My wife and I had a Great Love for each other, especially in the first few years. We had some incredible trips, including to Colorado and Moab, Ireland (said the hills sang of our love) and Germany, and honeymooned in Maui. We had since been married for 6 years back together for 7 total, 8 if you count back in college. Not sure the amount of time is as important as that we had a Momentous Love for one another yet allowed the stressors and our own dysfunctions to it get in the way of our love. It truly is a tragedy.
Heartbreakingly my wife asked for a separation about 5 months ago. I was in denial and tried to race to address the problems we were having. But even before we got to counseling, planned couples retreats, or got go on a much needed trip alone together she told me it was “too late”, that the “window of opportunity had closed”.
At first she told me she wanted me to date her. I did so with a really great date which resulted in her still moving bedrooms. It was confusing. Then she demanded her “day off” and would go out with “friends” till 3:30 in the morning, go on long 6+ hour nature walks with them, out to eat, do “trades”, etc. I came to understand she had in the very least an emotional intrigue from even before the separation. This ballooned until I learned they had gone on a nature park vacation and slept in his van together for 2 days. Yet she still tries to gaslight me and say they’re “just friends”. She had moved out by then with the help of her friends that undermined any reconciliation, one of them who hosted our dessert reception.
It should be noted that though we once both loved each other greatly neither of us were angels about dealing with the stressors. Our year before marriage was mostly great. The first year of marriage and up to the birth of our child was pretty good too, though sexually we’d been less frequent but still semi normal. However after the birth of our child things changed radically.
Our child is what is known as a spirited child and was/is a lot of work and stress. My wife is an introvert and eventually self diagnosed herself with general anxiety disorder. She couldn’t handle the pressure so I eventually did most of the co-sleeping and often slept in separate beds. Our marriage officially became what is known as a sexless marriage, from the moment our child was born, as defined as ten times of sex a year or less. We started out around 8 times, which I chalked up to the birth, but steady got worse till the last year when we were going about fourth months intervals, or a total of 3 times in a year. For me this was devastating, especially coupled with emotional abuse, which I believe had some relation to her anxiety disorder, as well as her getting angry and refusing to talk about it when I’d bring up the subject. Long story short I went back to some old habits and stepped outside the marriage on and off for about one year of our marriage, then repented and chose her and family, which I had known since the beginning but I was grieving the diminishment of our great love. I decided not to tell her as I wanted to save our family and figured based on past things she said she wouldn’t want to know.
Sadly things just seem to get worse and worse. She emotionally abused me by being overly critical, nagging, deriding, demeaning, berating, and at the worst of times having disdain for me. If you’ve ever felt what disdain in like it is the yuckiest feeling ever. My self worth was about in the toilet. How she treated me at times was very degrading. This caused another brief indiscretion which though did not involve intercourse was close enough. Again I stopped and repented. I have a conscience. Again for this last year things got worse and worse till I decided even if there was zero sex I would still be faithful and want to remain in the marriage.
Unfortunately we had gotten this dog who ended up being super hyper and jealous and would jump up on us and bark every time we’d tried to have a heart felt moment. Even though the dog was my wife’s idea I refused to move him on even when she asked me to multiple times. I knew our marriage was in trouble and projected myself on the dog myself. I told her we don’t simply move on family members when they become problematic. I had other problems besides the times of infidelity, I didn’t listen to her to some things that would have really helped like moving on the dog, not getting us into debt, going to couples retreats, scheduling date nights and vacations. Honestly I was pretty overwhelmed and money was an issue. But in retrospect I could have swung all these decisions so I hold some culpability for them. However nothing, not even the infidelity could have not been resolved. Our love was that great and deserved a chance. I was as sincere as I could be at wanting to make things right. But she was resolute.
At first she stated she wanted to separate because I was controlling and didn’t take the time to schedule much needed date nights and vacations. Not that there was no truth there but overall it was overblown and totally solvable. Her mother left her dad at the same age as our child is now as she was then. She was repeating a pattern. She seemed resolute and continued this intrigue including all these texts and messenger messages. She’d changed her password and would turn her phone sideways or upside down so I could not see what was happening. After 5 6 weeks of this I was beside myself. I had been trying to reconcile the whole time. Then one night she was invited to this birthday party in which I too went. She seemed very anxious to get out there gripping the steering wheel like it was a neck she was trying to wring. She would barely say two words to me. When I asked her what was up she again put me off. Then when she got there in short order she went to go hang out with her intrigue. Later they both disappeared coming back from differing directions. I drank a lot to try to deal with it and the separation. Unfortunately all the factors affected me and I told her of my past indiscretions when we got home. I told her I thought she too had be having affairs including with this guy. She denied everything and told me multiple times she wished I hadn’t told her. I’m not 100% on her having affairs in the marriage, though I still very much wonder, but she wasn’t being honest about this emotional intrigue which I’m positive something has happened by now on a physical level. Regardless the information I gave her scuttled any future chance at reconciliation and gave her all the ammo she needed to proceed with divorce. Instead of trying to help the reconciliation process her friends actively undermined our marriage and helped her to move out, and had according to her had a lot to say and that they “hated” me.
It’s sad that this society makes everything about sex. I truly loved my wife and the things I did did not happen in a vacuum. I was abused, denied sex, and she wouldn’t communicate about it. I actually tried to tell her what I was thinking before anything happened but she said, as she did countless times when it came to our lack of physical intimacy, that she, “didn’t want to talk about it”. It was a deadly trifecta for our marriage. Instead of understanding I got judgement, and now my wife has emotionally moved on and seems blindly evident that she’s engaging in some sort of dating behavior with her emotional intrigue, and possibly others. It’s hard to absolutely confirm as she’s very guarded about it. I suppose that’s in part since we are still legally married.
Long story short I realized shortly after the separation and counseling that I am still deeply in love with my wife. I’m not a bad person but I’ve made some bad decisions which were really old dysfunctional patterns. We totally could work this out and been happy, but it takes two to do so. She’s been consistent the whole time. She’s has someone to focus her attentions on and at times seems strangely happy, humming and all. Again I suspect this is because of someone else not because of general circumstantial changes.
Since the separation my wife has done some pretty morally questionable things including blackmailing me three times, using the subject of the infidelity and or custody of my child as leverage to get more money from me. She’s getting a huge chunk out of me. Much more than she brought into the relationship. It’s not fair, but if we went all the way to court she possibly could get more and it would be nasty and expensive for both of us.
But I’d give every dime and strip naked if only it meant the sincere continuance of or marriage, in a healed form of course. Matters of the heart is way more important for me. It is strange to me that she could feel so much for me at one point but now barely feels any romantic feelings. But that’s because she’s turned her heart to another which helped pull her out of our relationship.
Now I’m alone holding the emotional bag. I know a lot of this is my karma, but she had a huge part to play in this too. And even if she is good riddance I can’t seem to fall out of love with her. I seem a desperate shell of a man who’s lost all joy in life, while she’s often lately all smiles and hums around like she’s found new love. She’s got that glow. This hurts big time and tells me I really need to let go…
In the end it is a disparity in feelings, one in which I cannot possibly change no matter how hard I try and pray. Believe me I’ve tried. At this point I’m only pushing her further away…
But I’m love sick. And if you’ve never been love sick let me tell you it is complete and utter emotional hell. It has nothing to do with rationality. The heart wants what the heart wants no matter how deserving or not.
So how can I get myself out of this? I’ve done yoga, meditation, read books, gotten into nature, exercised, ate well, counseling, etc. Nothing is seeming to work. Sometimes I feel semi ok then I start thinking about her moving on with someone else, especially my ex friend who’s betrayed me in all this, and I get blasted again, sometimes to the point of morose things feeling like I want to die and never coming back. But I believe the afterlife & reincarnation a possibility and think it important how you transition.
I was recently told I should go out there and basically have some physical interactions, that that would help me get over it. Besides the fact I really don’t want to do such a thing I’m not sure spiritually that is the right answer. I would be distracting myself from my feelings and furthermore committing the sins that helped scuttle any chance of reconciliation of our marriage. Sexual sin so to speak has been a issue for me since before marriage and it is something I need to tackle, not embrace as a crutch. But yeah it’s going to hurt more, a hell of a lot more.
So please people tell me what more can I do. 5 1/2 months of this has been unbearable. I really do want it to end. I sense there is nothing I can do with my wife, and if we would ever get back together it probably would be after I stop trying to reconcile. She told me shortly after separation that I should be more reserved because it was like “magnetism”. But I had been doing the opposite, really turning towards her and telling her how much I loved her and wanted to work things out. I guess that seems desperate to some people. Sad it seems so high school but maybe that’s the way nature works.
I never wanted to have to perform. That is one of the reasons I got married. I wanted to have the security that we’d always be there for one another. But now it seems like such bullshit that people are only together until they don’t want to be anymore, that when the other person can’t give the other in relation to the costs of being in the relationship what they want they leave. Basically people are together until they don’t want to be anymore, married or not.
So here I am, a good part of the way to Margaritaville, Love sick to the point that I think about this every single day, most of the day, and I’m at a loss. Can anyone help me with words of wisdom? I need that and some ears. Thanks for hearing my story. Hopefully it can be a consolation to others who are in similar situations.