My name says it all

I suspected that my wife was having an affair with her boss for a couple of years. I finally had the opportunity to confirm that the affair is at least 5 years old and that they were having a lot of sex in his office and other places around their company… or should I say our company, since I work there, too.

Imagine finding out that they were having sex in his office not 10 yards away from me.

… and that he would come over to our house and use our bedroom while I was out.

… and that he is not the only one in the office (as well as outside, on business trips and the like) that my wife is sleeping with.

These people have more sex with her in a week than I have in 6 months as she’s always too tired for me.

It is very clear that she is emotionally (very) attached to her boss and that I’m not even registering. I’m not entirely sure he reciprocates. He may just like having his own private porn star and then be able to go home to a quiet family life.

I’m debating about whether to tell some of the betrayed spouses. At first I was in a more punitive frame of mind. Now, it is more to save them (if they want) from wasting more time. The last five years have been a total write-off from a marriage and job point of view (now I know why I haven’t been promoted and get all of the sh!t tasks).

Act as normal as possible
Find another job if you can so you don’t have to feel humiliated at work.
Have her served at work
Follow attorney’s advice

I’m trying to act normal, though I’m feeling detached and it is hard to muster fake pleasant feelings for her. She is acting like I never found out, continuing to sleep with at least 4 from the company. She and her boss are at a conference, so I expect she’ll be very tired when she gets back. I get a little sick when I text her and it takes her 10 minutes to reply with a five word response…

The problem with finding a new job is I’m not sure anyone here in the position to recommend isn’t also in some other positions with my wife. Someone who left a few years ago and said he would recommend me has not stayed in touch with me despite my attempts and also now appears to have been another of her trophies. Since my work performance is suffering even more than it had been (due to some of my medications), I definitely won’t get any referrals from the senior engineers; they view me as a stupid dinosaur.

The only thing that is keeping me from feeling overwhelmingly humiliated is that I know a lot more than they think I do. By playing Mr. Oblivious, they seem to have become more emboldened. My wife is getting sloppy with her lies and even their delivery. I guess I am currently looking at it as her needing 3 plus guys to replace me says something more about them than me. Her boss and I sort of avoid one another, but I nearly ran into him the other day as I was making a reminder. I stopped short, and he gave me this look of utter contempt… possibly because I’ve been making it more difficult for them to meet as regularly as they used to.

The 3 divorce attorneys I’ve talked to have all said that about all I have to work with is getting something more favorable during the property split, but even that would be a stretch in this no-fault state. I have heard from 2 of 4 employment lawyers who said that I should hang in if I can, since their firing me is actionable and could expose more than they want. The third lawyer wants to have a billable hour consult, but I’m waiting to see if the 4th lawyer agrees with the first two before shelling out large when he may only tell me that there is nothing I can do.

If I had her served at work, I’m not sure it would be an embarrassment as it seems like everybody here knows about it. I’m thinking of going to the board of directors (since if they did nothing, that would also be actionable), but I’m not sure I want to destroy her career (and she would get the brunt of it, I think, rather than the boys who will be boys). it is tempting, but I feel like I’m being cruel to both a complete stranger and to someone I loved deeply. Since I have been dealing with mental illness, there is a part of me that truly believes that there is something more going on here… clinical personality disorder… something. Thinking back, I can’t really recall the last time (if ever) that she was truly sad. Maybe when some of our pets died, but even then she seemed to get over it (or pack it away) pretty quickly. This all is part of why I’m going to therapy much more frequently than usual.

I’m not trying to rationalize anything here. Part of my (in)action is due to just the surrealness of it all. I’m definitely at the stage of wondering whether anything was ever close to what I considered reality, or if she just is to people what she thinks they expect of her. The kids will be finding out when they are finished with their school year; I am not sure if/how her sister/mother will find out (I have always been well-liked by both of them, so they are bound to ask one or both of us).

Start looking at you tube videos on narcissist / covert narcissist. My wife acted in this same manner and it drove me crazy trying to figure out why she was acting the way she was. I’m not diagnosing her but she checks most of the blocks with this disorder. I finally had enough and I’m filing for divorce, we are currently separated.

I could not agree more with the advice of finding another job. Get out of there. It is a toxic environment for you and you will never truly heal while there. Keep your head about you for your children as much as yourself. Don’t ponder what this person or that person will think or say. You will not care in the end. Right now you do because you are hurting and you are wanting to hurt back. But, please stop yourself from going to the board of directors and family etc because you are setting yourself up for additional problems. I am sure that the gossip mill at your job is just going crazy with all this however you should obsolete yourself from that also irregardless of the wrong done to you. Now, I will be the one to bring up something that no one else has really said. If your ex is out there having sex with every Tom, Dick, and Harry please have yourself checked and clear up any concern of diseases. Start a check list for yourself and a journal. Write your feelings in the journal, write what you need to get done to get away from her and have a better life on the checklist. Don’t look up if she is a sex addict or a narcissist or any of that because that isn’t going to help you move on from where you are at right now. She doesn’t need an excuse for her actions because they are inexcusable, it won’t help you any to have her labeled either. If you haven’t moved yet, start the search. Revamp your resume and I can almost assure you that you will find a much better job. Make a decision on the attorney that will best represent you. Start looking into community divorce groups and or therapy if you need to get your feelings heard…but for everyone else have radio silence. Work on a happier healthier you and you will come out of this so much wiser and stronger than you ever thought you would be. I know it is hard for you to think about right now…but, one day you will see that she does not deserve your love and you deserve so much more than she could ever give you.

There are a couple of things that are making it hard to start the job hunt, which I already mentioned.

The big one is I have no recent references now. I’ve been at this job for 6+ years and my work quality has slipped partly due to this, partly due to boredom with my career path (which has been present in the last couple of jobs), and mostly due to being diagnosed with a mental health issue (which coincided with when her affair started) and the resulting four years of fun trying to get medications that let me keep some semblance of normalcy (with regard to me… clearly the rest of my life is anything but). So, even if everyone here is not involved, I do not have performance worth recommending. Making a complete career change or going back to school are options I’m considering (since both could give me even more space from this company and anyone they associate with).

The other thing is possible legal action from an employment law standpoint. That could - among other things - force several good recommendations to be issued as part of any settlement (or help fund going back to school) Going to the board would have an upside (if they did nothing or something punitive) from a legal standpoint, but I understand that there is a great potential for unexpected consequences (as there would be by going to the other affected spouses). I cannot do anything with regard to divorce settlements as I live in a no-fault state.

I fully understand that I am grinding myself down. I am trying to do more things for myself and get my mind off work when I am not there. While I have been somewhat successful at these, they are barely managing to keep me in a holding pattern. The three doctors/therapists I see are helping shore up some, and have helped me move past a lot of what I wrote earlier. I still want some more certainty (though I vacillate), and this is a particular sticking point that they are working very hard to get me past.

I was actually tested twice. The first time after I initially found out, though I was thinking I was fairly safe since I was only having protected sex with her (go figure). I did have unprotected (she knows how to manipulate me) based on what she said about her lover (and which I stupidly believed) and before I knew about the others. That was added humiliation since I had an additional physical check beyond the blood work. I should have picked up on the fact that she seemed like it never occurred to her that what she was doing might affect my health.

I have started looking for a new place to live, am slowly teasing apart our finances, and have completely detached from her (whoever she is). I’m stalling on going full bore as I want my kids to be informed of the divorce in person, and that won’t be able to happen for another 6-7 weeks since they are in the midst of some great opportunities for them and I don’t want this to come in the middle of it and taint that.

I have been journaling a bit, but in a ruminative way (though that has fallen off in the last month or so as I completely disengage). Your suggestion for making it constructive is a good one and I’ll move more in that direction.

It has been 5 months since D-day (time flies even when you’re not having fun, I guess). I have gotten to a fairly stable state with regard to feelings and have started to live more in the moment rather than in the past or in the what-could-have-been, so that is something.