Déjà vu! Your post ring in volume as my sons. I read each word you wrote and knew I had been there a watched it all fold out before me exactly has you describe your experience. Word for the word.
I had just sat down to dinner when my oldest son called. We haven’t been in touch as much since his wedding, another story time, so I was surprised that he called and asked for me. His voice was weak as he began to speak. He asked me what I was doing which I immideatly thought was strange. I answered then asked him for the reason of his call followed by is all ok. That’s went his voice cracked and I could hear him holding back from breaking down in tears. He said to me,”mom, she’s left me. She’s gone. She said she was went happy and that she needed to find herself.” I was as shocked as he and crushed for him having to experience this pain that I too was so very familiar with. I qsk d him to tell me you hat had happened and if there had been any problems prior between them leading to this. He said that he had no idea and her actions were completely out of knowhere. In his shaken voice he begins to tell me details of her leaving. As he shared his words of anguish my heart just sank further and further. Here is my oldest son have loved only this person ever and experiencing a pain that I can only describe as the pain of death. And at the same time I have to tell him that he will survive. His word continued slowly as I continued to hear them. I passed him to ask about the reason she felt she needed to go away to find herself. He said that’s was how she ended it before she went out the door. He also said that after her words he said this to her, “please wait, I want to come to. Please take me with you. I want to help you find you. Can I help. You don’t have to look alone, please take me with you to find you, please.” You can’t imagine how far my heart sank into my chest when he shared that with me. I was beyond crushed knowing how sincere those words from him were. Anyone who could still walk away after those word were spoken must be as cold as stone. How could she I thought.
Now moving along. About 3 months and much mind game playing later I decided to share my own realization that I had when going through the same pain with his father years prior. This is what I want to share here with all of you.
I to was walked out on. I was crushed beyond words and lost hopelessly. I moved in with my mother and I it’s her help I began to place foundation back under me. Everyday was a battle between a heavy heart full of grief and sadness from the rejection it felt and fear of the future. I also realized that my heart, although hurt was still carrying this heaviness of love That I continued to have for this person. It was tortures for me to continue to feel such love. I repeated over and over again to my mothers lecturing me about moving thru this and every time I feel back on the word, “but I love him!. Every single time! Then out of know where it hit me one day. It the mist of my plea to my moms word I feel back on my usual but I live him defence. But this time I actually heard my self and something hit me. All of this he sudden I realized that this jurk had forgotten something. That’s ass had left behind with me to carry the his burden call Love. He walked out and forgot to take it with him. Now I have it and don’t know what the hell im display to do with it. Just then I paused and thought,” it by do anything with it. Nobody said that I couldn’t continue to love. It was obviously in me and it was mine and had always been mine. So pick it up, accept it and continue to feel it and stop fighting it. I realized that although this person I loved had left the love I had for him had not. This did not mean that when she left the live should have followed but that he needed to understand within myself how to be ok it’s that love emotion I continued to have for him. So I did. I then and there accepted the emotions I had and accepted that loving someone doesn’t mean that I had to be with them and just because there gone doesn’t mean I had to stop loving them. I could go on. I also realized that this was something that no other could take from me. It was mine all mine and no matter what another could do it would always be mine. I went on from that day a stronger person, and I survived. Then one day years later I had noticed something felt different within me. I realized I had put down the heavy weight I carried called Love Nd I forgot to pick it up. I left it behind me and bade the even missed it until now. And believe it or not I was ok with it that. And ai mover then survived! I learned, I grew and I learned that I would one day Love again.