Husband has given up on life. What do I do?

I have been married for almost 4 years and I am ready for a divorce. My husband is a kind, loving and supportive husband. He is an excellent provider and always has always given me any material thing I could have wanted. He is extremely loving and is always very kind to me. So what is the problem you ask? My husband has given up on our marriage. He has given up on himself. He has given up on life.

My husband is morbidly obese and seems perfectly contented to be so. When we married, he was a “big” guy with an even bigger heart. I didn’t care about his weight. I knew there was so much more to him than just his size. I had never met someone that I had so much in common with. We had the same beliefs, morals, dreams and hopes. I knew he was the one. We dated for about a year before we got engaged and another year before we got married. During that time, we did everything together and I never knew I could enjoy life so much. I had big dreams for our future and for the first time, I could imagine having children. The future had never seemed brighter.

I don’t remember the first time I noticed how much weight he had gained, but I remember that we went to dinner one night and a woman approached us and told him he should consider gastric bypass. I knew he had gained some weight but it wasn’t until that moment that I REALLY looked. He had probably gained about 50 pounds. I suggested we start walking or start being more active. I was quickly shut down and told that he was hurt. He would love me no matter if I gained weight or not. I told him it was because I loved him that I was concerned. He was angry and defensive. I tried to be subtle and suggested physical activities like taking the dog on a quick walk. I made healthy meals. He rejected any help I offered with complaints that diets never worked for him and that he was just predisposed to being heavy and that I should be there for him no matter what. I buried my head and looked the other way.

Before I knew it, he had managed to gain 200 pounds and is now over 500 lbs. Our lives are affected in every way imaginable. I have offered help over and over only to be rejected. He claims to have it under control. Clearly this is not the case since he is continuing to gain weight. I have asked his family to help. They have not been receptive. He has been to doctors and there is nothing physically wrong with him (ie thyroid or hormone issues) but now he has high blood pressure and diabetes.

Recently, I had an affair and we have tried to recover from that. We went to therapy to deal with the affair issues but as soon as the therapy turned to his weight issue, we suddenly didn’t have any other problems and didn’t need to go anymore. I told him that the weight issues were part of why I had the affair and he promised to change. He promised to try harder to lose weight, but nothing has changed. I love him very much but I can’t continue to live like this.

I am too young to live my life like this. I know he has an addiction and I want to help him so badly, but he doesn’t think he has a problem. What do I do? I have threatened to leave unless he makes changes. I have cried, screamed, rationalized, loved, you name it but the problem continues to grow. Do I stay or go?

it seems like you don’t want to divorce, you want to do whatever it takes to help him…and having an affair or saying divorce may scare him to get help.but that didn’t work, so what are you left with?this is hard. if he really loved you, it seems he would want to try to make you happy at least. but addictions are scary things.will he compromise with you at least? see a counselor to get this started maybe?

Someitmes we have to make hard decisions in our lives. I know it hurts to see him like this. But he has to want to help himself. Until he does you may be talking to a brick wall.You may just have to make a decision that is best for you right now and follow thru on the decision you make. Take care

I have gone through the same thing only for 19 years and finally are getting a divorce. I have been reminded by several friends that, the ship is sinking, go down with it or get into a lifeboat or swim - because i can! I am still angry that he has given up on life and his kids , but , it is such a refreshing feeling going forward without the anchor pulling me down. Very sad indeed and hard. My advice, let go.I tried so hard to help when he didnt want help, special meals etc… If they don’ t help themselves not much more anyone can do. Sorry.

You have taken matters into your own hands once with the affair. And you blamed him for “forcing” you to have one. I’m sure on some level he is depressed and self destructive in his path with his eating and weight gain. Are your actions truly of love for this man? Are you accepting of this man without judgement? How did you miss his tremendous weight gain? Sometimes it takes a bit of soul searching and self realization to answer questions. Peace…

i understand how you feel but an affair is not the answer
you said that you guys have alot in common and you knew he was a big guy when you met him and he also have a big heart
if you divorce dont let it be the reason his weight gain
he still the same person that you married.
just go to counseling for yourself
but looking upside someone else
remember your vows