There are a couple of things that are making it hard to start the job hunt, which I already mentioned.
The big one is I have no recent references now. I've been at this job for 6+ years and my work quality has slipped partly due to this, partly due to boredom with my career path (which has been present in the last couple of jobs), and mostly due to being diagnosed with a mental health issue (which coincided with when her affair started) and the resulting four years of fun trying to get medications that let me keep some semblance of normalcy (with regard to me... clearly the rest of my life is anything but). So, even if everyone here is not involved, I do not have performance worth recommending. Making a complete career change or going back to school are options I'm considering (since both could give me even more space from this company and anyone they associate with).
The other thing is possible legal action from an employment law standpoint. That could - among other things - force several good recommendations to be issued as part of any settlement (or help fund going back to school) Going to the board would have an upside (if they did nothing or something punitive) from a legal standpoint, but I understand that there is a great potential for unexpected consequences (as there would be by going to the other affected spouses). I cannot do anything with regard to divorce settlements as I live in a no-fault state.
I fully understand that I am grinding myself down. I am trying to do more things for myself and get my mind off work when I am not there. While I have been somewhat successful at these, they are barely managing to keep me in a holding pattern. The three doctors/therapists I see are helping shore up some, and have helped me move past a lot of what I wrote earlier. I still want some more certainty (though I vacillate), and this is a particular sticking point that they are working very hard to get me past.
I was actually tested twice. The first time after I initially found out, though I was thinking I was fairly safe since I was only having protected sex with her (go figure). I did have unprotected (she knows how to manipulate me) based on what she said about her lover (and which I stupidly believed) and before I knew about the others. That was added humiliation since I had an additional physical check beyond the blood work. I should have picked up on the fact that she seemed like it never occurred to her that what she was doing might affect my health.
I have started looking for a new place to live, am slowly teasing apart our finances, and have completely detached from her (whoever she is). I'm stalling on going full bore as I want my kids to be informed of the divorce in person, and that won't be able to happen for another 6-7 weeks since they are in the midst of some great opportunities for them and I don't want this to come in the middle of it and taint that.
I have been journaling a bit, but in a ruminative way (though that has fallen off in the last month or so as I completely disengage). Your suggestion for making it constructive is a good one and I'll move more in that direction.
It has been 5 months since D-day (time flies even when you're not having fun, I guess). I have gotten to a fairly stable state with regard to feelings and have started to live more in the moment rather than in the past or in the what-could-have-been, so that is something.
