My husband died before I found out he cheated on me

[warlo]

A month after he died, I found 3 passionate cards and a little girl picture of his mistress. They were having an affair since 2003 or maybe even earlier and this continued until his death two months ago. I hacked his Email account and found very hurtful emails in which he constantly reiterated that he loved and missed her.

This was an emotional and sexual affair. Funny thing though, I discovered other women with whom he was having physical affairs, almost at the same time as this emotional one. My question is, if he had other affairs, does this mean he did not love this mistress who had him by the neck, emotionally?

He did not leave me nor show me he did not really love me (that is why I never suspected anything) but he was sexually distant to me even before 2003. Does this mean he loved me above all of them? If I just know he did, it would be more bearable.

[carolwills]

Unfortunately, the only one who will ever know how your husband truly felt about you is your husband. There are some who would say that your husband didn't want to hurt you, so he hid everything from you. I'm of the mindset that if he didn't want to hurt you, he wouldn't have strayed in the first place. When we truly love someone, we do everything in our power not to hurt that person. He didn't just have one affair, he had several; his actions were very selish, for sure.It's really unfair that you've been left to deal with the aftermath of your husbands hurtful actions. I'm truly sorry, and know that there are no words of consolation that will remove that pain. But I also believe that we shouldn't judge ourselve by how well we are loved by others, but by how well WE love others, and it sounds like you loved your husband deeply.Peace and prayers.

[iam]

The only one your husband loved was himself. Sorry to burst your bubble, but he didn't care for any of you. Oh, the emails were steamy, but he loved the excitement and thrill of doing something illicit. It wouldn't have mattered who was screwing, he would still have gotten a kick out of it. My definition of love doesn't include fucking other women and stealing time, energy, money, emotion, and other resources from a marriage. I say this because my ex cheated on me, too. I'm sorry you had to find out the way you did. HOWEVER, you are worth the love of a real man, one who will be faithful to you. Yes, you are worth that and deserve that. The fact that he was not able to love shows that there was something wrong with him. There was nothing wrong with you.

[worried2tears]

Warlo: I am sorry that you had to be the victim of a cheater. And as Spaz said, you are more than welcome here. It's OK to be angry. You SHOULD be angry at him. What he did was cruel and vicious, while he got to go and do whatever he wanted, lying to you, cheating on you, and do you really think he ever gave a damn about what it would mean if you found out? Nope. Other than he might POSSIBLY have considered the monetary issue. Hang in there..............Zen Hugs

[Afterthought]

Warlo, I'm sort of in the same situation, except I learned of my husband's affair while he was still alive; however, he didn't do his part to assure me that he loved me enough not to have other affairs. After he died just three months ago, a woman that we both knew told me that he came to her house to spend time but he never tried anything. What she didn't know is that he was the type to wait for the woman to be the aggressor. In fact, he always told me that I was the only person he ever asked out. Prior to our relationship, he only dated women who asked him out because he was too shy. Well, this woman said that he had come over to have a drink and smoke some pot. He asked her not to tell me about his visits. I wondered why she seemed to be grieving as hard as I was and even told me that she loved him. I didn't know in what way she loved him, but it didn't sound right. Then I recalled other women calling and pretending to want to do business with him, one particular one that said that she and he were very good friends. He lied about her also. I'm still grieving the loss of my husband of 27 years, and I took care of him until his last breath. I'm left thinking that I threw away 27 years of my life on a man who I thought loved me. Now, I'm not so certain, which adds another layer to my grieving process. It's something that isn't discussed in bereavement groups. I wish your soul peace and harmony as you travel this journey. It's not an easy one.

[p1955]

I agree with you. I was that type of husband..2x.

[Chris26]

I feel your pain as a child to my father. My Dad was cheated on and lied to by my stepmother. It's been 4 yrs. The horrible part was my Dad was dieing from stage 4 cancer. The hospital mistreated him with there policy to move patients through as fast as they can. Then hospice caretaker seemed to be counting down the days. When she thought his time was up she gave my less than a week. Stupid as humans are he lived another 2 months. Towards last day or two she then worried about here soul going to heaven.

The process seemed driven by jealousy.

[Italiaicemaiden]

If anyone knows your pain, it is me. My husband died while having sex with his mistress, I can't grieve for him as I genuinely believe I didn't know him. He treated me like absolute ■■■■ through most of the relationship to the point I walk a round with my head down in utter shame, disbelief and embarrassment, I don't think about whether he loved me anymore I just think about how much I hate him. It's horrible what he has put me through, I sit back every day and ask myself why I stayed and gave him my best years, but the truth is I didn't realise he was doing most of the things he was until after he passed away, when I cry it's not because I miss him but at how stupid I was and how much I loved him. I wish away that part of my life and tend not to think or speak of him, but he gave me 3 amazing children, children that he didn't deserve, don't get me wrong he loved his children but not enough to keep a happy and stable home for them, it wasn't that women were his weakness it was the fact they made he feel like somebody he wasn't and now I'm looking for my true prince! He paid the ultimate prices and destroyed my life.

[Rosienyc]

I am going through this right now and it is so painful. I am so hurt. He died of cancer after a long18 months of grieving his impending death,surgeries, medical appointments and the final 6 horrific hours it took him to die. He as was unresponsive and making this horrific sounds while I was there holding his hands, striking his head, telling hom how much I loved him, making sure he had a good transition. He had beautiful funeral and memorial and I wrote a.very loving obituary. A week and a half ago I logged intp this laptop that he knew either I or the kids were gonna use only to find out enough clues. I am beyond heartbroken. I am so hurt, feel like the biggest fool and just want to erase his memories from my mind as every time I think of him it hurts so much. I am trying to keep it together for.the kids but the anger, the hurt, the resentment, not being able to confront him is kiling me. I did not know there could be.hurt like this
I loved him, I trusted him, i was loyal and he betrayed me.

[SGM]

I found out on a Sunday my husband was cheating and he died on Friday. I found over 300 text messages he said he had met someone . She works at a strip club he is 44 years older than her . I said I wanted a divorce and started to pack I couldn't quit crying I couldn't believe he would do this to us. I told his she was just using him for money . He had a massive heart attack . I feel like my world was nothing but lies and deceit. I loved him and trusted him, I'm having a hard time dealing with everything I have found out. He has been gone 6 months.

[p1955]

So he passed 6mos. ago is that correct?

Have you been talking with a therapist?

[bonbon]

I am wondering if you have healed. It is so hard to have loved someone and find out after they have died that they were unfaithful.

[J.Aultman]

I only wish mine had died, I was sent photos of his wife and three kids in the philippens. he sent over 300k to her emptied all my accounts and moved out after he retired from the navy in 2013. he was flying over there every three months. when he got caught he suddenly changed his mind and only wanted me and that she was an addiction.

2001 he dragged me to abort our twins because he did not want to be a father.. it was because he already had kids with this skank

[GoldDust]

I am also with most of the rest of you here . My husband died in January . Sudden . He choked to death officially but had a fatal "in a while" genetic heart condition that had not made itself known but was already past mild and well into the moderate stages . I have been insane with grief for 6 months now . Until I got an anonymous message from a fake FB account . The instructions from whoever it was told me to look up his same email address with gmail at the end instead of his regular one . We were married 10 years . He was 53 I am 55 and never let myself go and we were always VERY affectionate with each other . We, I thought, adored each other .
My grief came to a grinding halt when I did check this out and found several years worth of him shopping for Russian brides , how to assimilate to life in Russia if you are an American male . TONS of disturbing crazy wild Russian conspiracy videos . His mom belongs to a way out religious cult ( no other way to describe that) and there was a young married Russian chick he never told me about but his mom wasted no time telling me how close they were ??? I am thinking since she is married with 5 kids that he decided to find one similar to her . At this point I think he can lay alone where he is with his mom or whoever and I am going somewhere else . I just want away . I don't even want my ashes near him . He was a beautiful man an ex pro skier, and it mystifies me that he would resort to a bridal ( not dating sites) site if he just didn't like me anymore. I don't feel anything but mass confusion and total stupidity on my part . Terrible.

[bonbon]

The feeling of betrayal is horrible believe me I understand. Feel free to contact me

[Chlandrum]

My dead ■■■■■■■ fiance, I found out about 2 weeks before he died, and after there were more. I got in contact with one of the girls and should told me he said he said was with me because he had no where else to go. I supported him for years. I'm still messed up about it .

[GinaS]

Dear Rosienyc - I totally feel your pain and hurt. My husband, who I loved so much, recently died. He was buried in the most beautiful ceremony surrounded by so much love. Then I found an account for an adult website offering webcam sex - he had spent thousands on there over the past year. Also on his phone I found evidence of his cheating while on a recent business trip. My pain at discovering this when I was mourning the man I loved, and the man who made me think he loved me in return was just terrible. I am so hurt and angry and often times curse him and say out loud I am glad he is dead (even though that's not really true). But I would have left him had I found this out before he died. It would have been painful and difficult, but nothing like this agony of discovering such betrayal within days of his death.

[Rosienyc]

Hi Gina,
I am so, so deeply sorry for what you are going through. What has happened to you is one of the most unimaginable acts of betrayal and it surely hurts like heck right now. Nobody can truly understand what something like this does to a person unless you have experienced yourself. These are going to be one of the darkest days you will ever experience and I know this is the last thing you want to hear now but you will get through it, and you will come out stronger. 1. Take care of yourself: he doesn't deserve your suffering so maybe not right now but later on, show the SOB what he had and he can't have any more because he is dead. Get a makeover, go shopping. Make yourself look as good as ever. 2. Exercise: when I felt the pain and hurt coming, I would get a good sweat going. Kickboxing is great for anger. 3. Music:make yourself a "Women's Empowerment" play list to remind you you will get thru it. Music along the lines of "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkston. 4. Find projects geared towards the next chapter of your life: renovate the bedroom or move to another room, if you can. Buy yourself a new bed,new bedding, new lamps. Make that new room your own sanctuary. 5. Therapy and Meditation: yep, you are going to need somebody to talk to at least once a week, preferable a woman. 6. Do not feel an ounce of guilt for what you are feeling now and will feel in the future. Your husband did a very bad thing and his memory will be tainted forever. You have the right to be angry and hurt. Do not let his family tell you "he was a good man " and make you feel guilty about your anger because he wasn't as good people do not shitty stuff like that. Continue yelling and screaming at him. 6. A pet, if you can: taking care of my dog kept me distracted and got me out walking.
Hang in there, Gina. It has been almost 18 months since that fateful day for me, and the pain is almost gone but the anger is still there and will probably be there forever, though but not at the same degree. (It is more of anger at myself for having wasted my time with my dead sperm-donor). I truly do not know how I survived it but we women are strong and we do survive. Find your inner goddess, your inner strength, your inner self-worth, something nobody no matter what will ever take away from you because at the end of the day, he cheated on you, with sorry to say, garbage, like mine did so that said more about him than about your as this kind of cheating is not about you but about how low his self-esteem was and how, deep inside, he knew he did not deserved anything better than what those garbage women offered them. They feel like garbage about themselves so they gravitate towards worse garbage so they can feel better about themselves. I know it is hard now but Chin Up, girl. Trust your inner strength and look forward to the next chapter of your life.
Hugs,
Rosie

[LovelyLisa]

I recently lost my husband 2 1/2 months ago. We lost a grand child 4 years ago to murder and my son wrongly convicted of this. My husband was sober for 13 years. But this messed him up mentally. 2 years ago he was struggling with his sobriety. I found out 9 months later when he confessed to me about it. He always hung out with this woman who was both of our friends. He said he did drugs with her. He went to detox and I thought he was ok she went in November to detox and cut him out of her life 3 months after that. I noticed he started drinking again which lead to fights. The week of father's day something set him off and the day before he died I found out he was doing drugs and hanging with her again. He died before we could get him help. This week I just found out the two of them had been sleeping together for 2 years. I am so sick to my stomach he was the love of my life since I was 18. married 29years. I almost caught them once with my daughter but they explained it away. In my bedroom. He could have left me more than once I tried to kick him out cause of his addiction. He didn't go he stayed. Did he really love me or was he with me for pity. Everyone says he really did love me he was hiding his pain with her and drugs cause he needed to feel better. Well I don't feel better they both betrayed me in the worse way. In my bed where I sleep every night. So betrayed. She actually asked for his ashes and showed me a tattoo she had gotten I knew something was off. I finally asked a friend he told me everything. I felt so sick and angry and 100% betrayed. Just leave if your not happy why put me thru this now I can't confront you. His pain is gone but mine is not. I feel its not fair. He messed me up I feel broken.

[Rosienyc]

Do not beat yourself up. His looking for a "mail order bride" was about him and his low self-esteem and not about you. Most men have very fragile egos and suffer from Prince Charming syndrome: needing a princess to rescue so they can feel good about themselves. Sadly, when they encounter a queen who doesn't need rescuing, they resent you. They feel like pieces of garbage about themselves so they need someone they perceive to be bigger pieces of garbage to feel good about themselves. Most men are not secure enough to handle strong, secure, powerful queens. The mother, "Stockholm Syndrome", she was very likely treated like garbage by her own husband so to her, it is perfectly normal for her that her son would look for somebody he could treat like garbage too. Girl, count your blessings the bastard died relatively young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Go have some fun with some real men who will have no problem with a queen . No more fragile Princes Charming.