If You’ve Cheated, Should You Tell Your Spouse?

[andreanostramo]

I read somewhere that confession cleanses the soul, but I am not sure how I feel about that. If I had been cheated on, I’d want my spouse to tell me. I’d want him to be so overcome with guilt that he broke down and told me, and then promised me it would never happen again, and meant it.

But if I were the cheater, I’m not sure. I think the answer is very complicated and needs to be dealt with on a case by case basis. In the first case, let’s say someone has cheated just once and never plans to do it again. They had a terrible drunken one night stand and it was horrible and plagues them with guilt. I think they should tell, and here’s why. They’ll probably wind up confessing eventually anyway, since guilt is a cruel mistress (no pun intended). If you confess after a few months go by, it makes matters worse. Plus, your spouse will start to look at everything you did during those months and scrutinize them for guilt-ridden actions.

“Did he buy me those flowers just because he felt bad? I thought it was because he cared.” Stuff like that. The second case involves an ongoing affair. The main question here is are you REALLY going to stop? Because if you confess and then continue to cheat, there will probably be a divorce in your not-so-happy future. But if you really can cut it off and you want everything out in the open, maybe you should tell.

The question your spouse will want to know is, if you feel so bad how could you let it happen repeatedly? A question with a not-so-easy answer. Also, it is important not to make it seem like you’re confessing simply to alleviate your own surmounting guilt. Don’t say things like, “Oh, now that I’ve told you everything I feel so much better,” because that is like saying your confession was selfish, and if you’ve cheated on your spouse, coming off selfish is probably a bad idea.

I’m not really an expert in relationships; these are just my opinions. Sometimes confessing is a bad idea, if you think your spouse could hurt you or react violently. The best way to avoid all these problems is simple: don’t cheat in the first place.

[hayhay12]

I may be wrong, but here is my take:Cheating is one of the most selfish betrayals you can foist upon your spouse. Incredibly selfish.If there is no way they will find out, it should not be confessed.Otherwise, the cheater is not only violating their vows, but also unburdening their guilt at their partners expense. The cheated spouse endures tremendous pain while the cheater feels relieved.Sometimes ignorance is indeed, bliss.

[militaryp]

I had always thought that if my spouse cheated, if he was the one to tell me and not let someone else be the one to tell me, that we would be able to work through it…I don’t know if that would have been the case or not…When he did cheat, there was never remorse and he didn’t want to stay married, so I guess I just don’t know…I think the best solution is your last sentence…Don’t cheat in the first place.

[hanner]

I had therapists tell me that no matter if it was just an emotional affair or a physical one, the point was to decide if you wanted to save your marriage. If so, stop the affair and pay attention to your spouse. And do not admit the affair, because the admission will cause all sorts of damage.But I think that’s bad advice. The guilt from that can eat away at a marriage.

[ric3]

Cheaters leave the marital covenant to fulfill the selfish parts of them instead of seeking to get it from their mate, the one the promised to love, for better or worse, sickness and health, without any other person usurping the covenant, so help you God. BUT…you have TRIED…begged, sobbed, pleaded and to no avail. What then? Does one cheat to get the communication needs, the physical sexual needs or the intimacy needs filled while still going home to their spouse. No, they shouldn’t cheat. They should get a spine and talk out the things with their spouse. After one cheats, even if they don’t do it again, it becomes an option for them to seek fulfillment of their needs outside the marriage. It affects family and friends. It affects the other spouses if applicable. Most of all it affects the kids, again, if applicable. If they find that their spouse is unreceptive or unwilling, then split because for irreparable differences. The adultery my ex committed turned into irreparable differences anyway. The courts really don’t deal with infidelity or adultery anymore.