We kept going longer and longer without sex. Last time was when she was pregnant with our second child, who was almost six by the time I moved out of the house, after initiating the divorce proceedings.
We went to five different therapists. They would recommend working with her. She would get upset and quit therapy. The first one was too far away, the second one was trying to break us apart, the third one disrespected her, the fourth one said she did not need therapy (a lie, she recommended we go to another one), the fifth one told her (again a lie) she did not need therapy.
I used to cry out of frustration, and was depressed. Used to have neck pain all the time. She was very nice to everyone but me. No one would have believed how cruel she could be. There was no sex, but the worst was that there were no kind words. She would criticize me all the time. It was better when she went was in therapy, but then she would come up with an excuse to quit. She would accuse me of saying horrible things to her. I taped her once, and told her she had insulted herself and became angry when I did not go for the distraction. She never listened to the tape, and never allowed me to tape her again.
I learned about gaslighting, and how maddening it can be to the victim: Someone tells you over and over again that things did not happen as you recall.
In therapy, she confessed that she felt if she did not oppose me at the most inconsequential things, she would disappear. One therapist said she had abandonment issues, because her father left, and she saw me as her father, and kids don't have sex with their parents. As a matter of fact, her behavior would have made sense if my forty years old soon to be ex-wife had been instead my fifteen years old daughter.
The last year was the worst. We were sleeping in separate rooms, and would tell our kids it was because daddy snored and did not let mommy sleep. She would ignore me completely, texting on her phone. She would be smiling at a reunion and frown as soon as we were alone.
At a friend's suggestion, I got access to her Facebook account. I discovered she was having an emotional affair with a guy almost half her age, an unemployed "spiritual guru". She referred to me as "the father of my kids", without calling me her husband or calling me by my name on the messages. That's when we filed for divorce.
I finally left after one night she became upset and insulted me, and I told her she was trying to make me get physical, and I never would, but if she did not back off I would call the cops.
After several years of divorce, I have to maintain a good relationship with her with the kids. I try not to show interest on anything, as soon as she feels I really want something, she does the opposite. It's still very frustrating, but at least I don't live like that everyday anymore.
I mourn the marriage, I liked the good moments (when in therapy), but I know I am a lot better some years after the divorce.
