How do I deal with my first failed romance after my divorce?

[btrdazahd]

Tonight, my significant other and I ended an intense 9 month relationship. I am absolutely devastated! When I got divorced, I swore off men, as I had little or really no interest in ever getting into another relationship. However, this guy entered my life and we really hit it off.

At first, I told myself I was just having fun and deserved it, but soon I started having real feelings for this man even though there were some warning signs. Now, I'm an emotional wreck...I was ready to devote myself to this man.

He, on the other hand, seems less affected by the outcome of our courtship.I'm just so very sad and feel like a fool, as well.

[iam]

Ya know, I LOVED being married. I loved the financial security, the ability to work jobs around the kids' schedules (because I didn't need a higher-paying job with benefits), having someone there to take care of things I didn't want to (like building a new deck), and having someone always there to help me raise the kids. I miss having someone to listen to me when I'm crabby. I miss having someone to rub my lower back when I have my period...and the list goes on. I am a very social person and I have no doubt that I will end up in another long-term relationship if I don't end up getting married again.The thing is, I really don't like my ex. He cheated on me, accused me of horrible things, and liked to spend money on himself and no one else. So I had to leran to separate the two: one is the relationship itself. The other is the partner. It sounds like you were more enamored of the relationship than the partner. That's why we ignore those pretty red flags. Because we want so badly for the relationship to work. DO NOT settle for a lesser partner just to get the perks of the relationship. Mourn the good parts and learn from the bad parts. You will be stronger and smarter because of it.

[devandlib]

You have said a lot in a short paragraph! I will address each point.You said When I got divorced, I swore off men, as I had little or really no interest in ever getting into another relationship.I say: This statement tells me you were not healthy enough emotionally and still quite angry. You needed (and need still) to get your self together and heal from your previous relationship's anger before you start another relationship. You're making it very hard on yourself to heal from further hurt.Moving on to new relationships will require you to be strong and see what is right and wrong FOR YOU. You say At first, I told myself I was just having fun and deserved it, but soon I started having real feelings for this man even though there were some warning signs. I say: The fun was fine and I'm sure you deserve lots of fun! And of course you started having feeling! You were lonely and he surprised and delighted you by being fun.You say: Now, I'm an emotional wreck...I was ready to devote myself to this man. I say: Yes, the original hurt was still raw. You were very vunerable. I don't think this relationship would have been good for you in the long run. If you were ready to devote myself to this man, I have to ask, did you really know him? Had you met his family? His friends? Had your friends and family met him? Was he right for you? Or was he convenient? Ultimately I think he did you a favor. You now have the time to heal (how long that takes is completely up to you, I wouldn't recommend consulting, just time and some good supportive friends!)You say: He, on the other hand, seems less affected by the outcome of our courtship.I'm just so very sad and feel like a fool, as well.I say: How he seems affected by the breakup is irrelevant. Worry about YOU! Not him! I'm sure you're sad. I've been there. Don't feel the fool! I went on to learn from my mistakes and have found a MARVELOUS MAN after my mistake. U will B GREAT

[militaryp]

You learned that you can have a good time with someone other than your ex. You learned that you value yourself enough that you have certain standards in how you are treated. You learned to let yourself care, even if it didn't end up the way you wanted it to. You also learned that you can trust your instincts (you saw the red flags) and that maybe you should listen to them. The experience overall can still be a positive one if you look at what you are taking away from it. I am sorry that you are hurting though, give yourself some time to sort through that.

[AllyEden1111]

I experienced a similar occurence. I still don't know what I was thinking but I had a friendship history with my post-divorce S.O. 3 months after my ex husband and I split I got involved. I saw alot of 'yellow flags but couldn't quite figure out what was really bothering me. I think I knew subconsciously I wasn't ready to move on from the divorce, but he played the role so well of everything I had lacked in marriage. Things got so out of hand. I am healing now. But I feel awful. My heart is more closed than walking away from the marriage. Self-esteem is pretty shot. Trying to work on the self-love thing but it's like a foreign language. I feel out of touch with myself and disconnected like the way I used to define 'me' has changed entirely. After 2 months of crying everyday, I've stopped feeling like I NEED him back in my life and started gradually accepting them as they are. I'm sorry you went through that. I can't offer much advice. But I hope you find being.