the loss of her.

So, I provide others with positive information because we all make mistakes but I don’t think you should give up on the other person you’re married to unless they are very set in their ways and don’t want to change. I want to be whatever my wife needs me to be. 7 years is a long time to just throw away but I know I’ve done everything to save us and I’m continuing to work on myself whether she comes back or not. I still feel committed to her whether divorce is final or not and it’s hard to see another woman in my life.

I can only pray she sees or has some sort of epiphany to remember that I’m not someone who’d ever give up on bettering himself for the happiness of his marriage.

I’ve stated in your other comments that I dont consider myself as an abuser. Although there is no excuse for my actions that I’ve owned up to and am determined to redirect my behavior during these situations, I believe it was only a defensive tactic that I got used to and would find excuses like you quoted. I’ve learned that although my wife might provoke me or push me to my absolute limits which made me lose my cool, I need to respond differently and just walk out the door and come back after things cool down.

I appreciate the book and I’ll still read it even though I don’t consider myself as a “Verbal Abuser”. Thank you for your support and feedback.