What I'm about to tell you is going to sound crazy and that is why I'm reaching out to the community to get some feedback to see if it's me being ridiculous or maybe a midlife crisis or maybe not. I got married about 17 years ago. I did so because this was the first female that was nice to me and didn't take advantage of me. I tend to be a people pleaser, and as a result, I would always fall into the friend zone. Also, all of my friends were getting married and I didn't want to be alone. I wasn't particularly attracted to her physically and emotionally we never really communicated, but she liked me and I was in my early 30's and didn't want to be alone.
My wife is not ugly, but I'm just not attracted to her physically. We have not had sex in 3+ years. I'm just not interested. . We have two girls ages 14 and 11 and I am 49 years old and she is 44. We do not communicate unless it's about the kids or money. She just refuses to answer a question. She answers a question with another question. I make good money, so that's not an issue.
Our house is always messy. She doesn't cook anything but pasta, scrambled eggs or cereal for dinner. She's horrible at budgeting and she is very passive aggressive. The reality is, she has always been this way, I just have not recognized it and have been denying it exists. She spends her time outside of the home volunteering and everyone thinks she is the greatest.
However, at home nothing is done and it drives me crazy. I have spoken to her about it and she gets upset and says it isn't true or she it blames it on the fact that she just too busy or tired to do it. We have a person who cleans for us, but she doesn't cook and she only comes once a week. I know, if I hire a person, I will just become resentful of the fact that I am paying for something that my wife could easily do.
I often think about if I were single again, what I would do differently and how I would go about choosing the right person for me. So my questions are: She says loves me and tells me often, but I can't get past the fact that the aforementioned things are very important to me (and she knows it), but she refuses to do them.
So can she really love me? Do I go to a counselor and he/she tells us to hire a person, teaches us to communicate, etc.? It still doesn't take away the fact that I'm not attracted to her. Am I being selfish for not divorcing her since I don't want to be married? Do I just suck it up for a couple of years until the kids are out of the house?