How Do You Know It's Time To Separate?

I remember when I was struggling with the question. How do I know if I should separate? Should we get a divorce? I remember when I realized that this very question was beginning to consume my mind. I had two little kids. How am I supposed to just give up on my family I wondered.

Eventually I asked my Dad, who had been divorced from my mom for many years, how did he know. He answered in a way I’ve never forgotten. He told me that I would know when the bad memories began to wipe away the good ones. He said sometimes issues in a marriage are like cancer. If it’s an issue that is fundamental, it will eventually just spread through the marriage like cancer can through a body.

Once that starts happening, it can be pretty hard to remember what the good memories are, or why you even got married. I tucked that piece of advice away. I tried to focus on the good memories so that the bad ones couldn’t take over. Somehow it just didn’t work.

One morning, I literally fell out of bed trying to make sure my then husband didn’t touch me. I realized then that we might be at the point of no return. I began figuring out how I might make it on my own financially. Once I had a plan, it seemed I never looked back. I realized that if I wanted to salvage some kind of decent parenting relationship, that I was going to have to separate and get some space before the bad memories turned us into bitter, angry, vindictive people. So I did.

It wasn’t easy, and to this day I occassionally wonder if I gave up too easily. I don’t think so, and if I’d pushed on, I would have likely wound up with an enemy instead of just an ex-husband. I can live with it. After all, the bad memories outweighed the good ones, but they didn’t wipe the slate clean. We all survived, and I’m thankful.

I have recently become an empty-nester. I have been dreading the day because my life revolved around my daughter. As expected, I am pretty depressed/disappointed about my marriage. We have been leading pretty independent lives but my child’s activities were an easy way to hide the truth and create distance between ourselves by focusing on other things. My wife seems perfectly happy with our current status, the status quo. So I am questioning whether my happiness is more important than keeping things as is. Those 2 concepts are mutually exclusive. Staying means I am not happy and being happy is not going to happen at my house!. Is happiness overrated?

I have been with my husband for 25 years. Things have never really been good. We got married because I became pregnant with twins as a teenager. I really tried for many years to get him to be a father and a husband. He was verbally abusive for most of those years. He was unfaithful to me in 2003. That same year I discovered that he had been using cocaine. We went to counseling and the affair and drugs ended. My children are now all grown and for the most part started their own lives. I feel so empty and do not feel like I love him or have ever loved him like a wife is supposed to love her husband. He is and has always been very dependent on me. He says that he has no one but me. I think his love is a dependency love. Now that he knows that I want out he is trying to fix something I have been asking him to fix for years and he didn’t care then. I am still young and may have a chance to have real love in my life. I am confused. I feel very sorry for him and worried that I am making the wrong decision. How do you know?

I have been married 4 years and this is my 2nd marriage, no children from either. I’m almost 50. For me, I think it’s time to separate when you don’t ‘like’ your spouse anymore. You may love them and will always have a place in your heart for them but you don’t like them as a person. I think you know you need to ‘get the hell out’ when the sound of their car door closing means they’re walking in the house any minute and you will shortly lose yourself; they will suck all your energy. Its like an emotional, toxic vampire draining your blood just to communicate with them in a decent manner. You can feel the tension in your shoudlers and GOD FORBID they try to rub your neck or touch you! You are almost repulsed! I truly believe they sense how you feel; like a dog that senses when you’re not a ‘dog person’. They seem to follow you around more and ask more annoying questions like how was your day? What do you want to do tonight? and you want to scream: WHERE THE HECK HAVE YOU BEEN?? Where were you when I needed you? When I needed a husband? Why are you bothering me now?? Its time to leave when you have so much anger from conflicts never being resolved and you keep bringing up old wounds yet he still cant apologize or acknowledge all the pain is due to him not wanting to participate in a marriage. When there is no empathy on his part and you realize there never was, its time to leave and begin loving yourself. You are already alone in the marriage. Now it’s just about getting distance from the DIS- ease! Marrying a narcissist is some form of karma I dont wish on anyone. I will learn from this and look forward to getting healthy and perhaps spending the rest of my life with my dog. Which doesnt bother me in the least. At least now I will receive unconditional love

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It totally worth it!!!… Luck ran into me and I got help with nord. I’m sharing this because someone out there might just be going through same and needs help. Clear your doubts hon, then decide whether to stay or leave.
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