I really miss my stepchildren

Stepfamilies
#1

I have been going to a therapist for a while and have been doing a lot of work. It still breaks my heart the lose of the kids. I know they are resilant but i don’ t know what to do with these feeling and where to go from here. I was more of a mother to them then there own mother and father combined.

anyone have any suggestions on how to cope with the lose of your stepkids. please any advise!!! i try to email i get no response to it. it is to hard to call the house and hear the new girlfriend in my house. Ive sent cards. I know there loyalty is to there father. but the hurt is unbareable at times. it is like a dealth.

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#2

nik - you need to let go of those kids - I know it is hard, but for their sake as well as yours…you have to. Stop emailing stop calling. Best suggestion I can make is look into the big brother/big sister program - or any other program in your area that helps disadvantaged kids…bring new children that you can guide into your life but on YOUR terms…You have a nurturing soul…put it to some poistive use.

#3

I completely understand how you feel. My ex husband has 3 daughters from his previous marriage and I miss them terribly. It is so hard to hear them talk about daddy’s new girlfriend and all of the wonderful things they get to do without me. My therapist made a suggestion that I took. I wrote them a letter. I told them that no matter what, I will always love them and always be there for them, but that I had to concentrate on dealing with what happened between their father and me, and concentrate on getting my life settled. I also told them that when I am feeling better, I will reach out to them. I hate to tell you, but as as stepmothers, we have no say anymore what goes on in their lives (I actually had very little say anyway when I was married to their father). All you can do is hope that when they grow up, they will remember the love you gave them, and when the time is right, you will reconnect with them. Good luck niknik.

#4

Honey, a very wise woman once said to me, Let go, or get dragged. I think this applies to you.I’ve worked in education for longer than I care to admit. I’ve been really close to and fond of some of the kids I’ve worked with over the years. No I’ve never crossed a line, and honestly, all the kids I’ve worked with are my favorite them, because there will never be another like them. I wonder about how they’re doing, and whether or not they’ve achieved their dreams. I know it can be tough to not have the answers. It has to be enough to know that you’ve been a part of their lives and to know that you did the best you could with your time with them. I’ve had a few kids look me up on the internet - they’re older now, and we’ve exchanged e mail addresses. Some have sent Christmas cards and photos of their families. It’s nice when it happens, and it may very well happen to you one day with your step kids. You need to step aside and let them live their lives with their parents and new steps. It’s hard, but do-able.

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#5

I get it…I was very close with my ex-gf’s kids, especially her daughter. She was 11 when her mother and I broke up. I didn’t say goodbye and didn’t have the closure I wanted. But it wasn’t something I could really do anything about. She was very close to to my son who had just turned 13. He handled it better than I though I know he was a little upset. You have to let it go. Nothing good can come of it any other way.

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#6

I haven’t been in your shoes so I can’t relate to your situation 100 percent, but any stepchild would be lucky to have you as a parent. I am a child of divorce and can speak to that.

But since you technically don’t have legal claim to those children, you will likely have to wait things out until they get to an age where they can reach out to you.

Until then, have you considered finding other ways to connect with children in a way that might be fulfilling for you? It may not replace being a parent, but there are several organizations that are in dire need of adult volunteers to help kids who may lack parental support in their own homes. Or, organizations like the Boys and Girls Club or Big Brothers, Big Sisters could provide a mentorship opportunity for you if you have a lot of love to give.

Beyond that, if you want to be a parent again, maybe sponsoring a foreign exchange student might be something for you to consider. If you’re in a place emotionally or financially where you could be a foster parent, that could also be an option. I hope things get better for you. :hearts:

#7

It hurts so much. Like a piece of your heart is being ripped from you without pain killers. After I asked my x to leave, he left his daughter with me for a year. We got even closer… At the end of the year and the 4th girlfriend in he decided that she could help him take care of her and she was taken from me. 2 days notice. Her step-brother cried and misses her as well, he’ll never see her again… He’s in therapy. Her 2 biological siblings cried and cried especially her sister, the 5 year old. My 5 year old doesn’t understand why we packed up her sisters things and had to say good bye to her.

During this process he moved to Idaho with a girl 11 years younger and they got an apartment and set up one room for her and our boy and girl. All brand new things. Lot’s of showing off and affording things for all the kiddos that I can’t. But because he left with no notice, he hasn’t seen the kids here for 4 months. No calls, no birthday gifts, no letters… All while posting pictures of the three of them together… Not only does it break my heart to see her so happy to not be here when I gave it my all, but it makes the kids here cry. I ended up blocking them on my facebook and my children’s.

Occasionally someone will say something about her and how she’s doing and I try my best not to cry. For 11 years I held her and loved her, changed her diapers, brushed her hair, cleaned up her messes and bought all of her necessities. Now, I’m a no one…

My therapist told me to look at it this way… If I were a foster parent, a child may have to go home. Even if I was told I might be able to adopt her, if the parent gets better they could still get the child back, no matter how long the time frame. I did an amazing job as a mother figure to her. I did the best I could and loved her as my own child. I hope one day she knows that and comes back to me. But if I dwell it hurts me, it hurts the babies here who miss her as much as I do and they don’t understand. To be honest, neither do I, but I’ve got to love the ones I have.

She knows my phone number, has my marco polo (she’s 12, was taken 2 days after her 12th birthday), she knows the address here and she knows how to get a hold of the family. I put their numbers in the phone before she left. It hurts not to hold her or tuck my 2 girls in. Her pictures are still up in my house and I will always love her. Easier said than done, but you have to hold your head up, know you did well and wait to see what happens as baby gets bigger… There is no law to help us. There is no protection for the step parents who put their heart and soul into loving a child that grew in their heart instead of their belly…

Hang on… We can get through this…

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#8

I want to thank Dr Osasu a very powerful spell caster who help me to bring my husband back to me, few month ago i have a serious problem with my husband, to the extend that he left the house, and he started dating another woman and he stayed with the woman, i tried all i can to bring him back, but all my effort was useless until till the day my friend came to my house and i told her every thing that had happened between me and my husband, then she told me of a powerful spell caster who help her when she was in the same problem I then contact Dr Osasu and told him every think and he told me not to worry my self again that my husband will come back to me after he has cast a spell on him,i thought it was a joke, after he had finish casting the spell, he told me that he had just finish casting the spell, to my greatest surprise within that 3 days, my husband really came back begging me to forgive him, if you need his help you can contact him with his email address [drosasu25@gmail.com or directly on whasapp +2347064365391

#9

I wish I could say I didn’t know this pain but I do all too well. I raised 2 children from infants until they were 5 and 6. Their birth mother was a routine drug user and in and out of their life. The kids looked at me as their mother and I could not have loved them more or treated them like my own any more than I did. The worst part about being a step parent is you can put your all into someone… your entire heart. You can fight for them, cry over them, lay your life down for them… but in the end, they still aren’t yours and can be taken from you indefinitely. I never got to say goodbye. The monsters that keep them from me now are so selfish. They never cared what the kid’s best interest was. It’s been almost 2 years and I thought by now it would get easier but honestly it’s just getting harder to breathe. If anyone has any advice please send it. I can’t let them go. I hope they never forget for a single moment that they didn’t grow under my heart but in it. That’s what I’ve always told them. How can I let go of them when I don’t want to forget…

#10

I recently lost stepkids in a divorce. It’s hard in so many ways. Manipulative father creating the stories, and doing everything he can to push me out. I started looking for resources and was discouraged. So much on toxic step mothers and how to push them out of your life. And besides, most of the info is targeted at two biological parents and just suggests they see a lawyer. Not much on the grief and loss, or how to support the kids. The websites tell me that stepparents are not respected in many communities as valid, and a split up tends to leave others thinking you’ll be glad to not have to deal with the step kids any longer. They forget that the trials of parenting exist in all forms and just cause a stepparent was working through challenges, it doesn’t mean they’d rather not have the kids in their life. And some family friends and colleagues might be confused about your feelings and may think you just need to cut ties and get on with your life.

When I read others experiences I see some others who I shared experiences with. Being cut out and perhaps overnight. Lack of contact means you may have no knowledge of how your kids are doing, or how to support them. The kids need support but it’s hard to figure out what that is. They may really miss you but feel stuck. They may feel loyalty to the biological parent. The biological parent may not have the capacity to respect you and may provide misleading information. So you’re not getting good advice, you’re not validated, while trying your best to hold it together while grieving over the loss of a child. It is very alienating, and at a time that you need support and compassion.

There are ways to respectfully work together with your ex to support the kids. It’s more complicated when the separation what not friendly.

And there are strategies for supporting from a distance, but it requires you let go of having them in your life, to set aside your loss and pain, and try to provide love through simple pleasant uncomplicated support. All the while, you’ll need to understand that you won’t know the outcome and have to find peace another way. I’m trying to find resources on what to do in this situation but they’re hard to track down. But I feel I need to learn more because I don’t want to abandon them or take away real opportunities for them to continue getting support from a parent figure. It’s hard, and all I can commit to at this moment is to reach out periodically over the next 6-12 months. And who knows what comes next.

Not to bash any of the suggestions in this thread. Different things help different people. But there were some recommendations that were offensive to me and I want to share so others can consider it. I don’t see how adopting, fostering, or being helpful in other kids lives will help. I love my kids, they’re my family, and I want them back. I don’t want a surrogate. It’s complicated for sure and knee jerk quick fixes aren’t helpful. I’d ask that suggestions should come from comprehensive considerations and be aimed at positive outcomes, not just get over it or another kid will serve you just fine. Maybe I’m wrong but I don’t think those suggestions would be made to a biological parent without that parent chasing you out of their house and telling you not to come back till you can have some compassion.

I’m still on my quest for understanding options I have to help my kids, even if it doesn’t give me the outcome I want for myself. This website isn’t the say all end all, but it helped me to understand better some typical outcomes for children that lose a stepparent in a divorce. Maybe it will help some of you. I can’t include the link here, but google search for stepchildrens views about former stepparents and it’s on a website called the society pages. 1/29/2019

My heart goes out to all of you going through this too. The outcome won’t be clear and we have to make decisions in a place of unimaginable grief. We have to recreate our lives after losing our entire family.

Parents and families come in many forms that can be just as precious as biological families.