I feel trapped in my marriage.

I married this man young, I met him when we were both 15, and I dated other guys after him, but my mom only gave me an allowance to date 3 boys in total. I had no choice and her top choice was always my now husband. I was going to college but like most kids right out of high school I didn’t know what I wanted to do, and I thought I had time, and I thought I had options. But when my parents found out that we were having sex it was as if it were set in stone. I married my first boyfriend my first kiss etc. I thought that by doing so my family wouldn’t be disappointed in me and ashamed. I also thought it would be fine because he was a very gentle and sweet man. He’s my literal opposite. After a run in with depression and anxiety I hit rock bottom and I realized that I could not go about this life alone or like this. I begged God to heal me of this because I had never been a sad or anxious person. He stayed and supported me with everything. After I had an encounter with the Living God, I was totally and completely healed! All of the weight and the sadness and pain and hurt left me. and I looked at my husband like a hero for staying and putting up with the burden I had become. I appreciated him more, and I fell completely in love with him. My attitude toward him changed and I cared for this man like as if he was me and I was him, his feelings and emotions and desires and cares were mine. But the more he got his way he trampled me in his own gentle way. The more I pushed things under the rug and tried to simply forget the more resentful I became. I tried to pray and I tried to involve him but it honestly was my downfall trying to get him ‘SAVED’. I was crying most times because I felt like he just didn’t understand, and it made me sad. I know God is real, he didn’t deny it but he never either confirms nor Denies anything he pleads the 5th in most situations. He’s quiet and hardly lets me know what he’s feeling. Its been years since I started to feel less in the marriage. He tells me he loves me almost everyday. He says all the right things to get me to laugh, and I DO LOVE HIM. I have learned to look at him and separate my feelings of hurt and hate, MY HUSBAND IS HANDS DOWN ALMOST THE PERFECT GUY. besides looks lol he’s got it all. I know that I’m so fortunate but UGH when he messes up I can’t stand it. If I ever told him to please stop something that I didn’t like he would say “okay hun I’ll stop doing that” and then the very next chance he got he would do it again. I told him please stop telling embarrassing jokes about me in front of our friends, don’t make me the bit of the joke, or please stop being so sexual in front of my parents its weird and it makes me uncomfortable. I have said Don’t call my cousins HOES AND BITCHES even as a joke its not funny. WELL, he does it over and over and over again. He asks for forgiveness in private but in public its like he has a seizure and “forgets” I don’t understand that. I take that and I really do believe he just tells me what I want to hear but doesn’t care about what his actions do to me. THERES SO MUCH MORE. Lately he’s hurt me with his words. He basically called me ungrateful and made me feel undeserving of HIS work. I’m a stay at home mom, I homeschool and I clean and cook. I try MY BEST, there are times when I’m just attacked with the slug bug and I can’t get much done. I hate having to think of what to cook next so I ask him what he wants and he just never has any input, “anything” he says. We play, we have banter, we flirt, we have sex ( TOO MUCH SEX) in my opinion. but we hardly never talk about anything under the surface. Today I asked him to pick up some take out, and I was visiting with my friend next door, I was helping with her new baby and When he got home, my daughter started crying because she wanted something else for dinner. So he yelled at the top of his lungs telling her to shut up because he had a headache. He doesn’t yell often, his go to method is breathing real hard or sighing hard or scratching his head hard, or just simply shaking in rage. There has now been too many occasions where I’m literally afraid to even touch a wrong button with him. I don’t want to argue anymore. I wish he would adjust the things that hurt my feelings. IF HE ASKS ME TO DO SOMETHING in his passive aggressive way of asking for things I DO IT. he called me ungrateful because I didn’t cook or because I didn’t have the food ready to go when he got home, but I was having a play date with some friends and I didn’t want to rude so he gave me a dirty look in front of them and then basically made me feel like a low life dog for mooching off of him for “FREE”. I WISH WITH ALL MY HEART I had gone to school, I really wish I could find a job ANYTHING that would hire me for decent money. I’ve been asking him to let me go to school but he doesn’t believe that I’ll follow through with it. he has no faith in me really. ALL I’m good at is taking care of the kids cleaning and cooking. that’s what I’ve been reduced to. and I’m so sad, because I just want to contribute. I want to help and I want to feel like I’m allowed to slack off on bad days. I don’t want to feel guilty for “not” pulling my weight. I wish I could turn back the time. I’m only 28 but I feel like at 19 I made the worst decision by putting all of my eggs in one basket. For believing I had no options. FOR throwing my life away. I don’t know the answer, I don’t know the problem. I’m hurt and resentful at him right now. I love him, but I’m hating who he is becoming and who he’s turned me into. I used to be so free, and now I’m trapped.