Hard to admit i'm a serial cheater..don't want to hurt anymore

hard to admit I’m a serial cheater…don’t want to hurt anymore I am a 41yr old female and have been married for over 25ys. I started a business 4yrs ago and recently sold it for a lower than I it was worth amount. I married in my mid-teens to my husband who was 4yrs older than me. He already had a previous relationship and a child from it. He was my fist boyfriend. I got pregnant and i was infatuated, totally ‘in love’ and ready to spend the rest of my life with this man. within a year of our marriage, we separated as a result of a fight and he re-united with his ex. a few mo’s later we got back together but i didn’t know that in our brakeup he had been with his ex-girlfriend. When i found out, i was devastated because he lied about it when i found out, but i didn’t want to leave him.

I was still a young teen and now had an infant son. I chose to stay with him but i was never the same. I harbored hate and anger and strong desire for vengeance. So i had an affair with the purpose he’d find out and hurt as much as i had. Well, he never did, and i ended up having this affair, for years until i ended it. By this time, we had our 2nd child. The affair was off and on and i didn’t get involved at all during my pregnancy…i look back now and it was more the thrill of the forbidden fruit. It certainly wasn’t sexually satisfying…the sex at home was better.

I ended the affair cold turkey…but mainly because i had become emotionally involved with a co-worker. We were good friends for about a year, then we both realized and accepted that we 'loved each other. I had had our 3rd and final child by this time. We talked about being together but neither one of us were willing to hurt our spouses but more so, to break up the family unit for our kids. We were both in professional jobs, volunteered in our community and church. Both of the same faith and just as strong in our beliefs… in the end, our ‘love’ and desire won and we had an affair for a year.

Basically…we came to the agreement that we love each other and wanted to be together as much as we could…but we were not willing to hurt our children…Ur relationship was only occasionally physical…but because of how much i felt for him…the sex was very powerful and emotional the few times we were able to get together… the affair ended when he changed jobs right after he became aware that his wife had been unfaithful the first few years of their marriage. when i met him, he had been married 12 yrs and i 16…it was one of the most painful experiences in my life…i was so in love with him, that i stopped having sex at home because i felt disgusted that i was cheating on him with my husband. that is truly twisted i know. I didn’t understand it…it was just how i felt. I’m sure my husband suspected because i was disengaged from him and all i looked forward to was waking up and going to work to see him… that was 10yrs ago… My 3rd and current emotional affair is long distance.

I met him through work and we maintained communication thru email and calls for about six months…when i saw him again…we made the affair physical…again, i felt in love… we didn’t see each other again for a year but maintained strong communication. In the four years i know him, we’ve been together 4 times. I finally separated from my husband for many reasons…his infidelity, of years ago that i can’t get over, he’s been physically abusive several time in our marriage as I have been as well…and i finally accepted that i must not love him enough if i keep ‘falling in love’ with others. I’ve been separated for 2weeks only and he’s asking me to come back…that he’ll try to be more attentive and less verbally abusive, that he will avoid situations that have resulted in physical abuse… I had begged him for 2yrs to go to counseling and he refused for the most part. When i finally ‘dragged’ him almost 2 years ago, the counselor was not competent.

So he re-affirmed that counselors didn’t help. I had been begging him for the past yr to try counseling from our pastor…but he didn’t want to go…i feel that i finally just gave up and i moved out. I’m in a state of shock with my new situation and i don’t want to hurt him or our kids. The separation has been for the most part peaceful…but i know he thinks/hopes it’s just another one of our brake ups. I’m struggling with the desire to tell him about my affairs in an effort to help him move on, but i don’t want to hurt him. I know it will be selfish on my part to tell him because i want to ‘come clean’. but i just don’t know what to do. Should I tell him so he can see i have bigger faults… i just don’t want to hurt or be hurt anymore

1 Like

Sounds like you would benefit from counseling - you’ve established a pattern of behavior, and those habits can be tough to break. Counseling can help you figure out why you do what you do and the support you get from counseling can help you get into a healthier pattern.We’re here for you.

Sounds like, the first affair was just to get your husbands attention and when that didn’t work it became more of a game to see what you could get away with. Now here you are, and this time it is real.

2 Likes

Two things which you might find beneficial:1. Counseling2. ParagraphsHave you considered that your affairs might be about your potentially excessive need to feel wanted?You mention that you look 10 years younger than you really are, that you’re outgoing, that you liked it when he drove six hours to be with you for only one, and that he treated you like a queen, that sex is, powerful and emotional and so forth. Then, on top of it all, your avatar is a headshot…?Be that as it may, for the life of me I can’t understand why you’d willingly invite this kind of drama and negative energy into your life. And to top it all off, you’re active in your church but you’re an admitted serial adulteress? I don’t even know why you’d mention one in context with the other. It’s all tremendously contradictory.I don’t frequent the site so much anymore, but your story brought me back into the fray.

1 Like