Letter I never sent to my cheating spouse…..vent…

I had to confess, I loved you so much, and you were my hero. Wherever you were, that was home to me. I loved you so much, I’d die for you, and you had no idea. Whenever you took some much time to come back home from work, I would get nervous thinking that may be something bad had happened to you… Stupid me, we had problems, but every couple has them, don’t they? I was always thinking on ways to save our relationship.

You know, I wrote you a letter, one that said how much I loved you, and how I wanted in my heart to work on our problems, I even cleaned around the house very well so you could feel comfortable, I cooked for you… Then you came home and you said to me “I don’t want to come home because you are here.” It ended up in the garbage along with that flower. No more flowers or letters since that day…ever… just too painful.

One day I was so hurt I could handle it no more I went to church to pray God for guidance so I could make you and our children happy. I loved you so much! I had no idea! These many problems made me realized how much I cared about you, but we were growing distant, I would say something and you would understand something else, I hated it! I was incapable to make myself clear when talking to you. If I could just say something that would let you know how much I loved you! but It’s difficult when the most heart wrenching words are thrown at you… That’s probably why I ignored it when things started going straight downhill. Why you had to be so harsh when you were with me? Why you spend more and more time staying away from me? Why you criticize me more and more for just about any reason? I worked on myself to look good for you.

Stupid me, I loved you so much you had no idea! Suddenly, I hit the brick wall of reality…a direct sharp stab in the heart…And life changed… What couldn’t I stop this pain!!! It was killing me inside! I couldn’t think straight, I didn’t want to love you… But I did, and all this love turned against me.

Something was missing from my life. I felt an infinite pain, and unbearable heartache. It wouldn’t leave me alone; I would give it all if it would just leave me alone. I’ve cried more than I ever thought possible. I felt as if this pain has transcended the limits of this life. Please God! Why?..Tell me why? I had enough! I couldn’t stand the pain in my soul… It was like a shadow, It followed me everywhere, in my dreams and even the songs I used to sing, Can’t stand the radio, can’t stand tv, everything remains me of this betrayal. What about our vows, our kids, our dreams?.. It was so dark in there, what did I do to deserve that agony?..I was not living; I was dying with every memory. I loved you so much, you had no idea, I’d die… because of you. I’m no longer that person you married. I have finally accepted it…That one person… is gone.

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You just summed up months and years worth of torment so elequently here. Brings tears to your eyes if you arent careful. My divorce is today and its something I dont want. It has changed me also in ways that I thought I would never be. But we cant stay bitter can we? The married family is all but an illusion today that we percieve. Television and movies have gotten us all to believe in a falacy. I am utterly amazed that there are people out there that actually make it work. Best of luck to you.

Hi MD - I feel your pain over the hurt and betrayal. I also posted a blog this week called the email I will never send where I vented and asked all the questions I knew I would never get answers to. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I wish you all the best. Stay strong and hang in there.Hugs!

I feel your pain, max, as many of us do on here. I could have wrote those words myself, but really, only people like us CAN feel that deep emotion called love. Consider this your blessing, as you deserve the same feelings and devotion that you can give. I am already at the acceptance stage w/my stbx. He will continue to look for some kind of happiness no one can provide (because there is something missing in his soul), while I am moving on, thriving, and looking forward to what my future will bring. I am sitting in the drivers seat of my destiny, and it feels really good. Take stride, and be strong… you have no idea how much growth your soul will encompass through this process

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It’s like we lived the same lives. This really is the heart of my struggles. He was having an affair that he denied repeatedly for 10 years. He was so mean with his criticism. I prayed and truly believed that God wanted me to fight for our marriage. I ask for signs and got them. However, I ignored his behavior and I thought if he had an affair it was over with them. I really thought he had a stroke. I even reached out to her years ago but of course she didn’t respond. She was married too. Well, I’m blocked on his phone and he finally signed the divorce papers. He filed by the way. The pain is still deep and raw. I have so much trouble understanding how he could betray me and use me financially, sexually and emotionally for so many years. I truly believed he was my soulmate. I believed I was suppose to not give up cause I thought he was my best friend at one time. When I look back now he wasn’t a good husband for at least 15 years. My brain wouldn’t allow me to see or accept that. I kept making excuses because I thought in his heart he truly loved me and would profess his love again. I have accepted our divorce. It’s the betrayal that still eats at me constantly.