Husband hates sex

Hi all. I will try to be as brief as possible. The man I married I dated for 8 months, was engaged to for 11 months and lived with during the engagement. We were married in a beautiful ceremony. both in our 30’s, first marriage for both, no children before for either of us.

Then, on our honeymoon, I noted he would not touch me. We had sex one time and I practically had to force him. I thought…we are just settling into marriage…the pattern continued, 5 minute quickies and I became pregnant, we had sex 3 times my entire pregnancy. I delivered, I can count on one hand how many times we slept together. He was avoiding me by going to bed early or late. I stopped asking him for sex as I was tired of being turned down. I had baby number two.

That child will never know how lucky he is to be here as we had sex once in three months and I became pregnant !!! He hurt my feelings by saying that watching me give birth was one of the most disgusting things he ever saw. He also told me while I was pregnant that he didn’t want the baby. My son became ill at 8 months old and was admitted to the hospital. My husband refused to come with us and the next morning, when he realized we never came home from the er, he went to work!!!

The years passed, he could not handle money, I had to take over all the finances. When I say he could not handle money. I mean I found out he had not paid our mortghage for months and we were in danger of losing our home!!! He would not help with the kids, he doesn’t do laundry and still throws his clothes on the floor no matter how much I ask him not to as the kids are followinghis lead. He makes a mess in the kitchen but won’t clean it up, he comes home from work and spends minimal time with the kids and then goes upstairs and play’s modern warfare for hours.

Our children, who are now 11 and 9 complain to me all the time about the amount of time he spends online. So, I work 12 hour shifts at the hospital, do all the cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, homework with the kids, take them to all their doctor’s appointments and sports, handle all the money and my husband won’t touch me.

Why am I still here? I am not sure of that one. I sometimes think it is unfair that we struggled through the years with money issues and for once, he is now making a great salary so why should I have to struggle? I have asked him to go to therapy, he won’t go. I asked him to make a calendar and force himself to initiate sex with me even just once every 2 weeks!!! He does nothing but come home from work and complain about the stress level at work and then play black ops.

We just had our 13th anniversary and even though I spent the entire day running around and got home late, I bought him a card. I asked where mine was and he told me he didn’t have one. I asked him if he forgot our anniversary and he said no, he just didn’t get me anything. I am proud of the fact that I have not cheated on him but I miss being held, I miss intimacy…,.,…I wanted a partner in life and I got another child instead…so…I really am torn about what to do…

I can relate to many things including the sex issue. My stbx was that way for many years and I just grew to not expect it. I understand your giving up so as not to feel rejection. That disconnect was part of what pushed our relationship farther apart. He sounds old enough that all these things you describe he should have learned to deal with a long time ago, it’s called LIFE. My stbx also had issues dealing with the regular things we encounter at work, etc. Now as a father it disgusts me when I hear that any father doesn’t want to spend time with their kids. When I was still living in the marital home all I could wait for was to get home and see my girls. His kids should be his best stress reliever, not video games. It sounds to me like he is trying to escape a life he realized he doesn’t want. It sucks to say that but it may be true. He is not being the proper role model he should be. If he can’t live up to the standards of being a good parent he needs to go so he doesn’t influence the kids anymore in bad ways.Finally, you have said he finally has a great paying job why should you suffer. You shouldn’t have to. He has decided to not take part in the kids lives, in your life and in your marriage therefore he will have to pay you. My advocating taking his money might be odd if you knew my whole story of my stbx taking financial advantage of me, but that is what would be best for your family(you and the kids). He is not part of the family and if he wants to be he will have to change. I grew up with a dad every other weekend and it affected me. We later grew to be best friends and he became a new person. I use the knowledge he gave me in 5 short years to become the wonderful father I am today. I wish you luck with dealing with him but it is time to think about you and the kids as a family and not him. Talk to your kids, they are old enough to discuss things to an extent. It sucks and we know it. In the words of NotJulieG, We’re here for you

I have taken this man to the dr several times. He was diagnosed with depression once but would not take the meds. He was recently dosed with low testisterone and he gets weekly injections. He still is not interested in sex. I have asked him to go to therapy…he refused. I did go see a therapist who told me that if he cared for me at all, he would do something about this and that he had a pretty good life as I did everything. He told me that he didn’t advocate divorce usually but that I might need to save myself. Keep in mind he said this to me the first time he met me!!! He never met hubby!!!

When I finally got brave enough to tell my husband that I wanted a divorce, his response was, That’s not what I want. My response was, Why would you? End of story, end of marriage.