Need help dealing with husbands ex wife

[motowaves721]

I have a 4 year old daughter and have been divorced before and now am a stepmother of a 2 year old daughter. I have felt uneasy for quite a while about the way my husbands ex wife acts towards him. She calls or texts him on a daily basis even when their daughter is not with us. He sometimes tells me what the call text was about and it is usually nothing important. I feel like she just wants to stay in his life and make her presence known all the time.

We both work a lot so I don't even know how much she calls or texts when we aren't together other than the times he tells me. She texts random things like your daughter just did the funniest thing... or someone just called your daughter a daredevil. She takes after you!

Am I being paranoid? I have voiced my concerns to my husband and he says it's just the way she is. I'm not sure if he encourages it by engaging in a full conversation or why she always has to be there every single day. They have a civil relationship where they keep each other informed of their daughter and when he drops her off he gives her a full detailed report of his time with her.

I feel the excessive communication has put tension on our relationship. Any suggestions as to how to describe the way I feel without him thinking I want all contact cut off? My ex and I have a civil relationship too where we can talk about our daughter but not anywhere as near much as they do.

[mike1493]

In co-parenting class, we are told to encourage a full relationship between our children and the other parent. Your step-daughter is 2 years old, so she's not going to be able to tell daddy about her day. Later on, a daily phone call from his daughter is absolutely to be encouraged. Meanwhile her mother is providing the info.From her perspective, her daughter's father has recently remarried, and now spends more time with his step-daughter than with his own daughter. (Correct?) She could simply be worried that he will forget about his daughter now that he has you and your daughter.I don't know what caused their divorce, or what makes you think your husband would want to go back to his ex-wife. But if you have a problem, it is not with her but with him. The question isn't why does she call? The question is Do you trust your husband?You feel jealousy. Admit it. Own it. Paint it green. The tension in your marriage is because you feel jealousy and you don't know whether it is justified or acceptable. So you try to act like you aren't jealous. And he has probably stopped telling you about every text and call, because he knows you aren't comfortable.You say you've voiced your concerns. You probably put it in terms of her motivation. Instead you need to tell him honestly how it makes you feel. And then ask him what he is willing to do to make you feel more secure.

[treblemaker]

Ditto what Mike said.I have a hard time with this as well, because I am a jealous person by nature, and while I understand that he might have to keep the line of communication open with his ex, I would not be comfortable with it and I would take it personally. I know that sounds awful, but I know myself well enough that I can openly admit that. I'm not ready to deal with it yet, so I avoid it until I know that I can. When you start dating/get married to someone who has children, you will more than likely have to deal with their ex(s) (hopefully not more than one ex haha). When you are around her, do you get the feeling that she makes a pass at him? That's an issue entirely separate from this one that would need to be addressed. But right now, it sounds as if she's doing her best to keep him in the know about their daughter, your step-daughter, and if you're going to stay with him, you may as well get used to her being around. It'll save you a lot of grief.I agree with Mike: voice your concerns to the hubby, and see if there's a middle ground the two of you can find. Good luck.

[spaznskitz]

You can't compare the relationship you have with your ex husband to the relationship your husband has with his ex. Two totally different marriages, two totally different people. They chose after their divorce, and before you came along, how they would co parent - and you knew how it was before you married him. You can't force him to change his ways just because you are now his wife. If it was such a problem for you, then it is something you should have addressed before you said I do. If he didn't like hearing from her so often, he'd be the ne who would be saying and doing something about it - he is apparently just as invested in the little things his daughter does as she is - and that is NOT a bad thing, If she withheld information from your husband, you'd be on here complaining about that. It's lose/lose for her because the issue you are having is purely personal opinion on your part. She isn't doing anything wrong. You can't make other people act the way you would, or want them to, in a situation...that's hinting of being a controlling person - and not a good foundation to a marriage. You can tell him it makes you uncomfortable, but your feelings are your own to deal with, he doesn't HAVE to cut back on communicating with the mother of his child, if what she is doing isn't bothering HIM. It is THEIR relationship - and will only benefit the child in the long run.

[Lizzylooh]

Hi Motowaves! Your husbands primary responsibilities are to you, his daughter, and yours (to which ever degree works for your family). It sounds like his wife is still trying to keep an attachment to him through your stepdaughter.

Boundaries are important. It seems she's crossing them and your husband feels uncomfortable rocking the boat so he just goes along with it. Pretty common. If he stops indulging her, she becomes high conflict. Tough situation you could not have anticipated when you chose to marry him and parent his daughter with him. If it bothers you, it's too much. That's it. You have a voice, a very important one:). It's his job to respect your boundaries and work with you to establish them. If his ex wife is uncomfortable, that is her problem.

Some women move on after a divorce and truly respect their ex husbands choices when it's time to move on, others do not accept the finality of divorce. This is up to him to make clear to her, and not use your stepdaughter to keep the attachment strong.

Download the June issue of Stepmom magazine...is the Father's Day edition and I highly recommend it.

Do not apologize for having boundaries and expecting your honey to respect them;).

As both a stepdaughter and a stepmother, I can assure you your stepdaughter will also appreciate all you can do to clear the muddy waters with her mom as she grows up, and everything you and your husband do to keep your marriage strong.