I just found this site and decided to give it a try as I’ve been using Qoura as well to seek help/advice/hope for my current situation. I want to try and get straight to the point as I know people don’t have time to read paragraph after paragraph but I’ll clarify anything if someone asks me too.
My wife and I, of 7+ years of Marriage are going through divorce right now. We married at 20 years of age while I was in the military and she’s been with me through a lot. In my belief, I think our marriage still had the honeymoon stage love all the way throughout our marriage when we were GOOD. We would have many arguments over small things like chores, or whatever that was small that my wife would just make a big deal over but unfortunately I am a type of alpha husband that didn’t like her making me feel like I wasn’t carrying my own weight when it came to husband duties for our marriage.
So, there was no cheating involved ( I’m her first love, first everything), there was no money issues other than having separate accounts(I’ll specify if need be), no gambling, so drinking or smoking or drugs, no kids only 3 dogs, sex was no issue and was amazing still after 7 years, but I did gain weight after the military, I did become lasy as I was more focused on my college assignments then cleaning, and the biggest thing, I was verbally abusive in Most of our arguments. Said a lot of things that I don’t mean in the moment of time during the peak of our arguments as I felt the need to defend myself in a way but obviously it wasn’t right to do and I should’ve just kept my mouth shut and walked away than snap at her brattiness or attitude.
I do suffer from issues from the military (Marine Corps) such as depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts(only during times), I seek behavioral therapy, and also take antidepressants among others for minor things. I always told my wife that if she wouldn’t keep persisting an issue(which were small petty issues) I wouldn’t have to go off on her but I was stupid for saying that and I know I’m responsible for my own behavior. Although I’ve shown through my actions that the things I said during our arguments are not true and I don’t mean, her heart is hardened and she does say that she felt scared that I was going to hit her sometimes when I would snap at her. I never hit her, or laid a hand on her but I know the fear she has is definitely saddening to hear as I know she knows how sweet I am, loving, compassionate, charming, caring, etc.
She separated moved out in April 29 and filed for divorce August 16th and during the whole time we were separated, I begged, pleaded, and looked like a desperate fool. I told her that I’ll do anything to save our marriage whether it’s seeking God together, counseling, therapy, or anything. I told her I know she probably thinks I’m lowering my worth by begging but I told her she knows the Marine I am inside that can protect her and be her strong man but that right now I’m fighting for us, for you, our memories, and our marriage. I told her I’m Christian Grey submitting myself to her because of how much I love and want her to forever me mine only (As I’m her first love). Long story short she declined everything, I’ve tried everything, asked her to go out and just catch up, give me 90 days to see the change in me that I promised or else continue with divorce, seek therapy together, anything and everything. She still filed for divorce without even trying anything and I totally get why, trust me. I’ve had time and more time to reflect my wrongs and see that she’s hardened and I won’t be able to have her back for a long time until her heart softens.
Since getting served divorce papers, I’ve continued my schooling take 25.5 units this semester, I volunteer at my local dog shelter twice a week which provides great therapy, I continue to live on my own and take care of my three dogs, I’m hitting the gym more losing weight, I’m switching off of one of my antidepressants because I don’t want that to show that I can’t handle myself without medication, I’m becoming emotionally more independent of my wife, I stopped texting, calling, or reaching out to her as I’m giving her the divorce she wanted with my absence, I do return her messages when she texts me confidently without saying much or bringing up getting back together, I’m very ambitious to move on and be successful, my attitude now has been upbeat and motivating, I prayer every night for restoration of my marriage, and many other things. Her parents are very supporting of me and send me bible verses and provide advice, they’ve been in the same situation before but physical abuse was done by my father in law but found God and restored his marriage and they’ve been happy sense. They provide us a great example that things can change even when they’re really bad.
I want to keep this short but I feel like I need to give everyone a clear picture of what’s going on.
I love my wife, I love our marriage, I love and cherish her being only mine, I cherish her and all her flaws and insecurities, I’ve self reflected many times and I genuinely have been seeking help to become not just a better person but the husband my wife has always dreamed of having. She knows all my great qualities but my “mental issues” and “disrespect” has made her fall out of love with me.
I know love doesn’t die, it just gets pushed to the back of everything else and I know I can restore our love. When I love my wife, i genuinely pause, look directly at her and tell her how much I love her and how much she means to me. Some say “you don’t love her if you verbally abuse her” I disagree.
I messed up, I love her whether the divorce goes through or not, I hear all the time of people coming back together and remarrying especially when cheating is involved. So I know not all hope is lost.
I’m seeking any advice/wisdom/hope/ anything positive to find my way back to my wife’s heart, no matter how long it takes, just as long as she’s only mine and no other man’s. Please please please don’t just say “move on” or provide no hope, just don’t say anything if you’re going to provide no hope and just say move on. I am moving on, I have been, but I can still have hope for the future of restoration of me and her. Sorry but many people I’ve come across provide no hope and they don’t know what could happen. God makes miracles happen everyday for people far worse than me so don’t bother with any negativity.
I’m truly asking for anything whether it’s advice for reattracting my wife, is there areas I didn’t cover that I should fix or improve on, anything that could provide a better chance to at least get my one last chance with my beautiful wife. I’d really appreciate it and I’m grateful for anyone taking the time to read all this. Sorry for the long story. strong text