Need help dealing with husbands ex wife

Relationships
#1

I have a 4 year old daughter and have been divorced before and now am a stepmother of a 2 year old daughter. I have felt uneasy for quite a while about the way my husbands ex wife acts towards him. She calls or texts him on a daily basis even when their daughter is not with us. He sometimes tells me what the call text was about and it is usually nothing important. I feel like she just wants to stay in his life and make her presence known all the time.

We both work a lot so I don’t even know how much she calls or texts when we aren’t together other than the times he tells me. She texts random things like your daughter just did the funniest thing… or someone just called your daughter a daredevil. She takes after you!

Am I being paranoid? I have voiced my concerns to my husband and he says it’s just the way she is. I’m not sure if he encourages it by engaging in a full conversation or why she always has to be there every single day. They have a civil relationship where they keep each other informed of their daughter and when he drops her off he gives her a full detailed report of his time with her.

I feel the excessive communication has put tension on our relationship. Any suggestions as to how to describe the way I feel without him thinking I want all contact cut off? My ex and I have a civil relationship too where we can talk about our daughter but not anywhere as near much as they do.

#2

In co-parenting class, we are told to encourage a full relationship between our children and the other parent. Your step-daughter is 2 years old, so she’s not going to be able to tell daddy about her day. Later on, a daily phone call from his daughter is absolutely to be encouraged. Meanwhile her mother is providing the info.From her perspective, her daughter’s father has recently remarried, and now spends more time with his step-daughter than with his own daughter. (Correct?) She could simply be worried that he will forget about his daughter now that he has you and your daughter.I don’t know what caused their divorce, or what makes you think your husband would want to go back to his ex-wife. But if you have a problem, it is not with her but with him. The question isn’t why does she call? The question is Do you trust your husband?You feel jealousy. Admit it. Own it. Paint it green. The tension in your marriage is because you feel jealousy and you don’t know whether it is justified or acceptable. So you try to act like you aren’t jealous. And he has probably stopped telling you about every text and call, because he knows you aren’t comfortable.You say you’ve voiced your concerns. You probably put it in terms of her motivation. Instead you need to tell him honestly how it makes you feel. And then ask him what he is willing to do to make you feel more secure.

#3

Ditto what Mike said.I have a hard time with this as well, because I am a jealous person by nature, and while I understand that he might have to keep the line of communication open with his ex, I would not be comfortable with it and I would take it personally. I know that sounds awful, but I know myself well enough that I can openly admit that. I’m not ready to deal with it yet, so I avoid it until I know that I can. When you start dating/get married to someone who has children, you will more than likely have to deal with their ex(s) (hopefully not more than one ex haha). When you are around her, do you get the feeling that she makes a pass at him? That’s an issue entirely separate from this one that would need to be addressed. But right now, it sounds as if she’s doing her best to keep him in the know about their daughter, your step-daughter, and if you’re going to stay with him, you may as well get used to her being around. It’ll save you a lot of grief.I agree with Mike: voice your concerns to the hubby, and see if there’s a middle ground the two of you can find. Good luck.

#4

You can’t compare the relationship you have with your ex husband to the relationship your husband has with his ex. Two totally different marriages, two totally different people. They chose after their divorce, and before you came along, how they would co parent - and you knew how it was before you married him. You can’t force him to change his ways just because you are now his wife. If it was such a problem for you, then it is something you should have addressed before you said I do. If he didn’t like hearing from her so often, he’d be the ne who would be saying and doing something about it - he is apparently just as invested in the little things his daughter does as she is - and that is NOT a bad thing, If she withheld information from your husband, you’d be on here complaining about that. It’s lose/lose for her because the issue you are having is purely personal opinion on your part. She isn’t doing anything wrong. You can’t make other people act the way you would, or want them to, in a situation…that’s hinting of being a controlling person - and not a good foundation to a marriage. You can tell him it makes you uncomfortable, but your feelings are your own to deal with, he doesn’t HAVE to cut back on communicating with the mother of his child, if what she is doing isn’t bothering HIM. It is THEIR relationship - and will only benefit the child in the long run.

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#5

Hi Motowaves! Your husbands primary responsibilities are to you, his daughter, and yours (to which ever degree works for your family). It sounds like his wife is still trying to keep an attachment to him through your stepdaughter.

Boundaries are important. It seems she’s crossing them and your husband feels uncomfortable rocking the boat so he just goes along with it. Pretty common. If he stops indulging her, she becomes high conflict. Tough situation you could not have anticipated when you chose to marry him and parent his daughter with him. If it bothers you, it’s too much. That’s it. You have a voice, a very important one:). It’s his job to respect your boundaries and work with you to establish them. If his ex wife is uncomfortable, that is her problem.

Some women move on after a divorce and truly respect their ex husbands choices when it’s time to move on, others do not accept the finality of divorce. This is up to him to make clear to her, and not use your stepdaughter to keep the attachment strong.

Download the June issue of Stepmom magazine…is the Father’s Day edition and I highly recommend it.

Do not apologize for having boundaries and expecting your honey to respect them;).

As both a stepdaughter and a stepmother, I can assure you your stepdaughter will also appreciate all you can do to clear the muddy waters with her mom as she grows up, and everything you and your husband do to keep your marriage strong.

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#6

Hello,
i am in a similar situation with regards to all the calls and text messages from the ex-wife. My Boyfriend has a 7 year old and my daughter is 16. He also has an 18 year old from his first marriage. While i love the fact he is a great father and has a “decent” relationship with his 2nd ex, the woman calls and texts him more than me!
My ex is completely out of the picture. His ex wife makes a cool 200,000 a year. She will still call and text for a 12 dollar item she has purchased and wants half from my boyfriend. She will text at 9:30 pm on a Saturday night when we are out and ask “so whats up? how are things?” I was angry once as we were at a party and she called and I could be heard saying “what the F*** does she want?” because i was sitting on his lap when he answered the phone.
I felt bad only because of the backlash he would have to endure. She will call and get upset if he leaves a toothbrush behind, a pair of shoes, or sweater and demand he bring it to her. I need advice too as i think she still loves him or is determined to break us up. In speaking with her friends, they are very nice, i mentioned about the large amount of texts and calls, im sure it got back to her as the texts have decreased.
I am close to going to her work and confronting her. Has anyone done this? How has it turned out? I just want to know what she is thinking, also to stop demanding my boyfriend, who works 12 hours a day, to drive to her house, (once was his as he bought and paid for it) and drop off a sweater he didn’t put in his daughters bag.

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#7

Just a quick question. Why did you married a man with a very young child that was previously married. The child was barely 1 when you married and got together? Did you and him cheat together? Has he moved on from her? To me it seems like you married him a little too fast. Please don’t take offense.

#8

you just jealous or maybe your husband left you for another woman. Right?

#9

I didn’t mean to offend you. But to point how your relationship started. You dated, got engaged, plan a wedding, with a man that just left his (ex)wife with their brand new child. You have a young child also and you are newly divorce. I hope that you are able to work it out, but you and your husabnd didnt start fresh. A divorce takes at least a year to do and this is his 1st child. I could understand if she was a one night stand or break baby. But he was married to her. If you and him cheated thats in the past. How did you and your husband develop your relationship to feel that marriage is the best plan in under a year with two failed marriages and young kids?

Sound like your husband left his ex wife for you. And it’s not going as planned…because she is still in the way?

Try to get some counseling and save your marriage. And understand that she’s always going to be around because she is his first (ex) wife with his first child, but you are his WIFE and stand and be proud in that.

To me your main issue is with your husband’s character and your personal guilt. You got to get pass that for your marriage, because more problems with come on both ends. You and him have to tackle this TOGETHER because you and your husband are life partners.

You can do it!!

#10

Ma11…leave her alone. how do you know if they cheated or not. I am sure your husband left you for another woman right? To me its looks like you are bitter and you are taken it out on her. Just leave her alone. Period.

#11

True. Lizzylooh.

#12

Why would I be bitter or mad? Or even jealous? I hope her marriage survives and wish nothing but the best. To me her issue is not that pressing. Her stepdaughter is very young, she’s only two years old and the parents are going to talk. To me she has an issue with her husband’s character and I personally don’t think she fully trust him. She and Him have to work together in order for this marriage to work. Marriage takes works. RIGHT?? I never said they cheated (maybe?), they moved very fast into this marriage in MY opinion. The foundation before the marriage is very important to its survival. Anyone will tell you that.

And I asked those questions to her not to offend her but to see how they were able to set up the foundation of their marriage and tell her to work their and not on the exwife.