I recently lost stepkids in a divorce. It’s hard in so many ways. Manipulative father creating the stories, and doing everything he can to push me out. I started looking for resources and was discouraged. So much on toxic step mothers and how to push them out of your life. And besides, most of the info is targeted at two biological parents and just suggests they see a lawyer. Not much on the grief and loss, or how to support the kids. The websites tell me that stepparents are not respected in many communities as valid, and a split up tends to leave others thinking you’ll be glad to not have to deal with the step kids any longer. They forget that the trials of parenting exist in all forms and just cause a stepparent was working through challenges, it doesn’t mean they’d rather not have the kids in their life. And some family friends and colleagues might be confused about your feelings and may think you just need to cut ties and get on with your life.
When I read others experiences I see some others who I shared experiences with. Being cut out and perhaps overnight. Lack of contact means you may have no knowledge of how your kids are doing, or how to support them. The kids need support but it’s hard to figure out what that is. They may really miss you but feel stuck. They may feel loyalty to the biological parent. The biological parent may not have the capacity to respect you and may provide misleading information. So you’re not getting good advice, you’re not validated, while trying your best to hold it together while grieving over the loss of a child. It is very alienating, and at a time that you need support and compassion.
There are ways to respectfully work together with your ex to support the kids. It’s more complicated when the separation what not friendly.
And there are strategies for supporting from a distance, but it requires you let go of having them in your life, to set aside your loss and pain, and try to provide love through simple pleasant uncomplicated support. All the while, you’ll need to understand that you won’t know the outcome and have to find peace another way. I’m trying to find resources on what to do in this situation but they’re hard to track down. But I feel I need to learn more because I don’t want to abandon them or take away real opportunities for them to continue getting support from a parent figure. It’s hard, and all I can commit to at this moment is to reach out periodically over the next 6-12 months. And who knows what comes next.
Not to bash any of the suggestions in this thread. Different things help different people. But there were some recommendations that were offensive to me and I want to share so others can consider it. I don’t see how adopting, fostering, or being helpful in other kids lives will help. I love my kids, they’re my family, and I want them back. I don’t want a surrogate. It’s complicated for sure and knee jerk quick fixes aren’t helpful. I’d ask that suggestions should come from comprehensive considerations and be aimed at positive outcomes, not just get over it or another kid will serve you just fine. Maybe I’m wrong but I don’t think those suggestions would be made to a biological parent without that parent chasing you out of their house and telling you not to come back till you can have some compassion.
I’m still on my quest for understanding options I have to help my kids, even if it doesn’t give me the outcome I want for myself. This website isn’t the say all end all, but it helped me to understand better some typical outcomes for children that lose a stepparent in a divorce. Maybe it will help some of you. I can’t include the link here, but google search for stepchildrens views about former stepparents and it’s on a website called the society pages. 1/29/2019
My heart goes out to all of you going through this too. The outcome won’t be clear and we have to make decisions in a place of unimaginable grief. We have to recreate our lives after losing our entire family.
Parents and families come in many forms that can be just as precious as biological families.