@Love Thanks for the compliment! I'm on this board for my own advanced issues. As I've been reading through it I just see parallels to things I've already been through.
Take good care of yourself! I can't stress that enough. I was told by a mediator that girlfriends typically bolt after the first year. The stress is tremendous. Love will carry you through some it. The real weapon that will help you the most is just educating yourself on what the psychology here is and controlling how you behave. You'll never be able control others.
Your boyfriend will also need to work on setting boundaries to protect you and the kids. That is harder than it sounds because it's likely he is dealing with old patterns of behavior if the divorce is fresh and he may be carrying some guilt and anger as well. Be gentle and patient with him. It can take time.
Our Ex has a personality disorder of some kind. You kind of know they have something going on because he/she seem to be stuck in the anger phase of the 'Stages of Grief' for years. I've had the experience of her being super nice and wanting to co-parent with me only to discard me a week later. PD people have a cycle they go through that includes being nice. She's made comments that she has to be nice to me for the sake of the kids but she's never really internalized that feeling and she slips back into her old patterns over and over. I use to take it all personally but you can't and still feel good. I've been going through more than 4 years of this. We have a mantra in our household "I manage my own emotions. No one is responsible for my anger except for me." The kids know it. I know it. Dad knows it. Whenever the youngest has a meltdown and says something like "She made me mad so I yelled at her." I gently remind her of the mantra.
Not everyone has a personality disorder when they lose their temper and calls you names. But the methods for handling PD people also work on normal people who engage in this type of behavior. PD has a spectrum and it affects men and women equally. Go check out information on Narcissism, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Histrionic Personality Disorder. It's typically the Class B cluster group that is the culprit. There are 4 things these types of people share in common:
1) All or Nothing thinking
2) Unmanaged emotions
3) Extreme Behavior
4) Blaming Others
Bill Eddy is one of the best resources around. He is an author, a former custody mediator, and a former family lawyer. He's got lots of books to choose from and you may find some stuff on YouTube as well.
All the best to you Love!