i see by the timestamp of your message you wrote that on mar 22 -- that was 2 days before my own d-day ('d' for discovery, not divorce).
the reason i write is that your accounting is nearly parallel to my own. i thought i'd offer what i've encountered with my experience to see if it either helps you (or anyone else out there), and maybe we can compare notes as we go along as to what works vs what doesn't.
my wife is 49, i'm 52. married 11 years, together 12, with 2 sons. i lost a job over 3 years ago that caused considerable stress, financial and otherwise. i also did not assume my fair share of household responsibilities, did not "listen" to her about certain things/requests/etc, was not as attentive as i could have been, and so on. sound familiar?
i have heard stories where men have attempted to correct every area where they've been deficient, only to find that, no matter what they did or how much they tried to please their spouse, it wasn't enough.
i am here to tell you: start pleasing yourself.
why? because women hate to feel like their men need them to make them happy. they run the moment they sense a man is needy, overly emotional, overly sensitive, and so on. i have seen this first hand; while i have always been somewhat secure and confident, the revelation of my wife's affair with a family friend absolutely rocked my world. my initial reactions, of course, were completely warranted (and anyone who cannot understand can go eff off). over time, though, as the rawness of this discovery dulled somewhat ("somewhat" being a relative term), i continued to act in what might be considered needy or clingy ways, always trying to please her, always putting her first. it's no wonder i would continue to heart this mantra of "i need my spaced" over and over.
and so, after reading up on affairs and marriage crises and so forth -- and after talking with my brother and certain friends -- i began to notice a trend. all of these sources were saying, "look after yourself first, and change the only thing you can change which is yourself". i've started doing that, and it's already paid dividends. give you an example: my wife went back east to visit family recently. before she left, i had mentioned a book i thought she would read that would put alot of this affair business into perspective (dr. lee baucom's "recovering from the affair", which i highly recommend). i had not heard anything from her once she returned as to whether she had begun reading it (on her kindle) or not. and so, i followed a bit of advice i gleaned from dr. debra macleod, who has a great audio series specifically aimed at betrayed spouses and how they can restore the power balance of their relationship (google her for more info); i had given up ALOT of my power in my marriage, and it's time i got it back. maybe you feel the same way? anyway, i told her i was going to go out with friends on a friday night (maybe she thought/assumed i would just stay home with the family?). before i left the house, i left a post-it note with her which said "i have no intention of doing all the work. please read the book, and schedule an appt with a trusted couples counselor that specializes in infidelity".
when i got home later that evening, she asked me straight away "how was your night out, did you have a good time?". after chatting a moment i went into the kitchen. she followed me in, we made small talk for a minute, then she took my arm and said "i'm going to read that book, by the way, it's on my list".
i felt as if i had more more progress with that one simple note and act of independence (going out) than i had in months of long, amorous emails, conversations on how committed i am to her and the family, displays of affection, gifts, being "super dad", etc. it's as if someone had lit a fire under her backside.
the next morning, without going into much detail, we had a moment where i also took matters into my own hands and, again, i don't think she expected that.
so, here's where i see you in your relationship with your wife:
1) the "i love you, but i'm not IN love with you" is such a cliched line, and probably for good reason, owing to the fact that the act of feeling in love is just that, a feeling. it's based on the first phase of love we feel when we meet someone we fall for, infatuation. the infatuation stage produces so much dopamine that we literally feel "high", b/c we get much the sensation you would doing cocaine, etc. in a distorted society that bases love on what the masses see in movies and gossip magazines many, many people equate "love", or "romantic love", to this first phase. this phase is not sustainable; it is simply not possible to be in this doped up dopamine state for too long. the main purpose of infatuated love is to bond us together with our love interest, which then prepares us for agape, or unconditional, love. unfortunately, b/c so many people are fed this "infatuation" bull**** (and, in particular, women -- i feel women are most susceptible to this b/c they are told at a young age that true love equals Disney princesses and fairy tales), many people do not even make it to the agape stage. because, they have false expectations, and when those expectations are not met they become disappointed, which leads to depression, which leads to frustration, which leads to seeking that "infatuation" state elsewhere in the form of an affair or similar avoidance of the core (marriage) relationship.
so i would suggest, take your power back. that does not mean abuse your power, but it does mean think about changing the way you're doing things. go for a week without the back rubs, compliments, small gifts, and definitely avoid talking about "the relationship". see what happens. maybe she has expected you to kiss her when she comes home/you come home every evening? let that go for a week. stop jumping at opportunities to do things for her. that doesn't mean you have to be a jerk, or not be helpful (within reason) at all. just don't "offer" to do anything. lastly, try duplicating my example; go out with the guys one night, make a little show of it (let's say, that morning or the night before say "hey, i think i'm gonna go hang out with so-and-so tomorrow night if you don't mind"). then, maybe leave her a similar note, somewhere that will definitely find it while you're out. don't use words like "you should do this or that", use "I am" or "I'm not" statements. "i'm not happy with the way things are going. what can we do for our marriage to make it a happier one?" or "It's apparent that I'm doing most of the work here. that needs to end. i will leave it up to you to give me some ideas, which I'd like to hear about". or use my "intention" statement. give it a try. what have you got to lose?
i do know my wife likes the overall direction we've been headed lately (more time together as friends and rebuilding that part of our relationship, going to the beach, going dancing, beer festivals, more time with our boys, going to church regularly and working on our spiritual life together, etc), even though she is still not sure how she feels about us romantically. again, "romance" is a feeling, not an emotion. romance can flower back once the emotional connection returns, and that's a game of inches, not yards; you're not going to heal the emotional connection with a couple of "hail mary" passes, but by moving the ball forward a little every day. as soon as you and i can gently (sometimes not so gently) educate our spouses on what love really is, and that it's not something you should toss on the rubbish heap just because you no longer get that "hot and bothered" feeling when you're with our spouse, the sooner they will truly appreciate what they have: a love that is real and will not fade no matter what tragedy or crisis hits. they need to think not so much or what they've got to lose -- but what they've got to gain.
i wish you luck rebuilding your marriage. all the best! do the hard work, and show your spouse you expect them to do the same, another thing an author said that stuck with me: all marriages should have a "healthy fear" of the marriage falling apart. not to say that fear should be the one thing keeping you together, but you should be afraid of what you stand to lose, especially if you do have love and caring there at the core. you don't find that every day.