Recently joined. First post. I have no idea what to do. I’m divorced going on two years and now I think I want to go back. My feelings and my head is all askew. My marriage lasted three and half years; that’s three years longer then I expected it would. I had to end it, I had to get out, I could not live a lie any longer. My ex husband wasn’t a bad man; he was a very loving, kind hearted, all around great guy. He never hit me, he rarely yelled at me, he was great provider, a great lover; I just didn’t love him anymore.
The grim reality is, I don’t think I ever really did. My heart was not in the marriage; I’ll be the first to admit it wasn’t on the day I him married either. I had hoped for, but it turned out to be pure fantasy, that my ex fiancé would have ridden into my wedding on his white horse and rescued me from my impending doom. He I were meant to be together; he was my true love. We were together five years and engaged for two. We had differences in only one area and it would eventually drive us apart; children. He had two from a prior marriage, I didn’t have any and I wanted them; he did not. We could find common ground on nearly everything accept that issue. I had to leave the relationship if I wanted to be a mom.
I found myself in the arms of the man I’d eventually marry. I call it a rebound relationship; I’d broken up with the other guy two months earlier. This new guy, he was different , he was younger than I was for one; three years. He was somewhat on the inexperienced side; he had ,had only a couple of surface level relationships with other girls prior to me. His friends, with the exception of one, were all single; I was the lone single one of my friends. I wanted to love him and for a while, i really did love him. It wasn’t a fly by night relationship with a proposal, we were together well over a year before he proposed. When he did, my heart really was into it, I felt at that time he was my soul mate.
As our wedding approached and I still had some form of indirect links to my former, my heart waned. I somehow knew this wasn’t going to work; my family must have too. My father suggested a small intimate wedding, maybe thirty or so guests, and I not get myself bogged down in any major investment for a while until we’re married a few years. I showed no objection to either, in fact I was actually very happy that I had an “out”; “sorry sweetheart, my father won’t kick up anymore money towards our wedding”.
So, seven months later, June 12, 2007, at the age of 34, my father walked me down the aisle. Two hours before that ceremony, I wanted to get in the car with my maid of honor and drive away; the night before I even looked up one way airfare to the West Coast for the day of the wedding to escape. I owed it to my father who paid for this celebration, to my family who all stood behind me, to my soon to be spouse and his family and to myself to just go through with it. My mom told me a story of how she left my dad at the alter on their wedding day. She had before that time already given birth to my sister and was two months pregnant with my brother when she decided to make her escape. She also told me that a half hour later she had her friend turn the car around and she came back married him. She was scared to death, but had managed to be with him nearly forty years and four kids in total. The problem with me was, I wasn’t scared; I just didn’t love him that way he deserved to be loved. As I had said earlier, I wanted my former to stop the wedding, do the “I object” and take me away. I had told two of my friends to underhandedly let him know I was getting married.
The ring of hope got smaller and smaller as, what seemed like, the endless wait came to an end. It was time to start; I had about a minute to runaway. I didn’t of course, I walked down the aisle took my place next to my groom and said “I do”. When the priest declared us husband and wife, and we could kiss, it was a kiss of true love on his part; he truly loved me and I felt like ■■■■. We honeymooned in St Lucia and returned home. His apartment was smaller so we moved into mine together. Six months into the marriage, the time I gave myself that I was staying in the marriage; we talked about a house in the suburbs. Remembering my fathers words , I lied and told him that I may have small glitches on my credit which may hinder us; I did say “unless you can qualify on your own” . Words I later ate because he could and we did buy a beautiful house north of the city, huge lot, lovely neighborhood, great neighbors. I once again felt like a terrible bitch. This man has given me something I’ve always wanted, a nice house with a front porch to sit and watch the rain come down. He was better in almost every aspect that my former. He made better money, had a much better job, he put me first in nearly everything, told me he loved me ten times a day. Sex was not a problem in the marriage. We made love a lot. Sometimes it was dirty, pornographic, role playing fantasy; all of which I loved.
So many times I questioned my self ‘what the hell is wrong with me” I have a guy who treats me like gold and only wants to make me happy. He’s given me all I could ever want and I’m miserable. The baby talk came after a year a half. Something we briefly talked about when dating but this first serious conversation. Of course I wanted to have a baby, if I hadn’t I’d have long since married the other guy. The feeling about us though and I knew I was going to ask for a divorce soon told me I could not bring a baby into the world as a single mom. I lied again and said we could sure try, but secretly I never went off the pill. I felt that if it happened, it happened, but I was going to do all I could to prevent it. So life went on as a couple for us. We took some nice vacations, did some upgrades to the house, and added a swimming pool. He was the oldest of all his brothers and sisters, part of which made me feel like I married a kid. His little sister graduated high school two and half years into our marriage; this was first time I met the majority of his family.
They treated me very warmly and his father called me his daughter. His oldest sister asked me to be in her wedding party; how could I refuse. Deep down I was suffering in silence. I told my best friend whom I’d share feeling with about my misery and she’s instantly wanting what I had; my sister even asked if I leave him, can she marry him. I felt maybe I was depressed so I saw a doctor but after talking a few times I knew what It was that made me so down; my marriage. Leaving my husband to try and get my former back was a non issue now; he had gone back to his kid’s mom and had moved out of state to start over. I knew though I’d never find the happiness I deserved if I stayed here. So the day came, of all times the day my husband asked me to lunch. I had jitters the entire day and thought, “no, no I’m not going to do this. It’s all in my screwed up head, this can work, I have a warm loving husband, I’m the envy of every girl I know; I can make this work.”
Again I knew I was compromising and settling, so I went and did it. I said I want a divorce, I’m not happy, I’m miserable. I could see tears swelling in his eyes and felt like again like such a ■■■■; he didn’t deserve this, I didn’t deserve him. He wanted to know what he did and he’ll fix it, but it’s so hard to make some one believe “it’s not you, it’s me”. There was nothing he could do; nothing I wanted him to do accept set me free. After leaving the restaurant I cried for two straight days. “What the F*ck did I just do?” “What F*ck is wrong with me?” .
When I saw him next, he said, that no matter what he loves me and wants me to be happy, so take what I want, live solo for awhile, but if you still find you’re not happy, please come back. It was beautiful words to hear and I cried again, we held each other all night. I didn’t want the house; I wanted my car, my jewelry and the money I contributed to our savings and retirement. Because we had no kids, it was all over in sixty-eight days. I vacated the home, our home, and relocated back the city November 8 , 2011.
My new found freedom was also apparently just an illusion too. Some time ago there a song about this with the lyrics “You can return here, but never come back here again” I’ve lost friends because of this; my maid of honor thinks I’m just a heartless, selfish (word I cannot say here.)She’s right. I miss my ex husband. I miss his smile , his constant happiness; most of all I miss his love that I always took for granted. We’ve been talking, and seeing each other a little bit. He’s a forgiving man and wants me to come home; clean slate. I’m not sure because I feel like I’m coming back with my tail between my legs.
My counselor tells me to follow my heart, my heart is telling me two things; go back and never question yourself again or run away. Running away is what I seem to do and don’t think I have not thought of it. My company has offices all over the country and I had put in for a transfer to another city; recently that came through. Why is this so complicated? Why am I so complicated?