My ex wife hates me. what the hell does she want?

[leofromparaguay]

Hi everyone. I'll be short and sweet: My wife of 10 years asked me for the the divorce nearly three years ago. There was never any violence nor adultery, just arguements about finances and house chores.i always loved my wife eventhough she never got anywork done around the house. She used to go out with her gfs and even travel for the weekends ti one of her gay friends in another town. She left me home to take care of our wonderful 5 yo twins. I was ok with that the first time but questioned the second time and had a terrible fight the third time. That was during our last year of marriage.

We've been divorced since Dec 2012 but since we broke up in Jan 2011 I've been paying for child support, am never late and even give her something extra in cash. The kids stay at my place every weekend so she has enough time to go out and do whatever she pleases. At first I tried to get back together but she told me to just get on with my life. Which I did and have been in a relationship since Jul2011. My kids adore my 28 yo gf and she's crazy about me and the kids. The problem is that whenever I have to go and pick up the kids on Friday nights or Sat morns she humiliates me by making me wait outside not answering the doorbell nor picking up the phone.

The other day we had to have a meeting to talk about the kids' report cards which were really bad and she started complaining that all we did at my place was to play on ps3 watch netflix and have a good time even when she'd told me they were grounded. When I told her that wasnt true and that she was the one who always avoided her responsibilities towwrds the kids she went Bserk. Flipped off her finger at me in front of the kids, then litterally dragged back in the house came out and told me what a worthless piece of ■■■■ I'd always been and that I was a loser and how I was never loved as a child... and she just wouldnt stop. So I asked why she'd waited 15 years to say this and her answer was simply: I always lied. Doesn't make sense right?

Folks please help me out. Any similar problems/ideas suggestions as to what to do? I'm willing to fight for our children's custody now. Do you think it#s worth it? Please help I'm just 40yo and she's 36. And despite it all I still have nice feelings for her and want her to be happy too, but I'm in love with my gf and have got plans for us. What should I do?

[timless]

I wouldn’t recommend trying to understand your ex’s anger (her reasons for anger could run the gamut and are not for you to “fix”) and concentrate on providing a safe

[notjulieg]

I think she wants your life, not hers. Think about it. She's a single Mom during the week. She's on call 24/5, doing for three, not one or two. She goes to work, then comes home to be a parent - I did it while my ex worked 3-11pm, and it's hard work. You're a single guy during the week, responsible for yourself only. You have an evening or two to spend with your girlfriend, an evening or two with your friends, an evening or two to chill. The day and a half or two days you have the kids, she's playing catch-up, grocery shopping and housework while you're playing with the kids. If you're with your girlfriend, she sees you playing house. Your lives are very different.If you're taking the girlfriend with you on pick-ups and drop-offs, stop taking her along. Re-think the visitation schedule. If you live close enough, think about whether or not alternating weeks might work. Standard visitation is an evening during the week and every other weekend. The reasoning for it is to give the parent with primary custody a break in the middle of the week to join the church choir or another adult activity - a haircut, shopping, etc., and every other weekend so that one parent doesn't get to have all the fun of taking the kids to family functions, parties and other social events that happen on the weekends. We're here for you.

[counto]

we have a lot in common dude ! kind and generous heart and we will never understand the unkindness of someone who married you and got kids from you! i am sure she was the opposite of today. when she says she was lying believe her! i refused to believe mine when she told me she never loved me and it was all lies. i still find it hard to believe when i think of how she was. she use to feed me ice cream while i was driving and accepted to be punished by her parents when she came late after being with me. i am sure yours did as many sacrifices. you probably will do the same. i only wish you, and me as well, that we each find true unconditional love! this will make us forget the lies!

[Happymeal702]

Does she have a job? How often does she spend time with the kids?

[KConnor]

Your not alone my ex has smeared my name so bad none of my friends or family will even look at me or speak to me. None f her accusations were true but she ruined every relationship I cared about. She also likes to play games with our child to try and hurt me. She has been alienating my daughter since I filed for divorce. It’s been Finalized for four years now and it’s not stopping. The courts rip families apart but i had no clue what I was in for. It was absolutely horrible.

[TheProfessor]

@leofromparaguay Bah...sounds awful. Here's what I'd do if I were you:

1) Write an email and spell out some ground rules. Your ground rules should be things you'd like to see changed to treat you more respectfully. No name calling, no fights in front of the kids, no yelling, etc... You'll know what things make you feel uncomfortable. Have consequences to your ground rules. Things like "I'll terminate our meeting if I'm treated disrespectfully." Be prepared to follow through. It will take a couple of tries for her to get the message.
2) Start getting the kids report cards directly from the school. Now the schools put those online for parents to look at. That will be one less meeting you need to have
3) Stop having meetings in person and/or at your residence. Try and take it to writing or over the phone. People problem solve better in writing.
4) Start documenting. Write these incidents down with dates. Try and keep your descriptions neutral in your journal. Adopt a "just the facts" approach and leave your emotions out of it.

I've written a couple of different responses on here from the non custodial parent's point of view when dealing with a high conflict or personality disordered Ex. Check those out so I don't repeat that information here.

My experience with alienation issues is that it has to be to the extent that your child no longer wants to see you. At least that is what our attorney told us in our state. Check with an attorney in your state to find out what level of alienation is required to motivate the courts to act. Custody modification is extremely difficult to pursue. You could be looking at a very expensive legal battle. We were told we could be looking at around $40,000. One of our daughters is over the age of 12 and can now legally be heard by the judge. She repeatedly expresses a desire to come live with us. Even with that change in circumstance we were told to be prepared for an uphill battle. The court does not like to uproot children from the parent who has been taking care of them. The court does not like to split siblings up.

Go check out "TheProperPerson" on YouTube. He is a father who won his custody modification in Utah. He did it for the most part without using an attorney. He started with supervised visits and over a period of years progressed to sole custody where mom lost her parental rights due to all the shenanigans she pulled. According to him mom spent around $100,000 on her attorney fees. High conflict cases are expensive and they are a gamble. You don't necessarily know how the judge will perceive you vs. her. Courts in my state make you go through mediation first.

Good luck and all the best!

[Kev]

I have and am still going thru a similar bad seperation.After 2-3yrs over analyzing and coming to terms with no possible civil mature seperation and or future decent co-anything including parenting acheivable,I put her in the past.50/50 custody,communication via email,disagreements handled by the lawyers.
Now Im happy and smarter for the lesson she taught me after a solid 18yr partnership and all my loyalty and respect a lady nearing 40yrs old will very likely develop bipolar while in denial she is having a midlife crisis.
The problem in her eyes is all you, the more love you have for eachother the deeper the hatred will become to ruin what should be the most cherished good happy decent right xfeeling anybody could hope for,into an anger worse than that of your sworn enemy.
The 2 prople suffering the most was our 2 children.
Concentrate on your time as a father,school dropoffs,lunchs dinners weekends holidays you your kids friends and maybe a new lover you enjoy what you have learnt from your past is a partner who respects and adores you mutually.Happy in her own skin,has enough self respect and self esteem to mature gracefully into a proud woman.
Not some wannabe cougar flirt scared of turning 40 and angry at her life so much so she changes her friends family looks values and personality into someone quite the opposite of your perfect match.
Be a good Dad,if she starts slipping as a mum go for full custody,if that dosent scare her into a mature 40yr old mother then good riddens