My wife of 17 years totally blind sided me. And I'm emotionally devastated

My wife and I married 17 years ago and have twin boys. They are almost 16 and ready to drive. 7 weeks ago, my wife and I had an argument regarding where I thought our lives should be at age 50. She’s 47, Im 50. She became angry as she felt I wasnt appreciative of everything we have currently. Great jobs, a decent house, decent cars, etc. But I always had a dream to be able to build a custom home for the family. Ive built so many homes for other people as the years have passed, and I thought it was our time. I always wanted to do it for her, a bigger kitchen, one that would function better than the one we currently own. She had left for her friends that evening, she needed a break from my “complaining”. A few days later, she returned and talked. She said I make her question whether she should stay or leave. After a long conversation about my changing my ways, and clearing much of the air. Things went back to what I thought to be normal, and that we were working on us. We spent that weekend a quaint little town in the napa region, as a family. 2 sons, and my wife holding my arm and hands as we strolled though town, eating, shopping, etc.

That Tuesday, as evening approached. She was sitting on her side of the bed, and I sat at the edge of the bed. I thought we were going to have a random catch up conversation. And thats when she announced, that her intent was to leave. From that moment on, we went from holding hands on a Sunday, not talking to one another by Wednesday. And with her closing herself off to any of my wanting to talk with her, my notes, my letters, etc. She just shut down. It was hell, a hell and pain that I would not wish upon my worst enemy. Desperation, heartbreak, anger, confusion, sadness, abandonment, and every memory, every future memory, all wiped out in the matter of one day.

Since then, I’ve had to endure a pain that is deeper than anything I have ever felt. Will the pain and hurt subside? And how do you quickly let go of someone that you are so very in love with? As she explained to me, she no longer is in love with me, and she feels as though we are just friends. And therefore, she’s done. No infidelities, no abuse, I thought we were doing great? So how does this happen to good people?

I’m so sorry you have to go through such pain. It really does feel devastating in that moment. I don’t know you or your wife and there is no way to tell from you description but if I had to guess… She’s probably been harboring thoughts like this for longer than you think. For her it likely is not out of the blue.

Most of us at some point have felt the kind of pain you are feeling. Not much helps except time. You’ll have to go through the stages of grief and hopefully come out the other side in a better place. You can’t force anyone to love you but you can start taking care of yourself. If you are afraid you will harm yourself or others than try and get a therapist to help you work through the anger. If you’ve separated put away pictures and anything that can trigger your emotion. Try not to destroy those items just put them in the attic or a box. One day you’ll be able to look at those things with your kids and they won’t cause you the pain you feel now. Hard to believe but it is true.

On a practical note, if you are faced with the prospect of divorce start documenting your belongings with pictures, research the divorce process for your state, and just mentally prepare yourself for that possibility. Make sure you do what you have to and stay grounded. Don’t say or do anything in anger. You’ll be feeling very angry in the months to come.

I have been married for 20 years 5 kids, my husband asked me for a divorce -although it seemed out of the blue, we had not been into each other the way I always wanted to be with my husband. I knew he wasn’t into me anymore and i just thought life just plays out that way then --bam–he is moving on and i am wondering what the hell happened–what could i have done differently. I am angry , lonely and sad–I know you are also feeling these things. You are not alone. People hurt people all the time. Be strong for yourself, that is what I am trying to do. Good luck to both of us!

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I had the same thing happen to me… BAM! Out of the blue, he just announced our 17 year marriage was over… Of course he gave me a week to wonder why before he explained himself, and it was such a shock that I couldn’t eat, sleep or anything… I was numb. It has only been 1 month and I still feel dead and so sad and drpressed, and physically ill all the time. The next day he wanted to start dividing the bank accounts. I believe ours is over religion. We have had such a rocky time and arguments over our differing views, religions, money and time spent on his religion. I was very angry and did not pull any punches… So I could have been kinder, less angry, etc… but in the end, it still was unhealthy, as it had affected our marriage to the degree that we were drifting apart quickly. He said we could have a separation to see if things would “work out”. But what he meant was not counseling, but me converting to his religion. (which I wouldn’t do as it is a cult!) He also isn’t a communicator, which accounts for my not knowing anything… I guess there are some people who do not see problems as opportunities, or who do not see marriage as truly “until death do we part”… So, I am trying to surround myself with all manner of positive people and get connected to divorce recovery and church activities, grandchildren, etc… as well as take better care of my health… I am 62 so I wonder if life will provide another opportunity. You know the chances of marriage ending are u p to 75% for those married and divorced multiple times… I need financial advice now for free as our settlement appointment for an uncontested divorce is coming up soon! Any ideas on that front? Thanks!