I'm in a situation that confuses me.
I'm a male. I met my wife in Europe when she was on some sort of concert tour. At the time I was 50 and she was 61. Nothing happened at first, there was an intense connection. A year later, we met again and we fell deeply in love. We've both been around, been alone by choice for some years to grow spiritually. We had both dealt with issues from the past (so we thought). We radiated love, everywhere we went people lit up, even up to the point that they would bring gifts, people we didn't know. I felt like I had hit the jackpot.
We decided that I would move to her country. We had lots and lots of back luck, I ended up getting anxious after a year I moved, which developed in a severe depression, I was at a place where you don't want to be at. In short, I was not available for myself let alone for my wife for 4 years. After 4 years, some sort of miracle happened and the depression was lifted. Still got professional help though. I realized the last few weeks the pain and hurt I must have inflicted on my wife. She finally took distance and says that she no longer feels for me like she did. She wants me to stay (not for the money, I'm broke and not for conveniences, she can take care of herself and is used to living alone. She wants to improve communication and go step by step. She has been severely damaged, and has been damaged deeply in the past. She wants to heal herself first and can't make any promises. We've had quite a few intense talks. We both admitted that we had lots and lots of bad luck. We had a few sessions with a therapist to work on us. That made a small difference, at least we started listening. Then I had a really bad moment, on top of that Covid happened and my wife pulled out. She's tried to help me, she's done everything she could, this was her 3rd marriage and I was to be her forever husband. She knows where I stand, I've said that I realized how hard it must have been on her to deal with someone who was not there, told her that she deserves to be fought for. She feels pressurized by me at times, like I want her to make a decision within the next 2 months or so. I told her that I would be more careful, that I would never force her, tell her what to do. My love for her has been unconditional. She does put effort in better communication, including going places together. If I come to close, she closes down. There's a lot of pain on her side, sometimes she gets angry when a bad experience pops up in her head.
So, why did I write all of this down?
1) to vent
3) advice, love your self, always, whatever happens and be aware of any thoughts that might take you over. I wouldn't wish my biggest enemies (which I don't have) what I've been through. Depression is a monster that wants to destroy your true love for self and for the people you love most.