How to deal with my kid's step mom

[lspalm]

My ex husband married a woman who seems very nice. My problem is anger over the fact that someone (her) came along to save him when he really doesn't deserve anyone's help.

She is good to my kids, but has never once reached out to me to set up ground rules, anything. It's like she's afraid of me and what I will tell her about him (makes me think of the phrase "if you are afraid of the answer don't ask the question". Should I reach out to her to have a chat?

[timless]

Don’t assume you know why she hasn’t reached out and don’t assume she “saved” him. Assumptions about where he is emotionally and what their relationship is or isn’t really not or any of your business now that you two are divorced. Afterall…..you’re the Mom and I would ask why in the world you haven’t established some sort of relationship with her? You’re the mom for heaven’s sake. The fact that she is great with your kids puts you in an enviable position. You have no idea how blessed you are that your kids are well cared for when with their Dad. As far are “reaching out” to her…..absolutely! You set the tone, many of the ground rules and much of the overall expectations for the care and parenting of your children. She will, hopefully, take her que from you (especially if she’s not an experienced parent). You need her as an ally. My suggestion is, take your focus off your ex and his relationship and keep it squarely on your kids. Count yourself lucky to have a warm and caring adult helping to raise your kids. I have great love and respect for my ex’s new wife. My daughter adores her and they have a wonderful bond that takes a great burden off my co-parenting shoulders. I do all I can to support t

[calloway]

I think I see why you two are divorced. The entire tone of your post is that you're upset that you can't control him anymore. You may believe he really doesn't deserve anyone's help, but she married him, so obviously she thinks differently. Most married couples do help each other. It's great that you can acknowledge that she is good to your kids. As the others have stated here, if you have a problem with anything she does or says around your kids, you need to take the step to reach out to her. Don't expect her to be a mind reader and reach out to you. That is not fair to either of you.I'm worried about your phrase It's like she's afraid of me and what I will tell her about him. If you want to talk about legitimate concerns for your children when they are in her care, by all means, call her. However, if you want to trash him, please don't. She won't care. She probably already suspects what your opinion of him is. After all, you two are divorced. If you got along, you'd still be married. She understands this. By trashing him, you'll only make yourself look bad.

[mike1493]

I'm going to disagree with the other posters.How do you deal with your kids' stepmom? You don't.You and your ex are the co-parents. There is no reason for you to set ground rules with his new wife. Her role, as step-parent, is the same as any other adult that your co-parent allows around his kids. Which is, they support the parent's position. So if there are ground rules to be set, it is with him, not her.The co-parenting ground rules have to do with communication and scheduling. Pick ups, drop offs, medical issues, phone time with the kids. As others said, you don't talk to her about bed times or menus any of that. His house, his rules (and if he lets her make rules, that's his perogative).The time will come that you and the stepmom are at a school event or something together. It will be awkward. Be polite and make small talk if you can manage it. That's about it.

[ric3]

Don't do it. Your anger is yours alone. She doesn't deserve to be hit with venom, especially if she's a good person. And she's good to your kids. Be thankful he didn't find someone who treats your kids badly.