I just found out today I have been divorced for 5 months

Aaron210419 2019-03-23 20:55:01 UTC #1

I just found out this morning while my wife of 8 years was on her way to work that she divorced me 5 months ago and has been living like nothing even happened. We still live together and we have had typical issues, mostly financial issues that have actually been solved. We are finally in a place to be able to enjoy each other and the future is starting to look bright. Over an argument about trying to figure out her lack of sex drive and if there is anything I can do to make her more comfortable again, she tells me that she went through with the divorce a few months ago and that I signed for the certified mail which I never received. I am supposed to just be okay with everything even though she couldn't even tell me face to face it had to be over the phone on her way to work. So she went to court alone didn't think anything when I didn't show up much less when I never brought it up to her beforehand because I never got that letter. Like I said it was this morning and I don't know all the details yet but all I've been left with are my racing thoughts and my assumption for the worst. How could she keep living with me for 5 months and act like nothing even happened? So I just happened to stumble across this website and honestly I don't know what I'm looking for this is all so fresh to me but I feel it's got to be better then doing something I might regret.

TheProfessor 2019-03-24 15:24:11 UTC #2

@Aaron210419 That's a little crazy. I'd do three things if I were you.

Get both of you in to see a therapist to talk it through ASAP.
Start documenting the heck out of everything. Take pictures of everything. Try and get her on recording saying she hasn't bothered to mention this little fact about the divorce. Document the financials the two of you share together.
Get a certified copy of the Decree and carefully read through it. Better yet get an attorney to help you read it.

I'm sure you must be pretty angry. The first piece of advice about getting a therapist to help you talk it through puts a layer of neutrality between you and your wife to have that conversation. It will also let you know if your wife is afraid of you in some way which might explain why she didn't say anything.

The second item on the list prepares you for a potential court battle or law suit. It's a step a lot of people fail to do because they use their emotions to make decisions. When everything goes south you are ready. If things work out - great!

The third step - you need to know where you stand with regard to your property. Divorce decrees have a funny way of splitting stuff up. Check that out.

I'm sure you love your wife and you'd like to see the situation work out. Get on a website called "marriagebuilders.com" and read through how to repair your relationship after a deception. They mostly refer to cheating but I think failing to mention a big thing like DIVORCING YOU secretly qualifies.

Good Luck!

TheProfessor 2019-03-24 15:42:49 UTC #3

@Aaron210419 Forgot to mention as an aside the sex drive matter...

Women are really prone to flucutations in hormones especially as we get into the peri-menopause years. That can start in a woman's mid thirties for most and marches it's way until you hit full menopause which can start in late 40s/early 50s. Instead of arguing about her sex drive do something about it if she is open to the idea. Many doctors now will prescribe compounded bioidentical hormones (BHRT) to help balance those things out. For sex drive issues they will give her testosterone cream that works very quickly to put her in the mood. Testosterone also help lessen some symptoms of depression.

Biodentical Hormone therapy is not the same thing as prescription based Hormone Replacement therapy (HRT). Premarin which is what they use for estrogen and Provera which is what is used for progesterone have dangerous side effects and can cause cancer in 1 out 100,000 women and can lead to weight gain. They are synthetic drugs. IMO steer clear of these "drugs."

You don't say what your ages are but if your wife is already close to menopause she could be suffering from a lack of estrogen. Losing our estrogen can make sex extremely painful. The pain leads to a psychological aversion to having sex which further compounds the issues. "Things" shrink and atrophy causing the tissue in that region to thin out without estrogen. Again a doctor can help with this with estrogen suppositories or cream, pellet therapy (injected into the hip), and many other solutions. There are also over the counter suppositories that lube things up and give that region a teensey bit of estrogen (like 1% of Estrione or Estrial). There is even a procedure that uses a C02 laser that can restore that part of a woman's anatomy to it's former glory. That procedure is called The Mona Lisa Touch and it is generally not covered by insurance. It will set you back around $3000. Pain during intercourse is a silent epidemic and many woman won't discuss it with anyone - intimate partner or doctor alike. Ask your wife how sex feels for her. Try and use observation to determine if she is experiencing discomfort. For example does she try and push you away or clamp her legs up or something like that?

BTW men also start experiencing a decline in testosterone as they age. A doctor can provide a similar type of therapy in the form of bioidentical testosterone injected as a pellet. We are in a glorious age people where we don't have to suffer and our relationships don't either. Use these tools to make things better!

Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor so please consult one to get the whole story

Aaron210419 2019-03-25 01:09:24 UTC #4

I really appreciate the insight, I am nowhere near in the mindset to even begin to know what to do or where to start. Therapy is probably the way to go the hard part is working it in with our work schedules. She has no reason to be afraid of me, I have always been understanding and have never even thought about raising a hand to her. We talked a little but she's always had an issue with bottling things up and not expressing her feelings even though I have encouraged her from the start and end get that I will never judge her or get upset with her for expressing her feelings. And yes I am beyond angry and devastated that I'm finding out 5 months later and her parents are behind it. Not sure how much it matters now, but I hope menopause isn't an issues, she is 28 , I am 32. She says she has not cheated, so assuming that's true the only other thing I suspect is her birth control. It's one of those implants that are supposed to have a low chance of causing hormonal imbalance but there's always an exception.

TheProfessor 2019-03-25 02:03:15 UTC #5

@Aaron210419 I don't expect Menopause to be an issue at such a young age. Some women can experience early onset so doesn't hurt to rule out checking that out or just dinking with her birth control dosing a bit.

The bottling up of feelings makes having a strong relationship challenging. Even without this incident therapy might help with that a great deal. The therapist can feel more neutral especially if her inner voice is ruminating over stuff between the two of you.

Keep the faith. It might feel like this is about you but I assure you it is not normal for someone to trot off and get a clandestine divorce without your knowledge. That part is all her. Adopt an attitude of curiosity and a willingness to help work through the issues you share and that should help keep from escalating things until you can work out therapy. There is a great life coach out there that runs a YouTube channel called Live on Purpose. He has a lot of advice to say about kids mostly. One thing he advises parents is to take care of issues early on because eventually small stuff becomes big stuff. I think that is true in relationships in general. Make the time to see a therapist because this is important and you'll be in deeper trouble a few years down the road.