Hello, I know this is an old post, but I found it while I was browsing this site for the first time today.
I'm glad youre sitting in your sadness, and feeling your emotions, and going through the release and the grief right now. It burns, but each time you let it out, don't you feel a bit of relief/euphoria/clarity? I hope by now you have found some normalcy again, re-connected with yourself, got the healing and found the self-love youve needed and deserved. I am sure that your mind went back and forth on so many nights in the beginning, wanting to go back even if your head told you, "no way in hell are you going back!" and preferring the fantasy over the reality of your situation.
My current husband and I are not living together and I am staying with my parents. I am nine months pregnant. I have been out of the home for about two weeks. I have not seen him since and I have banned him from the hospital and the doctor's office and any shared activities. I just had to draw a line in the sand. I had to just say, "enough is enough" especially now that my baby is on her way in about 30 days. My tears are endless but every day, every single day gets just a little better, and better. Livable, and every night is easier to pass, but I have my nights when I sit up obsessing about "why does it feel like I am the only one in pain?" "why hasn't he apologized and acknowledged all the hurt he has caused me?" "what is he really doing right now?" "Is he lying to me about the counseling/therapy he is getting?" "is he just as miserable as I am?" oh boy it is exhausting and painful and counterproductive.
I hope wherever you are, things have gotten better for you. Perhaps it will never be fully "ok", but I hope you are in a way better place than when you first posted.