How do I get the lover to stop texting my wife?

[wrecked]

My wife had an affair last summer, since then we have patched up our marriage and are moving forward. I believe she truely loves me, has choosen our family and it is over with her lover. I know he is obsessed with her and contiues to call and text her. Within the last month she has not talked to him. She says she deletes his texts. hard to prove but I want to believe her, but i'm afraid.

We have talked about this concern I have and I don't want them to be friends. I feel like calling him and asking him what he wants, leave her alone! but I don't know if it would help anything. My wife says she will handle it... Any suggestions on how to X the X?

[mike1493]

Simple. Swap phones with your wife.It is simple to update close friends and family with the new numbers, and others you can simply relay the message or update them if they call.If you don't want to go that far, do this: Take your wife's phone and text her ex-lover: This is (your wife's) husband. This is now my phone. Please stop texting me.I know she says she's handling it. But she's not--at best she's ignoring him and hoping he will go away. Her phone records should indicate whether she is talking to him or replying to his texts. I understand why she would want to delete his texts--they could be embarrassing for her and hurtful to you if you read them.But the reality is, even if she does not reply, she gets a little thrill every time he texts--because it lets her know he still wants her. If she really wants to save the marriage, she needs to at least allow you to send the text above, if not switching phones. Seriously.And if his number starts popping up on her new number (your old number) you'll know she's still in contact.

[2ndtimearound]

I'm sorry but my feeling is that your wife like's the fact that she's still getting texts from this man. My experience showed me that where there is a will there is a way. She could straight out tell him that she wants nothing to do with him and is working on her marriage. She can respond by saying that. You need to ask yourself why she doesn't. I thought my husband and I were working on our marriage but behind my back he was sneaking around calling the ow. Needless to say I feel like it was six months wasted. Don't waste anymore time trying to heal because once I found this out it hit me like a ton of bricks and I am right back where I was when he broke my heart the first time. Please get the truth, although it hurts sometimes it's better that not knowing.

[dactyl]

As others have stated, there isn't much you can do. But, one thing I would suggest is, sitting your wife down, explaining how it makes you feel that he still texts or calls, and that you'd like it to stop. Obviously, her approach isn't working. Is this harsh? Yes. Will she get defensive- you bet she will. However, if she is truly committed to being with you, she will do what it takes to truly get his guy out of her life. She will probably accuse you of not trusting her. Well, given her history, she's right. You may have to be very blunt with her. But, be gentle. You may have to phrase it like this- I love you very much and want our marriage to work. However, because of what has gone on in the past, sometimes I have a very difficult time moving past it. I want to totally trust you, but this lack of action is not making it easy. I also have suggestions of what she can say to him- since I had issues with a couple of guys I dated after my divorce was finalized. I hope this helps. Good luck, my friend!

[Rainbow1]

She’s clearly not handling it well enough! She might like the attention and there’s a part of her that doesn’t want to let go. Or she might be trying to let him go gently so as not to hurt his feelings and start over with you. I can see this because I was (without knowing the ow in a recent relationship) I was dating a man whom I thought was single for 2 & 1/2 yrs When I found out he was living with someone and had step children, I broke it off. However there are strong feeling & although it’s wrong, we are still in contact via our phones and miss each other. We are unlikely to get back together as he lives far away and it’s too complicated which is a good thing as it MUST end. the thing is, feelings don’t just disappear.

Also the main issue for me is I need to detach from this man in order to heal and move on with my life. So what I’m saying here is it sounds like there could still be strong residual feelings between them. She might be trying to let him down lightly so that he doesn’t get too hurt and start over with you again. I thought I would reply to this to show another perspective.

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