How to Cope with his affair and her having a baby!

[Luke2011]

I am so sorry to hear that you are also going through a similar situation, I am glad I joined this online group support as yes, people who has not been through this will not fully understand. Focus on what is best for you and your kids, it's hard and there is no easy way aroung it. I wish you all the best for the future as you deserve so much better!

[Jclay]

Hello ladies. I just joined this group mainly because I just don’t understand my own life sometimes. Well here it goes. Long story short. I have 4kids I’m also now pregnant (yes this will be my last) my first child who is 11 I had a 16 with a neighbor sweetheart that didn’t last long. Me Nd my boyfriend fiancé kids dad(sometimes I don’t know what to call him) have 3 and 1 on the way tho he does claim my oldest child before him. Been together almost 10 yrs now. We have had major fights on and off but our worse one was last year and he gave me a ultimatum to choose him or his mother. Mind yu we’re from Minnesota moved to Texas we’re living with his mom n Texas till we got it together. But one thing bout him he can be a drunk not a Normal drunk I mean drink for breakfast lunch an dinner. Well him Nd his mom we’re always fighting I never chose sides he’s her only child I just stayed out of it. One day he says it’s me or her I chose her. Cause here is this unstable drunk sometimes to drunk to watch the kids so I can work or get himself up for work or not even making enough to help pay bills smh so he started hanging in the streets every nigh an it was getting bad and when he was sober he would come home from work start a fight just to storm out the door or ask me at awkward hours let’s go hang out n leave the kids on grandmas who works at 5:00am without asking and I always turned him down plus by now I just hated him well One day he sleeping I go through his phone and there it was some 19yr old girl from Texas stealing his heart begging for sex and they talked about sexual events me and him never done I’m 28now he’s turning 33 this year well I confronted him and he got pissed and since this girl was still living with her grandma he couldn’t live with her I assumed and his mother wouldn’t let me put him out she just said IGNORE him smh months later I’m tormented and at the same time begging for him to stop but it was too late she was pregnant and now this baby is here I finally move when I got my taxes this year I got a huge 4bedroom beautiful home and for the first 3months he begged for
Forgiveness he seemed to have changed he was working he no longer had the Tahoe I purchased for him while we were together (which I’m sure made her think he had it all) needless to say I let him back in my life I was being told now this baby isn’t his Nd he hasn’t seen the baby since he was born of course I fell for it’s. Things seemed to get back on track a month later I’m pregnant Nd were shocked but still happy we found out in may the other day he comes home from work Nd I see 3missed calls from this number I remember it was her. I asked has he talked to her he said no but now she’s calling and asking for things I’m trying to be a woman about this I just sometimes get stuck in a daze and can’t help thinking bout her i don’t know what to do sometimes I love him I believe he loves me but my life is a mess.
Sure I’m leaving things out I probably made this too short because the time frames r off I was just tryna get to point but I guess when yu think yur life is bad just know someone is going thru worse n I know it’s me

[cscasting]

Hi there,

My name is Courtney Scarpelli and I'm a Producer with Sirens Media, a television production company with offices in New York City and Los Angeles. We are owned by ITV America and have created a number of programs for various networks such as Netflix, A&E, and TLC.

We are currently developing factual programming for a major television network featuring powerful stories of people who have discovered that they have second families. From a child who discovered their father had another family, to a spouse who's found their partner leading a secret life, we're interested in sharing the point of view of individuals who've learned that they have family members that they never knew existed. We are sensitively working with individuals who have had this experience and also consulting experts in this field. The project will encourage these brave individuals to share their stories with the goal of having a positive outcome for their family.

If you are interested in being involved or want to hear more, please contact me at Courtney.Scarpelli@itv-creative.com.

Thank you so much, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Best,
Courtney

[Lkam73]

I am in the same situation but on the opposite side. I’m the other woman. I was never in love with my child’s father, He was just a distraction and someone cool to talk to. Anyway I do not want him involved in my child’s life. He will start paying child support pretty soon, but I’m not planning on getting in the way of his marriage or his 3 kids. His wife can keep him I don’t want him. He needs to continue to pretend my child does not exist, he also needs to focus on repairing his marriage; but by law he’s obligated to contribute financially to my child and pay the court ordered child support. When my child gets older I will have to explain to my child why her father is not around. My child is better off never meeting her father. I also do not want his wife thinking that her husband and I are still involved and possibly hurting me or my child. I know how a jealous wife could be and she will always resent my child and do something drastic.. I’m glad that I will never have to worry about my child’s father wanting shared custody in order to lower his child support payments. He is so angry that I have his baby. Even though DNA results proved he’s the father, he was still denying the child is his. My child’s father can no longer run and he cannot escape his financial responsibility any longer.

[mary3]

been 2 months since my husband and i last saw each other. i decided to move away. he is now living with the other woman who is 5 months pregnant. the other woman had an affair with my husband while her own husband is working overseas. i dont know but i still would accept him if he would come back to me and our 2 kids. the other woman always fetch him at work though and seemed to be enjoying their time together as expecting parents

[Vulid]

My husband cheated about 8 months after we were married. I didn’t find out until the baby was already two months old. When he told me, he was ready to end the marriage possibly foreseeing what I couldn’t at the time. We stayed together and I tried very very hard to save our marriage. At first his child was a secret so it was easy to act like she didn’t exist, but with time he told his family and I told mine. I was incredibly embarrassed but i stood by him. I ensured a DNA test was done, and when it came back it was his, I did the right thing and told him he needed to be responsible for his child. I put the best interest of that child ahead of my own and years later I am paying the consequences. You will never forget his infidelity; every time he speaks to the other woman, you will wonder if there is something more and drive your self crazy; you will never trust him the same again; no matter how GOOD of a person you are, you will at some point resent the child because it keeps your husband and the other woman bound for life; you will check his phone any time you can; your money will go to supporting this child YOU had no choice in bringing to this world... I could go on and on. I tried almost 5 years and even attempted being her “friend” so that she would contact me instead of him, but she didn’t stop, and my mind got the best of me. It’s your choice if you want to give it a try, but know that it will be a difficult journey and for it to work and NOT cause you more heartache, there has to be completel transparency between you and your husband. I got to the point where I was done living in fear that he would cheat again, I was done having to be reminded of being cheated on, I was done feeling insecure about myself; questioning where I had failed. But I didn’t, he did. I was done being angry at the other woman and finally got angry at my husband, because even though he didn’t choose to have this child, he still had intercourse with another woman, unprotected and didn’t care how it would affect me emotionally and potentially physically if she had some type of disease. It took me 4 years for this to click in my head... so take YOUR time and do what is best for YOU. Leaving him will be hard, maybe the hardest thing you’ll have to do, but your true happiness is worth it. I love my husband still, and possibly always will, but I want a better life for myself.

[HaniP]

Just remember, you, like the selfish husband of the innocent woman, wife and mother of his children, are no shining example of a good person. Instead of berating the innocent wife, you should be concentrating your efforts on finding a solution so your equally innocent daughter can build a relationship with her half siblings and deceitful father

[HaniP]

You are indeed a good person, so deserving of a better life. Having tried to make things work for so many years is testament of that. NO ONE can say you never tried. Regret will not be yours to harbor. Your STBX will come to know what he so foolishly lost.

[HaniP]

I thing is for sure. You and your child will have to share his attention with them. You will also be sharing his bed. I think you deserve more for you and your child. Something he can no longer, or perhaps , has never been able to provide. Safety and unconditional love..

[HaniP]

That is because he is playing you. Surely you can see that.

[HaniP]

I pray that things have worked out for you and your daughter.

[Herbuggy]

I found out that my husband of ten years had an affair with a girl literally half his age and she became pregnant within in the first two weeks. She openly omits to using a conception kit. My husband and I were having problems connecting and were taking an emotional break from each other when the affair occurred. My husband came clean about it after they found out their "big news." My husband is thrilled about the baby because I could not conceive naturally, and this baby :will be his." He left our family (adopted child included) to live with her now. After two months, he said he realized that he still loved me but he wants to stay with her for the baby. I am still very much in love with my husband as hurt and betrayed as I am. I talk to him daily when she isn't around like I am the dirty mistress now. I miss him so much. I could even forgive this and accept the baby but he now he says that he is confused because he feels that he may be in love with her now too because she conceived his child. I am unable to afford therapy now with supporting our family on my own. I am hoping that someone can help.

[MGL]

Experiencing similar. I’m not sure I have advice for you other than to take it day by day and know you’re not alone in this struggle.

How is it that you can build a life for years and it all be wiped away from you by someone who seems so insignificant - until they tell you they’re in love with them. Then the question that pops up for me is “but you love her more than me?!” I swear I can feel my heartbreak every day.

[GMom]

I'm also the other woman. I didn't know he was married but his reaction was exactly the same as your child's father. My child is hated by her father and his wife. I have had to pursue support in which he pays me now but is about 13k behind. He has never asked to meet her. His wife calls her "the affair child" instead of by her name. Despite our court order barring third party interference regarding discussing our child's care--she consistently responds to the emails I send addressed to her husband. I was told by her that they have agreed I am not to communicate directly with my child's father regarding our child's care, despite our order specifically mentioning our need for civil cooperation regarding communication. I am also constantly reminded that though I didn't know he was married--I chose to keep the baby after I found out he was married. They remain married--to which I feel if you can accept and forgive the person who was to be faithful to you and uphold your vows, your "for better or worse" should include the innocent child involved. There are truly some evil people in this world. And I don't and might not ever understand some of their motives. I am torn between trying to facilitate something down the road--for my daughters sake. So I can tell her i did everything I could. I wish his wife would give him the opportunity to think and feel of his own accord without the insecurity that it will drive him away from her--regarding our child and him having a relationship. But they are sick people, and I honestly am mostly relieved that he gave me full legal and physical of her.

[Msfreeman]

I understand you hurt but I’m In the same boat except she knew about my family which makes both him and her wrong. ( the cheaters) now in the wife case I understand her and her feelings solely due to the fact that her main concern is her family and her family only and yes she took him back but most likely he wanted his family as well and now he has to accept and understand that yes it’s an innocent baby but the wife is innocent too! So yes it is for better or worse but it’s for better or worse what they agree on so if she doesn’t want you to contact him it’s because she doesn’t want to have to feel like you guys have anything thing going on even if it is over some hurt takes time and maybe it will always be that way but if he wants his family with her that’s his worse he has to live with and it’s sad that the baby has to go thru this but some decisions are hard and not everyone wins but the positive side is you took steps so that when time comes you have the right mind to show and tell her about what took place and knowing you did nothing wrong. But understand also when you knew he was married and you decided to keep that baby you also knew the possibility of what could happen that wife matters also and his family. He has to live with his mistakes not her she just like you is trying to cope with the person who hurt and tore her family apart . I would love y’all more I’m trying to learn myself I was the spouse who this also was done to and wanna learn both sides

[Msfreeman]

My children father of 13 years cheat with a girl for almost three years and going into the third we broke up and 30 days later she was pregnant! When we found out it was his I was broken he wants to work things out and in between time we had a son which the side chick was mad about and had her words to him about it! Now I never once said anything to her about her sleeping with him while we were together. One day she seen me at the store with my children and decided to tell me while rubbing her belly they were having a. Hold infront of my children and she was his girlfriend. Well he swears he wants our family back and will do whatever it takes. I personal want nothing to do with the baby nor for him to if he wants to be with me since she knew about me and for years did not respect my family as for him to now he says he was willing to cut all ties and even sign over rights because he wants to marry me which he has been asking for years but I been saying no because I felt he needed to work on things and himself at this point we’re taking steps towards bettering ourselves and head towards the ale but I once again don’t want anything to do with the baby oh and yes we have three kids of our own and I don’t want them involved in this mess. I’m just looking for help and understanding

[Findingpeace19]

HI. I'm willing to accept private messages from anyone going through this as I am dealing with this myself and could use some support or someone to vent with. I see the original poster posted this in 2017. I wonder how OP is doing now.

My story is very similar except I have no children of my own. The knowledge that my husband cheated and produced a child with someone else completely tore my world apart and led me into a deep depression that I am still dealing with. The pain and trauma is much less now than it was 3 years ago but it is still a daily emotional struggle for me.

To all of you who are going through this and have just made your discoveries, please expect that you will be dealing with this pain for a while but take comfort in the fact that time will slowly but surely heal you. Don't try to sweep the pain under the rug, deal with it fully and completely. You will come out of it much stronger and will have the ability to forgive and move on.

After 3 years of discovering the affair and baby I still struggle with how unfair it is that if we do stay married and have a child together, my first child will never be his first child like I had planned. He doesn't see the affair baby in person very often but the other woman video chats with him and the baby and sends pictures. He brags about how pretty and smart the affair baby is and it absolutely kills me. If I do stay with him and we have a child together will my baby be second best? Will my baby be less special to him if he/she doesn't measure up to his other child? I wonder if I should even bother having any children at all.

When we were dating my husband told me that he only wanted one child and hoped she would be a girl. He got what he wanted, just not with me.

The only thing that is helping me to survive is 1. My faith in Jesus Christ, 2. My refusal to be a victim in this situation.

To everyone struggling with this, no matter what, always remember that you are not responsible for the affair. It was your own husband's weakness and inability to communicate with you that led to this but you can still work on improving yourself and focus on living your best life. Your pain is real and will last for a while but you can overcome this by living your life as a survivor. Claim your recovery today.

Despite what you are going through, you still have a life to live, so make a plan to live your best life while you work through this difficult time. You are not a victim. You are a strong, capable, powerful woman who will recover from this in time.