New Stepmother Stepfather (originally mistress

Stepfamilies
#1

When the teen/young adult kids do NOT accept the new stepmom (nor stepdad), what typically happens? Do the selfish lovebirds continue on happily ? (I dont know how they can even be happy in the first place!

Prior to the affair they were not mean people & they both still love their own kids!) Can the marriage make it? or is it doomed? Seems like this alone would put a terrible strain on their love affair? And how do they really FEEL - being so selfish - continuing to cause so much pain for everyone around them?

#2

The lovebirds are too wrapped up in the neurotransmitters that their union generates to be concerned with anyone else’s feelings.For a great explanation of how this works: http://people.howstuffworks.com/love.htm If they tend towards selfishness, their tunnel vision will be really narrow. The thing that factors the most into the success of a second (or third, or fourth, etc.) marriage is whether or not the folks involved did the work that needed to be done to repair whatever it was in themselves that caused the previous marriage to fail. Second marriages that start as extramarital affairs have a notoriously low success rate.Unhappy kids can wreak havoc on the best marriages - they will quickly play both ends against the middle even when their parents are married to each other. I’m going to give you some advice that you didn’t ask for and is hard to follow. Really hard to follow. Ignore what’s happening in their house. Pay attention to what’s going on in yours. You can’t do anything about anyone’s behavior but your own. You have some influence over your kids’ behavior. Behave respectfully towards your ex and his wife - not friendly, but with the basic respect that you’d show a stranger. Insist that your children do the same while they’re with you. If you feel the need to dis the lovebirds, do it in a journal or in a blog here. Give your kids the option of doing the same, and/or get them into counseling (preferably on Dad’s time and dime) to deal with their feelings. It’s okay to feel angry or hurt, but NOT okay to hurt someone else (physically or psychically) because of it. Karma. What goes around comes around. You make the bed, you lay in it. You reap what you sow. No matter how you phrase it or what anyone else does, do what you can to make sure that what comes back to you is what you want, that your bed’s comfy, that your crops are tasty and nutritious.

#3

Even if you had a crystal ball and could see the outcome of their relationship, what would it matter? Would it change what you do or how you behave or how you help your children? It shouldn’t. And you needn’t be concerned with whether she will be dependent on your stbx or not … as far as the courts are concerned she is not his concern, his kids are. So who cares if she has to depend on him or anyone else?I get the anger and hurt after a betrayal - been there, done that. That’s how I know that you need to focus on yourself and your kids, and not on them and whether or not they’ll make it. It’s a waste of your precioius time and energy, don’t you agree? What’s it accomplishing for you other than keep you up at night and cause you stress?

#4

I am going to admit, I don’t know the answers to your questions. I can tell you a little of how my ex’s behavior has effects my young adults. First, he planned his moving out of the house day without telling my senior in high school. Yes, he’s insensitive and unaware of how his behavior effects others.Second, started dating less than 4 months after leaving the family home. He told the kids, and told them not to tell me!Third, brought her to the kids’ sporting events one month later. Yeah, less than 6 months after the divorce. (One year after HE knew we were getting divorced!)Next? Got engaged, again told the kids and told them not to tell me, less than a year after the divorce.Once again, planned the wedding date and never told the same son he blew off the year before.The kids? well I am very confident saying my two old children have no use for her. She offers them nothing. think they tolerate them as a couple because they love their dad. the younger one is pretty quiet so don’t know what he thinks. I know they are all polite and tolerant, because they were raised that way. she is, btw, their father’s wife. I KNOW she will never be their step mother.I support my kids. I am available, open, loving and encouraging. I stay out of their relationship with their dad as much as possible. They know where to come for love and support. that’s all that matterrs at this point. good luck!