Could A Low (or No) Sex-Drive Ruin YOUR Marriage?

[andreanostramo]

I was reading an article in one of my mother's old retirement magazines about this woman whose husband just up and left her after twenty-five years of marriage.

Why? Because she lost interest in having sex with him. I mean, REALLY lost interest. It all started when she went through menopause. Her doctor prescribed medication which worked on her hot flashes and sweats but not on her libido. It simply didn't exist. "It wasn't like I wasn't attracted to [my husband]," the woman, Joanna, explains, "it was more like I just didn't want sex, with anyone, at all." Joanna's husband, Paul, was understanding...for awhile.

Then he started taking it all personally, continuously asking her if her lack of sex-drive meant that she didn't love him. He kept asking her if she wanted out of the marriage or if she was seeing someone else; both answers were a resounding "no." Then, one day, after almost a year of no sex, Joanna's husband said he wanted a divorce. "He said he didn't want to cheat on me and that if he stayed in the marriage he was afraid he would," Joanna explains. Some women - myself included - would see this as a bad sign and run for the nearest doctor's office and ask for some libido-increasing substance for women.

Try a hot oil massage or something to get you in the mood, ANYTHING. This woman seemed not only turned off by sex, but she wasn't even interested in fixing the problem. At the end of the article, the couple was still in the process of divorce proceedings, but the question arose as to whether or not her husband was a normal man with needs, who waited as long as he could and then kindly stepped out of the marriage instead of having an affair, or if he's a selfish horny toad. I am torn on this issue.

I wouldn't think much of my husband if he left me simply because I wouldn't put out, but then again, if my husband refused to have sex with me and didn't seem inclined to get help for the problem, I might get fed up and leave. I don't know. What do you guys think: is a sexless marriage enough of a reason to divorce?

[twiceshy]

I am going to be blunt: without sex, the relationship will suffer a lot, if not wither altogether. A healthy male cannot do without sex.

[rockstar]

Yes, it most definitely can ruin a marriage. Sex is an important part of a healthy marriage...and while there will be times when you're out of sync sexually, it should NOT be a constant thing. Sex in marriage creates a bond and intimacy...if it's not there, or if you have to beg for it, as I have had to before, that's a BIG piece missing.

[jaimem]

I don't remember the last time we had sex. Our sex life has never been very good. Now we're such strangers we don't know where to start. We've done a year without sex a few times. Now we realize it was a symptom of a bigger problem. If the party not interested isn't interested in trying to make the problem better, then that isn't fair to the other person. I don't blame him for leaving, and I think he did it in the most gentlemanly way I could think of. Its hard to be sentanced to celibacy when it wasn't your decision!

[ceebee1]

I agree on all points here, however, some women experience devastating changes that come with menopause. Non-existent libido and very painful intercourse is a reality for many post menopausal women. And IF you can make it through the excruciating intercourse to satisfy your husband, you end up with a urinary tract infection. So who is the final benefactor here? This scenario is very real. It is devastating to a marriage. Nobody talks about that, they just say that sex is important in a marriage. Well, duhhhhhhhhh on that one. I speak from experience. We are on the verge of at least separating because these were the changes I experienced in my body from menopause that has driven my husband away.. So my husband moves out of our bedroom (his choice) and into the guest room and says he did it because he 'can't have' me. I mean, wow. It's all come down to this in our marriage? Only sex is the determining factor as to whether or not our marriage will continue? 38 years of marriage that, before menopause was a good and fun sex life and I had a normal libido! I was the one (not my husband) who used to call my husband at work and ask him to come home for 'lunch' (wink wink). Not like he married a prude or someone who didn't enjoy it! Think about this guys, please. I had no control over the changes menopause caused in me, yet I'm being 'punished' for it. If sex is the ONLY reason he leaves, its probably just better that he does.

[ceebee1]

Ok, so I'm going to put the shoe on the other foot here. Let's say you are a man and your testosterone levels bottomed out to the point where you had no libido and your parts no longer worked. And even if your parts somewhat worked, it caused great pain. And your wife left you because of no sex. Let's discuss this scenario for awhile...

[Jaq]

Alright ... so my husband (at the time married 20 years) cannot maintain an erection during sex, and I have had a hysterectomy. As often as I tried to discuss the situation, and he avoided discussion, I gave up trying to have sex. I tried to be sensitive about his feelings and thought that maybe we could be married without sex. We were best friends and I had planned on our marriage surviving because we had loved each other through everything so far. Seven years in the future, without discussion, he leaves me for a woman half his age??? He is 75 years of age and he leaves me for a woman aged thirty-something, someone younger than his youngest daughter. How creepy is that??? Everyone suspects she's with him because she is essentially a Mexican pauper who has just struck it rich (in her mind). There are so many issues here, but his wife did not leave him because of sexless marriage. He left his wife ... and he told his wife that it was because he has finally found intimacy and he still has no libido. Go figure!