How to start to get past the betrayal of infidelity?

[hagan]

I’m in the beginning of the divorce process. my husband has been having an affair for a year, he just told me a month ago, and then left to be with her. she supposedly has breast cancer and he’s out there [in LA, I’m in Philadelphia] with her being the white knight or something along those lines.

clearly, I am not his first priority, and regardless of what I know, it hurts like nothing else. as much as I have good support around me, and I’m trying to move forward with taking care of myself and what needs to be done, I’m really struggling with the rejection and the betrayal.

I’m wanting to look for signs that I still mean something to him, although I know that I’ll never know what’s in his head, nor is it any of business. any words of wisdom? I could just use some support. thanks.

[iam]

The deepest pain I have ever felt, emotional or physical, was the betrayal of my ex. Back in those days, if you asked me what I was, I would answer, I’m a wife and a mother. I didn’t identify myself as a call center supervisor, although that is what my job was. I got laid off from that job of 16 yrs…and I was devastated, but I went on to find another job that paid as well. I’m still a mom, but only get to see the kiddos half the time. But I will always be the mom, so that was not so bad.But what about a wife? I was a good wife: faithful, loyal, loving and supportive. OK I admit it, I was bitchy some of the time, too, but I had stuck with that man, loving him and him alone, for over 20 years. And suddenly I find that I’m not enough for him. I am not loved in return. I am treated with hatred and meanness. My title of Wife was stripped from me. I was lost. How could I have been something for over 20 years and now I’m not just because he decides he wants to have sex with someone off of craigslist? I lost a big part of my identity. I felt like I had been living a lie. I felt stupid for having missed the signs. I felt worthless. How could everything we’d built and lived through together be thrown aside for some other woman?Like Rick mentioned, Divorce Care is great. So is individual therapy. And above all else, it takes time.

[halfmagic]

I understand. We all do. For me after 40 years of marriage he decided he needed to follow a new path. He wanted to be happy the rest of his life. I had taken care of my own elderly parents and his parents as he was out of state for his job a lot. Monitoring their appts and healthcare. He started a new life. I noticed he wasn’t happy - and asked -he didn’t know how they were going to tell me3 1/2 years later - I’m divorced. I would not trade my old life for the new. Even though I was blindsided by this and was comfortable in my former life - I am busy now with new interests, new friends. Not that I wasn’t upset at first - heart palpitations, anxiety, waking up middle of night, pacing, lost weight. Got the lawyer, the financial planner and the therapist. Guilt, loss of self esteem - a victim. I resolved not to be. The best revenge is leading a better life - that I truly believe. I really don’t know if he feels his life is better now but - he lives in a house with and owned by his gf 87 year old mother, His gf is married and has a job that isn’t that reliable that’s why she lives with mom. Quite a threesome. Losers - both of them. Shame on them for involving an elderly mom in their deceptions. As he said we grew apart - unfortunately I was too busy with the elderly parents to notice. Three words you will see a lot of on this site - time will heal_ believe it!

[bluebird]

Remember when you were a kid and you finally realized that no matter what you did, some day you would die? How did you get past that? Most of us learned to concentrate on other things.Divorce is the death of a marriage. His infidelity killed my spirit. It is horrible. Most of us are here because the pain is still there. If it didn’t still hurt, we wouldn’t visit this site any more. You can deal with divorce the way you dealt with knowing you would die. It is there, but it is not where your attention is focused. Imagine that you are an awareness deep in the ocean. Your thoughts, feelings, even body are on the surface. Even if it’s a hurricane and raging winds and waves up there, you are the awareness that has thoughts and emotions. The storm of emotions are not you, the thoughts are not you. You are the awareness that has thoughts and feelings and you don’t have to let them affect you. You get to chose what you think. You get to chose how you feel. You get to pick and chose what emotions you will have. You get to chose what you feel about other people. You get to chose what you think of their opinion of you. Getting to a good place is your choice. It is a very difficult journey, since most of us think we simply have thoughts and feelings. It is hard to learn to pick and chose, but when we do, life is so much easier. It has been a long journey for me and I have not reached the end. I feel I got through the valley and walked to the top of the hill, just to see taller hills in the distance that I know are hiding mountains. Take one step and one step and one step. Meditation helps a lot, just clearing your mind of all thoughts and feelings, just being. At the first it’s easiest to concentrate on just one thing, maybe one word, since no thought takes a lot more focus. Then you can begin to think clearly when your thoughts aren’t raging.