My Boyfriend's Ex Wife

[oddgirlout]

...acts like she isn't. His ex, that is. A little background; My boyfriend and his ex-wife have 2 kids, they've been divorced for appx 6 years. According to my boyfriend she cheated on him twice, was terrible with money, had no focus or ambition. They get along well now, in his words they're better as friends than as spouses together. I think it's great, for the kids' sake, that they have a good relationship.

Here's what bugs me; when she drops the kids off or picks them up she waltz' into his house like she still lives there. No knocking, no calling hello. The other night we were upstairs, the kids in their room, my boyfriend and I were on the floor playing with our one year old. All of a sudden she appeared at the top of the steps and sat down on the floor with us and our son...leaving the baby gate open, that was just an added aggrivation. She goes into the kids room in my boyfriends' house and takes clothes or sometimes pieces of furnature...which he then has to replace. She still has personal items stored in his basement, including her wedding dress from when they were married. She's always dropping the kids off when there's something she wants to do, or if we have plans with them she says she needs to pick them up early. She's always bugging him for more money "for the kids," support isn't enough so he also pays for school activities, lunches, after school activities, gifts, clothes.

Meanwhile I get no financial support for our son while I struggle. Frankly, he can't afford it because his other two kids get everything. We've discussed this and his comment was if he splits the support 3 ways then she'll just take him to court for more money...that he doesn't have. I get along with her, we're friendly with each other...mostly because I don't want to cause any trouble for my boyfriend. He said his last girlfriend hated his ex-wife and hated that they had a friendly relationship and he appreciates that I can get along with her. But it's eating at me.

I would never, NEVER, assume I could just walk into my ex's house like I owned the place. I know the ex factor is something I'm stuck dealing with, and I'm okay with that. I guess I'm just looking for some words of wisdom from anyone who's been there, done that.

[mike1493]

Your problem isn't with the ex, it is with your boyfriend. He is not enforcing any boundaries, and after 6 years, it is going to be hard to change. For starters, she should not have a key to his house. His argument that she will just take him to court for more money is hollow. The state has formulas for child support. Depending on which state, she can ask for a review and an adjustment if his income went up significantly. She sounds like the type to get the extra if she thought she could get it legally and she wouldn't have to ask for it each time.My guess is, if he had some backbone, he could say no to quite a lot of stuff and she wouldn't go to court. If he is going to pay for school activities, he should write a check to the school. If he wants to spend money on clothes for them, he should buy the clothes, not give his ex money (sounds like he's already providing clothes if she takes stuff.)Since you say he provides no support for your baby, I assume you don't live together? Paying the mortgage and utilities is a lot more support than you would get if you filed for it. But assuming you two do live together and plan to continue, I suggest you work out a budget. The budget should include extracurriculars for his older children, AND some for the baby. Then he can decide which activities he will pay for out of the budgeted amount. When the budget is used up, that's it.

[ivyzmama]

Congratulations on the birth of your son. I don't want to sound mean, but I think your boyfriend still has feelings for his ex-wife, and that's why he's forking over $ to her that he's not giving to you. Also, have you read his divorce settlement? Perhaps he has to pay those extra things - I know dads who do have to chip in for those things in addition to paying their monthly support check (usually only high earners have to do this). I wouldn't go by anything your boyfriend says unless he's able to prove it with documents; as therapists say, men lie. They just do. Also, many men say their ex's cheated on them. My husband said his exgirlfriend cheated on him with lots of men, but I don't think she ever did. He accused me of cheating on him at least twice - which is completely untrue. My point is, men lie very casually, even about things like whether their wives or ex's cheated on him. My recomendation: get some documentation of your boyfriend's salary (just to verify it for yourself), if you can, and then see a lawyer to find out what child support he would owe you. Then, tell him he needs to pay up, or you'll pursue it formally. Don't assume that this would end your relationship. He may be waiting for you to grow a backbone and when you do he may simply accept it as the price of getting to keep having sex with you. If he doesn't willingly start paying you, and if he drops you as a girlfriend, then you know how immature and selfish he is and you'll be glad you didn't marry him! And I don't mean any disrespect - I didn't grow a backbone myself until last summer when I filed for divorce from the man I've been with for 20 years. I actually wish I'd been as smart as you, because I let him push me into marriage because we were having a kid even though I didn't see the marriage working out, and now I really wish I'd never married him. I'd be so much better off if I'd never married him!

[iam]

Mike is right. I bet if you asked the ex-wife why the divorce happened, she would say he is a spineless wimp who never stood up for himself and she had to make all the decisions in the family. There's always another side to that coin.If you live with your bf, and your name is on the lease, you have every right to speak up and try to limit her comings and goings. If you aren't on the lease, even if you live there, you have no place in saying who comes and goes. It's up to your boyfriend, and if he is not willing to set and enforce boundaries, then you need to speak with him about your expectations. It sounds like you resent the place the other children have in his life. It's not up to him how much support he pays unless he is voluntarily paying more than is court-ordered. If his divorce decree states that he is obligated to pay for half the school fees, etc, then he has to pay them. And yes, if he just stops paying, he will be taken back to court.You are in a precarious position. As his ex-wife, she under the law has more say in your boyfriend's life than you do. You are the mother of one of his children, but other than that there is no legal document binding you to him. Until the boys are grown (and sometimes even through college) she will continue to be a very active part of your life.