Husband won't discipline his daughter- leaves it to me, and then gets angry

Hello, I am new here, I thought this looked like a great place to get some collective advise…

I am a mother to 4 of my own children ages 19-9. I also have a 10 year old step daughter. There are some behavioural issues with my step daughter. She has issues with authority, is combative, argumentative, disrespectful. It has come to the point that her mom and I finally pushed to get her into counselling. She is essentially “ripping 2 households apart” her mom’s words, not mine. Her mom’s husband has threatened to leave her if something doesn’t change- and the situation is not much different in our home. We have been together for 8 years, so I have been her step mom since she was 2. The problem is- She is extremely disrespectful, she argues, lies, causes issues on purpose ( admittedly) starts fights with all her siblings, bio or not, she targets her step dad and myself. She is having issues at school, she has been mean on multiple occasions to all of her parents.

Side note:- I have 4 kids, whom are never disrespectful- and that is not the partial mom speaking, That is fact. They know that it is never under any circumstances allowed.

My issue is that I don’t believe that as her step mom that I should be charged with her discipline- BUT- my DH has decided that they only way she will learn to respect me is if I do. So out of necessity- because he hides in the garage or is just isn’t around- I have to. He then gets angry and defends her, or makes excuses for her- there is never any discipline. He yells at her- threatens punishment, but never any follow through.

This past Saturday is a good example- She was misbehaving- arguing with me about nothing- I asked her to get ready for bed- and it was a struggle ( she claimed she didn’t have any pyjamas , even though I had done all the laundry- and I knew that she did. This is a trigger for her- she always starts arguments over this- she never has pants, or shirts, or sports bras or socks- or anything- it all magically disappears the second she is asked to get dressed.) I stated to her that I would not be arguing with her- I had asked nicely to get ready for bed, the others were doing as they were asked to, but she turned it into WW3. Tears, arguing, back talking- I refused to engage. I just reinstated what I had asked , and again, asked her to please get ready for bed. Her dad came into the house, and once he saw the situation- lost his beans. She continued on with him, and he got very angry- yelling at her, and essentially the whole situation , destroyed and otherwise nice bedtime. He somehow decided this was my fault- it was how I dealt with her, I must have said something to set her off, I shouldn’t push her…blah blah blah- she received ZERO disciplinary action for her behaviour- he laid with her, ready her a story and stayed with her until she fell asleep. When he came to bed that night- he completely ignored me. Snapped at me when I asked him a question about his plans for the following day- and then turned his back to me and went to sleep. I was up all night. The next day- he completely ignored me, or when he did speak - it was quick 1 word responses. He jumped down my throat when I was helping the girls clean there rooms- after the heard his daughter freak out that I was taking the garbage out of her room- as I did for all of them- to help them- and have always done. She lost her mind saying I was making a mess and to get out- he blamed me saying that she had asked me to leave her be- no- I was helping them clean their rooms- hers BTW- I pulled an entire bag of trash out of- including orange peels, food wrappers etc…

He hasn’t spoken to me since. He tells me that I am a bch, and a shiy step mom. He acts as if she is perfect- and it is everyone else fault that she behaves the way she does, and it has nothing to do with him.

I am at a loss as to how to deal with this- and am considering leaving.

It sounds as though you know what you have to do.
Don’t abuse yourself by staying.

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Curious did you leave him? Or did things change for the better and how did you get this to happen?