Nearly 50 and separating, scared to go it alone

I have been with my husband for 20 years, we have 2 children aged 14 and 17. He became withdrawn and told me it was stress related at work, started staying over at work, working weekends, networking. Then announces he wants to leave me. He says no one else is involved, but I don’t believe that. Whilst I have been very upset, having to pretend to the kids and my family (we’ve not told them yet) I am terrified that at almost 50 years old I will be left ‘on the shelf’ I worry about the future, if i get sick or can’t pay the bills. I hate the thought of dying alone with no one to love me :cry:

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You aren’t alone and life isn’t over. I’m 52 and taking a break from dating with plans to resume when my son goes back to school. It’s definitely different than when we dated years ago but I haven’t given up on finding the right one. You’ll be fine, just take a day at a time and discover who you are without the ex. We intertwine with our partners so much that we forget we are able to go it alone. Be patient with yourself. Peace!

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Ric
you are right
We do intertwined with our mate.
That sometimes we can’t imagine life without them.
And you know why they consume us
THEIR life become our life.
I want to keep my identify if love come knocking on my door again.

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Macey1967, it’s not easy, I’m 55yo, married for 24yrs. So last weekend , July 10, my husband dropped the words “i’m not happy”…BS! He said he should have divorce me 13yrs ago when I said “i wish he die” during a heated argument. He only stayed because of our daughter (now 20yo). I know it’s an awful thing to say and I wish I can take it back. I did apologized when he got back from his trip but he claimed I didn’t …That was his reason for living, he resented me for 13yrs and that is his reason for being unhappy and not “in love” anymore. I’ve been selfless during our marriage, I hold a full-time job but I’m able to maintain a tidy home, cooking, do all the domestic chores, cut the grass, stained the deck and fix things around the house. He didn’t do much except go to work, gym and golf. I’m not scared about the divorce, but the idea of being alone and no one to talk is the scary part. My family doesn’t know what I’m going through. I have two friends but too embarrass to talk about my situation. I found a support group last night called divorcecare so I will try to attend this group next week. If you need someone to talk to, I’m here. Perhaps we can be a sounding board for each other. Take care, MM

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You have us all, Tori. We are your sounding board, your pillow you hit and the shoulder to cry on. There is strength within us all and when we share, we bolster our strength! Together we will all make it through the hell that we face.

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million thanks, Ric. I know I will be a total wreck when my daughter goes back to college next month. she will be 4hrs away from me. she’s been my strength this past week. I’m glad I have this group to vent. I may have failed as a wife but I hope not as a mother.

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Thank you for your kind words, I’m just a total wreck at the moment, smiles on the outside, ripped apart on the inside

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Macey, take into consideration all the good things that you have in your life. Feel the gratitude for those things and believe in the future you that will have evolved through all the darkness that this time brings. I’m living proof you can make it through! I have new challenges and hurdles but with a different attitude. I no longer react to things, I respond. I don’t let the darkness grab me anymore because it’s like quicksand trying to swallow you whole. You can’t do anything and you can’t move forward. It takes believing in yourself and your strengths to get through. And it takes knowing what you can change and what you can’t change, letting go of the latter. No one but YOU shapes or controls YOU! We are here for you!

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thank YOU, Ric! I needed words of encouragement today! I had one of those self-pity day.:slight_smile:

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I’ve been there also…
I KNOW it’s hard to see what is next…

THE BEST ADVICE I was given are these…
1-the things/stuff you both accumulated together are just that STUFF/THINGS. YOUR kids r the 2 things that matter ONLY.
Those are the only 2 things that will be there for you in 5 yrs.FOCUS on them.

2-take EACH day as it comes…PLAYING for what MAY happen will drive you crazy…YOU CAN"T plan like that.
I am a worry wort…and it killed me to think what if this or that happens…
well it did and I came thru it.

We ALL are here for you

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well my intuition was right. I went to a friends for the weekend and before I left, hid a sound recording device. Sure enough he confided to his mother that he is seeing someone else, but doesn’t want me to be hurt. what hurt more was his mother saying how much she hated me and wish he’d never married me. i have asked him is there anyone else and he swore there wasn’t. Now what do I do, he’s lying to me which is driving me insane as I can’t confront him without flying into a rage !

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contact a women’s shelter in your area.
contact the police maybe they can help…it’s in their own interest to be pro-active instead of reactive.

Do not divulge that you recorded anything. Look up the laws in your state, I’m pretty sure they were broken.

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Never react… respond only. If it takes minutes, hours or days, get to the place of response. We are betrayed and with that comes an urge to hurt them back. By responding it can only take them off guard . To react gives them justification for their transgressions.

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Tori-1955, the idea of been alone kills me also. After reading what you just wrote…i believe you are a strong woman and no one can push you around. How about a good conversation with a friend like me, someone that has gone through a hard divorce and his scared of growing old alone. Someone looking for love and someone to grow old with.

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Hi, had " the bomb" dropped on me after 17 years of marriage. The whole I love you, but I’m not IN love with you routine. No warning no bad relationship. Would love to talk

Hello and thank you for your message. I took my children on holiday and then mailed him a letter with the dialogue that I’d heard on the tape. No response…

Came home a week later and he had moved out. I then emailed his new GF to say I knew of their affair, and pointed out that he scored a 1/10 in bed, and also emailed his HR dept saying he was having an affair with a junior (he’s a partner in a law firm) hey ho, the police turn up to say my husband had filed a complaint for harassment. So there I was crying in front of the officer, having to explain to my kids that their dad had called the police, whilst omitting that he is having an affair. What a mess. Then he’s phoning me begging me not to tell the kids of his affair. Fair enough, I have not. He’s making out that we can be friends and that he’s not having an affair, although they do email, text and call each other, and spend time together… he’s nuts. Don’t trust him as far as I can throw him. My plan now is not not sight any divorce papers, he wants a quickie, in the UK I am within my rights not to agree for 5 years, during which time, I will rebuild my life and also have the benefits of a decent financial outcome. So I smile when he visits the kids, and let him think that Im as stupid as he thinks I am :slight_smile:

As the days go by, I feel stronger. He’s deluded and thinks his new younger woman is the answer to his prayers. Yes she’ll have the best 60 seconds in the sack … and thats me increasing by 50% :slight_smile: Ive not told him that Im not agreeing to a divorce for the next 5 years, he thinks we can divorce pretty quickly. In the meantime I will file for a decent financial separation and build a new life with my children. How are you doing?

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